'AITA for dropping out of my friend's wedding as maid-of-honor over a dispute about splitting costs?'

"AITA for dropping out of my friend’s wedding as maid of honor?"

I’m the maid of honor in my friend Patty’s wedding. My husband, Mark, is also the best man for Patty’s fiancé, Dan. We were planning a joint co-ed bachelor/bachelorette trip for the wedding party. Patty and I were looking for Airbnbs and initially found one for about $900.

Divided by 7 people, that came to roughly $145 each. One of the bridesmaids paid early. Later, we found a cheaper Airbnb that came out to around $60–$70 each when split between seven people. Three of us (me, my husband, and a groomsman named John) paid the new lower price. Another groomsman, Bob, didn’t pay for the Airbnb at all.

Patty told me not to worry because Bob would cover our grocery bill instead of paying for the Airbnb. To stay organized, I made a grocery list to stick to a reasonable budget. But when some of the group went shopping, they bought a bunch of unnecessary things — including a $30 hoodie and a $15 speaker. The grocery bill ended up being $375.

Later, Bob questioned how we were splitting the grocery bill. We were confused because Patty had said multiple times that Bob would cover it. Then Bob said he thought the bill should be split among five people (excluding Patty and Dan, even though they added a lot of the extra items).

To make things more confusing, it came out that Patty and Dan had told Bob he didn’t have to pay for the Airbnb at all because he was driving them to the trip location. So now, Bob wasn’t paying for the Airbnb or all the groceries, and no one else had agreed to that deal.

Patty then tried to blame me for how the Airbnb costs were divided, even though she gave me the total, and I simply divided it by the people who were left after Bob’s exemption. Apparently, Bob was also supposed to pay back the bridesmaid who overpaid on the original Airbnb, but that never happened — and I wasn’t told.

Now, I feel like Patty manipulated the situation, misled me and others, and is trying to make me the scapegoat. It’s made me question our friendship and whether I even want to be in the wedding at all. So… am I the @$$hole?

Edit: Sorry forgot to include that when we offered to split things up and divide by items and exclude things like the hoodie, we were yelled at and told that Bob was covering the hoodie and all the extra items that weren’t food. If we were to do that Bob would not be paying anything for groceries and would just be paying for the things Patty and Dan wanted.

Edit 2: This is a bit of info as to how the bride and groom are as a people. The one who is going to marry them (John) WAS kicked out of the wedding because he had killed the groom in Minecraft, and he was butt hurt. John was eventually invited back once the bride realized how stupid it seemed to kick him out over a Videogame.

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

spacedinosaur1313131 said:

ESH. The payments and off the book deals and side convos are out of control. Whoever was organizing the trip wasn’t actually organized and it’s very hard when you have people who also have an attitude like “it will all magically work out”. However, dropping out of the wedding is a massive overreaction, unless I’m missing something.

Use an app like Splitwise or something (there are many) to total things up. Have a convo with Patty about how your feelings were hurt and you didn’t like being blamed when multiple people really fucked this one up; if that doesn’t go well then yeah I can see wanting to drop out.

PossessionFirst8197 said:

ESH this is basic basic stuff Just set up a split wise with everyone in it and what they paid for if patty wants to pay Bob for driving them up throw that in there too but the rest of you should not have to pay for that.

The $15 speaker I assume was for everyone's enjoyment so that should be split and the hoodie should be paid by whomever it belongs to. You all sound too immature to be going on these kinds of trips if it's going to be such a mess. Download splitwise.

Sugar_free_truth_991 said:

Patty is the AH. Everyone should have the same terms when organizing something like this in order to avoid this type of situation. By meddling in the details, she created a nightmare. However, if she’s a good enough friend that you were asked to be her maid of honor, dropping out of the wedding seems a tad dramatic. I feel like talking this out with her would be a more mature option to start with.

wayward_painter said:

YTA talk about throwing the baby out with the bath water. Make a spreadsheet. All costs and all who paid what. Give it to the group chat. Make the bride and groom sort it out.

Leading-Ad3805 said:

ESH- it sounds like you are all young 20 something’s and this might be your first big group trip. This is one of those experiences that everyone goes through at that age and you learn never to take a group trip again with a large set of friends until you are all older and $100 here or there won’t break anyone.

irrelevantTomato said:

YWBTA for ending a friendship over some pre wedding money confusion. Seriously if this person means enough to you to be their maid of honor you should be empathetic towards all the pushes and pulls there are on a couple coordinating a wedding and be flexible. If you really need the money bring it up after the festivities are over and everyone is less stressed.

And mrsmadtux said:

I’m curious if the bridesmaid who paid early was refunded when they switched to the cheaper Air BnB.

OP responded:

Eventually yes, once patty was confronted, however it’s 100% safe assume she would have never refunded her if it was never brought up because I had reminded her to pay the other bridesmaid back but she never did.

In the comments, she added:

Both my husband and another bridesmaid is wanting to drop out over this whole situation, because of how the bride and groom as well as Bob kept lying for the trip.