'AITA if I don’t want my husband to go overseas to see his parents while I'm 31 weeks pregnant?' UPDATED

"AITA if I don’t want husband to go for overseas trip to see his parents when I will be 31 weeks pregnant?"

For context : I had my first daughter when my husband was working overseas. He planned to come home before delivery but due to Australian border being shut, he was unable to come and after a painful 1.5 years apart, we finally reunited and he got to hold our firstborn.

I am pregnant again and have kept my pregnancy a secret from family and friends. Only my parents and in-laws know. My parents will be coming from overseas when I am 30 weeks to stay and support me in my delivery. Husband wants to go overseas to see his parents for 10 days but I don't want him to go. He says he won't be able to go this year once baby comes.

But his parents are planning on visiting us once the baby is a couple of months old so he shall get to see them this year anyway. AITA if I don't want him to go? I will be 31 weeks pregnant but I feel after last time of missing pregnancy and delivery of our firstborn , it should be him not wanting to go instead of me having to ask. He says that even his mum is telling him not to come but he wishes to go.

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

Apart-Ad-6518 said:

NTA. That was a really tough circumstance with your first. "I feel after last time of missing pregnancy and delivery of our firstborn , it should be him not wanting to go instead of me having to ask."

Totally agree. He should want be there to support you as a given. "He says that even his mum is telling him not to come but he wishes to go." Idk what's up there but that entrenches him deep in selfish A H territory.

Fianna9 said:

NTA- even his mom knows it’s a bad idea. His parents are coming to visit. He could have gone earlier in the pregnancy if he thinks he can’t travel after the baby is born. He is just being inconsiderate.

Second babies can come earlier, hopefully nothing happens but 31 weeks is close to the end of the pregnancy. He should be there

FairyCompetent said:

NTA. So he wants to leave for the part of pregnancy where you will be the most helpless, and there is a chance he will miss the birth of his second child as well?

OP responded:

Yeah looks like it. I’m trying to be objective and not sensitive but thank you for validating my fears.

CreativeMusic5121 said:

NTA. If his parents are coming after the baby is born, he doesn't need to go now. If even his mother is saying, "don't come", it makes me wonder what his real motivation is for going so close to your due date.

OP responded:

I am wondering too and it doesn’t make sense. Thank you for your support.

IamIrene said:

NTA. At 31 weeks you are so close to your due date. And after missing the birth of your first child I'm not sure why he'd want to risk missing this one too. He sounds pretty selfish to me, especially since his mom is agreeing with you.

lakebluebutt said:

I kind of wonder if he’s hoping to skip out in another 1.5 years on another technicality. He literally had the perfect excuse the first time though out of his control. This time though it seems like he’s going out of his way to let it happen again so that he can claim oh boo hoo poor me while you yet again do it alone.

I’d tell him if he goes that he can stay there. It’s pretty bad that his own mother is telling him to stay and he isn’t willing to listen.

She later shared this update:

First, I would like to say thank you to each and everyone of you for reading and commenting on my post. It is my first ever post and I was not expecting it to gain so much traction.

I was hoping to reply to each and every one of you but with pregnancy fatigue and no time with a toddler, I decided to post an update. I was going to post it yesterday because it would have been a happy update but after today, my whole world has gone upside down.

So two nights ago, I had a bit of a cry. Husband came and sat next to me and asked what happened and I told him that even though I would be 7 months only, I still didn't want him to go. He assured me he wouldn't.

He said he wasn't planning to anyway but he sees my point and my point was that even though I would have my parents and I had my parents with me last pregnancy and delivery, it would not be the same as having your own spouse. Since he agreed so quickly without me having to beg or explain, I quickly ended that discussion and we went to sleep happily.

Before I fast forward to today morning I would like to add some background info : Ever since we got married 8 years ago, I have noticed him taking his phone to the toilet. I have expressed my disgust at it and asked him not to but he still does. I have asked him why it takes so long for him to do his business on the toilet and he says he suffers from constipation.

I have told him to get it checked by a doctor but he won't and claims it's normal and runs in his family so I have given up. Since two years I have noticed he wakes up at 4 in the morning to spend an hour in the toilet. That's the time my daughter and I are fast asleep and he wakes up at 5 to go to work but some nights, I wake up to an empty bed and he is in toilet.

I have never told him about this because then he will start hiding even more from me. I have tried snooping on his phone but he always has it locked with a pattern that even though he unlocks in front of me, he does it so quickly and it's a complicated pattern so I am unable to memorize it lol.

He leaves his phone out (recently realized it's always on silent and with notifications muted) and sometimes hands me his phone, so I brushed off my fears that something could be happening. When we reunited after his last absence, I felt that because we were apart, we would be closer than ever to make up for missed time.

But he felt distant and after an argument where I accused him of cheating, he handed me his phone to prove he wasn't. In front of him, I looked through his phone and the only thing I found was that his Google Chrome was open to an insta account. No dp, no posts, no following but he was following 40 female celebrities. I asked him about it and he shrugged and didn't find it odd like I did.

I angrily asked if I opened a secret insta account and followed only male celebs, would he like it? He said he wouldn't mind. I told him I didn't like it and he got defensive that they are politicians, UFC fighters and of course Hollywood and Bollywood stars and he just follows them and that's not cheating. I didn't like it but had to leave it at that.

Today morning, he woke up and unbeknownst to him, I was awake but had my eyes closed. He took his phone, and I opened my eyes and saw that he had tonnes of messages on his notification bar. When he clicked on it, it took him to threads (didn't know he was on threads, and I don't know if it took him to app or a Google Chrome tab) and he scrolled through messages.

I don't know who it is or what the messages said. He tilted his phone away from me to scroll through the messages and a while later, went to the toilet most probably to respond. I wish I knew the tech to look through his phone because I always wonder how do other people catch their spouses when I can't even get through his phone because of the pattern locking etc.

My heart has dropped that he might be cheating but I feel like I shall go crazy without proof. I don't know what to do. Also my phone has a numerical password that he knows and I don't mind because I have nothing to hide.

Should I ask to check his phone again? I checked his account from my threads and he joined it last year September. Again, no profile pic or threads. It's like a ghost account. I feel sick that I am having a baby with him but he never acted fishy otherwise for me to suspect something could be happening.