'AITA if I don't want to meet my biological kids?' 'The action itself was completely ethically wrong.'
"AITA if I don't want to meet biological kids I have never seen, did not raise, etc?"
When I was 32 years old, I was married with three young children and both my husband and I were struggling with full time jobs, him also with school, and life in general. I found out about a program where I could "sell" my eggs.
I went through a company a friend knew about, did one cycle of shots/hormones, and they retrieved 15 eggs. I posted my info on the site and a couple from California contacted me, as wife did not produce eggs and could not carry baby.
They were interested in my eggs in particular because I already had three healthy children, and they both had red hair and green eyes; as do I and all of my children. They ended up having 3 healthy children, which I guess are technically half me biologically and half her husband.
This happened over the course of a few years with a surrogate. I never saw pictures, didn't ask to, and didn't communicate with them after the last child. I received $5,000 at the time and it was sorely needed for anything from medical bills to daycare costs and day to day expenses.
Fast forward to now - I am divorced from my husband of 25 years and our children are grown, the youngest being 23. My current boyfriend is absolutely appalled that #1 - I never told him about this and just brought it up in normal conversation...
#2 - that the action itself was completely ethically wrong, and #3 - how can I function knowing I have three biological children in CA somewhere I will never meet or so and my genetics or just "out there." I honestly don't think about it.
They aren't my kids and I never saw things that way. This has become a daily discussion turning into an argument about me trying to find out where they are or what they are doing. AITA for not caring or just looking at it in a blase' manner?
Here's what people had to say about this one:
Yernar125 said:
NTA - It's not ethically wrong. These kids are being raised by people who want them and I'm sure living happy lives. Your boyfriend's opinion here is meaningless. Is he narrow-minded about other things too?
malinagurek said:
NTA—Your boyfriend is being super weird about this.
Comfortable_Cup_941 said:
NTA in a big big way. As someone who struggled to get pregnant I can safely say- what you did was give two people an incredible gift. There are many reasons people use egg donors (including surviving cancer). He needs to check himself. Thank you for doing what you did.
ChonkButt510 said:
Daily discussion?! Why is your BF so invested in something that doesn't concern him? Family is more than biology. Those eggs/people aren't your family, they're strangers. Maybe your BF should be a stranger, too. NTA, but your BF is.
matthewsmugmanager said:
NTA, of course. Your current boyfriend is a jerk, and it sounds like he might have some serious issues regarding women's reproductive freedom. But even if you don't think he's a jerk, your values don't match up. Break up with him and find someone that you're compatible with.
nonniewobbles said:
NTA. I mean, I think it's a valid take to think it's exploitative to have poor people selling body parts to pay daycare costs...I'd argue that plenty of work involves sacrificing your body, though. But either way, how would that be unethical on your part?
These aren't your kids. They have a mom and dad who desperately wanted them. The agreement was never that you would be involved in their lives in any way. It's frankly bizarre that he's obsessed with making you try to connect with kids you share absolutely nothing with but some eggs you donated many years ago.
It's also completely disrespectful to you that he keeps bringing this up. You HAVE actual kids. You don't want to impose yourself on some other people's kids, and it's not your place to. He needs to decide if he can accept this or leave, but you need to make it clear that continuing to argue about it is absolutely off the table.
AcanthaceaeAsleep397 said:
NTA, I feel like it’s normal to not have a relationship with egg donor offspring similar to how sperm donors have no contact with their progeny. I would think the family would be quite perturbed if you had reached out at any point and tried to meet the kids.
If your new bf isn’t able to let this go and stop the arguments I’d be reconsidering the relationship with him. (Edit to add: do you still have contact w the friend who introduced you to the company, or know any other egg donors who would be willing to have a conversation w him to give him another donor perspective?)