'AITA if I don't want my BF to move in and only pay the amount the bills go up by?'
"AITA because I don't want my boyfriend to move in and only pay the amount the bills go up by?"
I am asking because I had a couple friends say I was being unreasonable wondering about his financial situation and where all his money is going, and I don't think I am, so I need more unbiased opinions.
I (39F) have been dating my BF (36M) for 5 months. Things have been going great, we just don't see each other very often (once a week currently) because it is hard to coordinate time with 4 kids, 2 mine 10f & 8f, & 2 his 3f 2f.
I have worked very hard since my separation and eventual divorce, and I have owned my own home for 4.5 years, while he still lives with his moms after 2 years ( not that I fault him because I understand that renting or buying a house right now is an insane market. About a week ago, we were laying in bed, and he said that he sees us lasting a while and he would like me to consider him and his girls moving in.
He says that he cannot offer much, but he can at least "cover what the bills would go up by, so it wouldn't cost me money for them to live here". I didn't say anything in the moment, just asked what he was thinking for a time frame, and got a response of "soon". My house is small, it is only nine hundred square feet.
But I feel that it is unreasonable to offer "what bills would go up" which would be a max of $150 a month. Now, I understand that maybe he can't cover half of bills, even though I bought the house when I made $18 an hour and he currently makes $22 an hour.
I think at the very minimum we need to sit down and have a deep dive into each other's finances before I should consider letting him move in, not to mention that it has only been five months of dating. I've talked to a few people and the majority seem to side with me, but now i'm paranoid about the couple that don't, that I am somehow being unreasonable in this whole situation.
He also asked to move in after I went to see my financial advisor and I was kind of saying what my financial position was going to be when I retired and it's going to be a really good position to be in, and he currently has zero in retirement. It just feels like.... he sees what a good financial place I'm going to be in, and that's his retirement plan.
And whether it is wrong or not, I value my children's opinions and they are not ready to have him move in, either. This whole situation kind of feels like a red flag, but whether i'm a pessimist or a realist, it feels like I am going to end up with a freeloader. AITA?
This is what people had to say to OP:
CataclysmicTeapot said:
🚩🚩🚩That is not equitable at all and it has only been 5 months. You also hardly see each other, so you barely know him. Furthermore, your house is too small to have six people living in it. IMHO he is trying to take advantage of you and is a major red flag. I’d seriously question anyone telling you otherwise and continuing a relationship with him. Above all else, your children are not ready.
Travelinfl1 said:
You are not being unreasonable. It is 50/50 or nothing. But I would probably walk away from a guy that lives at home with mommy at 36. jus sayin...
cupcakemon said:
I think it's unreasonable that he's asking you to move in after only five months of dating, but that's just my opinion. I wouldn't be moving anybody in after only five months of dating. It's way too soon to be asking to move in. Kinda seems like he's dating you in order to have a house outside of his mothers and somebody new to take over anything financial.
OP responded:
Which is exactly what it feels like. And I must admit, I am glad that it looks that way to somebody on the outside. Thank you.
And cheesusfeist said:
You need to put your kids first here. If they are not ready, that's it, end of story.
OP later shared this update:
Thank you all for the reassurance! This was an out of the blue question for sure, the plan was never to let him move in. But when I was called unreasonable for not even considering it, I then questioned my judgement, that I was somehow the jerk.
He absolutely needs to slow things down, and I absolutely need to stand my ground about things going slower, I am feeling a bit bulldozed in this whole situation. I am not losing my space, and there is no way I am forcing my kids to lose their space. I cannot say thank you enough for all the input, I greatly appreciate it.