'AITA if I don't tell my sister and father that my grandfather is dying?'
"AITA if I don't tell my sister and father that my grandfather is dying?"
Sorry to be grim but I could use some help. My grandfather (M70s) is in hospice, it's sad but he has been in pain for a very long time. My uncle who is my grandads primary care giver, has left it up to me f30 whether or not to tell my sister f25 that he is dying. To try and make a very long story short here is some background that leads to the dilemma.
I have been no contact with my sister for 4-5 years ever since she moved in with our father, who abandoned us went I was 9 and she was 4. He is bipolar and has done a lot of bad things, but I still had very fond memories of him. When I turned 18 he reached out, i tried to get to know him but after a few months of emails and texts I realized that he is a literal psychopath.
Every word out of his mouth was a lie or centered around him. I've been no contact with him ever since. I let my sister make her own choices because she had her own issues with his abandonment. Five years ago, before I cut contact with my sister, when our grandmother passed away I called to tell her so she could come home to the funeral.
She said that she and our father(who's mother had passed) wouldnt becoming because she couldn't afford it. I offered to pay for her flight but she refused. She wasn't working at the time because she had just moved in with our father and he was taking care of her, so there weren't any obligations that she was tied too.
I could have gotten over her moving in with our father, but disrespecting our grandmother is what caused me to end thing with her. My grandma wasn't an angel but she did everything she could to make up for our fathers absence and that meant to world to me. This disrespect also upset my grandfather to the point he wrote them both out of his will.
My grandma was the light of his life and he only tolerated my father for my grandma's sake. After she passed my father was officially dead to him. And he was incredibly heartbroken over my sister's choice. I don't think my grandfather would care or even mind if my sister came to the funeral. However If I tell her she will tell our father. Him being at the funeral would be world war III.
Especially once they both learn that they aren't getting anything. To be honest I don't even know if they knew that my grandfather has been unwell. He has been on a steady decline since my grandmothers passing. Also my uncle hasnt spoken to my father in over 20 year or my sister in the last 5years so that is why he has left it up to me.
My mother has no stake in this since it is all on my father's side of the family and she is not involved with them. Plus she is in Cancun with her new husband for the next few weeks anyway. So would I be TA for not telling my sister that our grandfather is dying and subsequently not telling my father that his father is passing?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Hammingbir wrote:
You don’t need to make a call or text. Make it a one-way notification. Send her a letter, more of a note, informing her of his death when it occurs. Don’t add any personal observations. Don’t bring up the past. Just inform. That’s all you have to do.
OP responded:
That is not a bad idea.
cheysterr wrote:
NTA. Don’t tell your sister until AFTER your grandfather passes. You KNOW your sister will tell your father. She’s been living with him, they obviously have grown very close. She will not keep this news from him. You’re NTA NTA NTA. Your grandfather has written them both off and wouldn’t want either of them there. Respect your grandfather's wishes.
OP responded:
"You’re NTA NTA NTA" this made me smile.
nucleusambiguous7 wrote:
NTA. Your uncle sucks, and this is his problem that he tried to pass off to you, which was wrong. He should tell your dad, and your dad should tell your sister. If it seems like your uncle is 100% not going to tell your dad, then you have a decision to make.
If you think not telling your sister is going to haunt you forever, then call and say a few words: "grandpa is not doing well, he is located at such and such hospice if you would like to get in touch". Then hang up. Do not take any calls from them. You will have done your duty.
If, however, you think you will be at peace whether your sister/dad knows or not, then don't worry about it. If they. come to you afterwards and have something to say, just tell them, "oh, sorry, Uncle whoever was supposed to tell you guys that grandpa was sick". That's it. Act totally innocent, because YOU ARE. This whole thing is a live grenade, and you just tossed it back to it's rightful owner.
OP responded:
My Uncle has left it up to me not my granddad. My grandad is not mentally aware anymore. He absolutely does NOT want my father to know. That I know for sure because he said so the last time we spoke in it. We never talk about her but I don't think he would care. But if I tell her she will tell our dad.
Luna_Walks wrote:
NTA. I have a best friend that manages a cemetery and burials. He has seen so many fights break out beside the coffin. It is ALWAYS over money, wills, or just because family hates each other. Wait until after the funeral to say something. Save you and the rest of the family a coffin side brawl.
Not long after posting, OP shared an update.
Update:
My grandad made the choice for us. He passed away before I could make any choices. I'll tell my sister he passed away the day of the funeral. Which will be in the next 24-48hr. Thanks for the kindness.