'Is it bad that I don't want to name my daughter after my fiancé's dead girlfriend?' UPDATED
"Is it bad that I don't want to name my daughter after my fiancé's dead girlfriend?"
I (23f) met my fiancé (27 m) when I was 19 in college 4 years ago, I’m currently 7 months pregnant. We are having a planned pregnancy and our daughter is due in October! My fiancé had a high school sweetheart who he dated since freshman year till his sophomore year in college; she died due to breast cancer.
I never knew her, but in the beginning of our relationship, he never failed to mention how she was a beautiful person. He has admitted to me that he always wanted to marry her and imagined them having kids. He loves me so very much and has always been a great partner.
Recently, we were on the topic of baby names. I am mixed, (Ivorian and Brazilian) and my fiancé is from Costa Rica. I was thinking of the name Antonia, but was definitely open to other options. He suggested we name our daughter after her. Not a middle name, not a “Gracie-Anne” kind of thing where you have 2 names, but her first name.
His ex’s name is very unique and not something common where it could be nicknamed different or not be directly a tribute to her. I believe her name is a cultural name as well and neither of us are from that culture.
I told him, I'd be fine with it being her middle name or a nickname even, but he told me he really wanted to make her name his ex’s. I would like to make it clear I have nothing against the idea of naming kids after lost loved ones but, just not my first baby.
I have a strong feeling that our daughter is going to look just like me which will make it more awkward. He just came home from work and is in a really good mood, I feel tense writing this next to him.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Yea I wouldn’t want my partner doing that tbh. Nothing personal just like you said ; not the first baby and definitely not the first name, especially if it isn’t common or doesn’t fit your cultural background.
ThrowRA_bmaalyraw (OP)
I thought the same thing, his ex was middle eastern and I’m half Latina and he is latino. The questions regarding her name would be endless!
Its sad to lose someone you love but imagine her having to explain where the name came from for her whole life. Even as a middle name, that's saddling her with someone else's story. Even if the name had been more typical, it would be rough to explain to future friends and partners.
Surely your husband isn't planning on making her story part of your daughter's life? Like a bedtime story fathers would tell their children about their departed mother? If he wants to bring up his departed loved one forever he certainly can, but his late gf has no connection with your daughter.
Your daughter deserves her own identity, not to be saddled with her father’s grief.
Absolutely not. Not even a middle name. How the hell is your daughter going to feel when she finds out she was named after her father’s dead girlfriend???? She will rightfully assume her father wishes he ended up with this other woman which would mean your daughter wouldn’t even exist.
Do not make your daughter publicly carry her father’s grief for the rest of her life. I would be rethinking the relationship if my partner was obtuse enough to even suggest it.
Just six hours later, the OP returned with an update.
Bad and Good News.
I should’ve have posted on the channel because dear God, 200k views!! It was recommended to my fiancé and he read it and connected the dots. He knew it was about him. Awkward…
He wasn’t upset and I insisted that he only asked because, he thought it would be a good gesture. He is completely open to therapy and marriage counseling. I still feel very iffy about this whole situation and if things don’t go well in marriage counseling and I don’t get the honesty I need, its wraps.
Good news. My daughter will be named Antonia, not Isra-Samaa which is his ex’s name. I wont lie, being pregnant and reading through some of these comments hurt. But perhaps you lot were right, maybe I need to realize the truth, hopefully positive updates coming soon.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
As someone named after a dead person...Antonia sounds so much sweeter 💗
Tributes are great for bands, Oscar “in memoriam” montages, and Hunger Games.
However, no child should be born carrying that baggage.
Nothing says you love your wife like naming your child after someone you'd rather have had kids with.
Yea, I don't see this marriage lasting very long. It all feels....unwell.
High school sweetheart from freshman, mid teens, to college sophomore, like what 19/20? Then 3 years later dating OP and talking about how much he missed and loved and found the dead ex beautiful.
Yeah, OP's fiancé did not come to closure grieving the ex before getting together with OP. And OP is being insanely naive for ignoring the red flags and the advice from the internet.
She was a lot more patient with the idea of naming her own child after her partner’s ex than I likely would be. Don’t get me wrong, I can understand since it was a death and not a breakup that “honoring” her is less…weird as hell.
However, and this isn’t intended as harsh as it sounds, it has been longer that she has been gone than they had even dated, 7 years since then and only 6 years dating. Yes, there is no time limit on grief but…you should probably focus on your actual, living fiance first and foremost and if you can’t, you need therapy.