'AITA for dumping my BF after he broke up with our girlfriend?' UPDATED 3X

"AITA for dumping my BF after he broke up with our girlfriend?"

This is going to be a bit of a long story. I'll try to keep it as concise as possible, but I know that's not exactly my strong suit. As I write all of this, I know it sounds crazy, but unfortunately, this is my life.

My boyfriend Tom (29M) and I (27F) had been a couple for three years when we met Jen (26F). It was at a party with friends when she just approached us and started a conversation. She was charming, open, and captivating - it was immediately fun to talk to her.

A quick note for orientation: I don't feel a clear attraction to a specific gender. Whether a man or woman, doesn't matter much to me. I fall in love with the person, not their gender. That doesn't mean I don't find anyone attractive or can't have a physical relationship. I just have little desire for it. In my life, I've only dated men so far. Tom knew that. He was the only one in my circle to whom I had confided in this regard.

After the first evening, we hardly talked about Jen. It had been a nice evening, sure, but she was initially nothing more than a fleeting acquaintance. Someone who had shared a few hours with us, nothing more. Later, we found out that Jen lived in our city, which is why we ran into her a few times by chance. For example, while shopping.

It was never planned, but somehow she kept catching our attention. Her presence had something light, effortless. She just seemed to be there without being intrusive. And at some point, we noticed that we started looking forward to seeing her when we knew she would be there too. Tom and I began talking about her. Initially casually, almost jokingly. A comment about her laugh, a remark about her directness.

Then one day, as we were on our way home from shopping, I said to Tom that I could imagine Jen becoming a really good friend. Tom agreed and raved about how sweet and fun she was. I also mentioned how pretty I find her. And he agreed with that too.

During this conversation, Tom made a suggestion: At first, I thought he was joking when he talked about a polyamorous relationship. I laughed it off, but he was serious. He wasn't pushy or unpleasant, just matter-of-fact: I had never tried something like that, he said, and if I find her attractive, maybe I could try it. With him as support. The thought made me quite uncomfortable.

I'm rather reserved in such matters - prudish, I would say - and polyamory was never an option for me. So I told him that this is just how I am, and he had never known me any other way. He said that was true, but I couldn't know if it really wasn't for me if I had never tried it.

He might have been right, but still, the thought didn't feel good to me. He then let the topic rest, kissed me on the forehead, and emphasized that it was just a suggestion; he didn't want to pressure me into anything.

The topic didn't come up again for quite a while until we met Jen again at a birthday party one evening, where she told us about her lifestyle. For her, polyamory and an open relationship were quite natural. That evening, she also gave me an incredible number of compliments about my appearance and said that she found both of us very attractive.

After that, we started texting. First sporadically, then regularly. Messages turned into voice messages, and those turned into deep conversations. Tom and I talked about the topic again, and I somehow let myself be persuaded that we should at least get to know her better and spend more time with her. She agreed to the whole thing too, and so we started "dating" her.

We invited her over. A dinner with the three of us. I had no idea how I would feel, whether it would be strange...I was nervous but curious. Because I had decided to be braver and just try more things. All the things I hadn't done in the past years. And of course, I had discussed all of this with Tom.

I always thought I couldn't do something like that. My partner with another woman? I was convinced it would tear me apart. But it was different. At least sometimes. I quickly noticed how Tom looked at her. Not in an obvious way, not greedy or awkward. More curious and quiet.

As if he wanted to understand how she thought, how she felt. It wasn't threatening, not uncomfortable - at least not immediately. He seemed to develop feelings for her much faster than I did.

At some point I told myself I was imagining it. That I was reading too much into it. And then I started paying attention to myself. How I sat across from her. Whether I looked into her eyes for too long. Whether I laughed differently when she was there. But somehow, I never felt more than deep friendship.

And so it went on for a while. We saw each other more often, invited her over, became a bit more like a trio than just a couple and a friend. Sometimes she was just there for a glass of wine, sometimes she stayed for breakfast. Long story short: Jen became part of our relationship. However, we kept it a secret from friends and family because I knew exactly how they would react.

As you can imagine, there was of course a first time between Jen, Tom, and I, which I would just describe as strange. It wasn't traumatically bad, but also not really great. I attributed the whole thing to my general disinterest in such things; after all, Jen and Tom seemed enthusiastic, and both were very happy with the relationship.

Somehow I got used to it, and everything was initially fine. It was easy, it was nice. But then it got harder again. At the same time, I had just started a new job and was incredibly nervous. New people, new environment, a completely new field of work. Luckily, my team was kind and supportive.

I especially hit it off with a colleague named Evan (30M). He and I are both in leadership positions in this work. He was quiet, thoughtful, had a dry sense of humor, and a way of interacting with people that I really liked. We quickly became work besties. I didn’t hide my relationship from him and was very open about it, partly because he soon sensed that something was bothering me.

After about six months, doubts about my relationship resurfaced, and I often found myself feeling uneasy. It started with small moments that I couldn’t explain away anymore. A glance between Tom and Jen that I couldn’t quite interpret. Too long, too familiar.

A joke that felt meant just for the two of them, with a pause that excluded me. Or a conversation that continued when I briefly left the room, only to fall silent when I came back. Nothing was obviously wrong, nothing I could point to. But I had this nagging feeling that I was slowly being replaced. Not deliberately. Not even consciously. But bit by bit.

I didn’t want to be jealous or insecure. I wanted to show trust. Maybe I was just being paranoid. Still, I brought up my concerns to Tom several times, but he never really seemed to take them seriously.

It’s not like Jen and Tom ever did anything obviously wrong or intentionally excluded me. I was usually very included, and both of them made an effort. To Tom, I was still his primary partner, and he treated me as such. And yet I felt uneasy.

I increasingly felt like this type of relationship just didn’t suit me. I couldn’t let go and enjoy it the way I used to. But Tom downplayed that too. He said I probably just needed more time to adjust.

I felt torn. I didn’t want to lose them. I liked Jen. That was the hard part. I still laughed with her. I liked her voice, the way she thought, the way she questioned things. It wasn’t just something between them that had changed. Something had shifted inside me too. But I could never have called it romantic love. It was more like a deep, intense kind of friendship.

During that time, Evan became a bit of a confidant for me. We had a very easy rapport, constantly teasing each other and joking around. But he also always listened attentively and genuinely tried to help. He shared my views: he wasn’t a fan of polyamorous relationships either, but he never judged me. His go-to line was always: “Whatever makes you happy.” Evan really is a great friend.

But that friendship soon became a thorn in Tom’s side. Evan often complimented me. Little things, like saying he liked my outfit or thought I was smart. Sometimes, when something went wrong at work, he’d joke that I was only good at looking nice. All clearly in jest. I have to admit: I liked the compliments. Especially because Tom wasn’t really the type to say things like that, and I rarely heard them from him.

One day, Tom visited me at work and happened to overhear Evan saying something nice, several times, in fact. From that point on, Tom didn’t really like Evan, but he didn’t forbid the friendship either. Then, a few weeks later, Evan made a comment about my butt, not knowing Tom was within earshot. That was the last straw for Tom.

We had a minor argument at home. Tom was convinced I had feelings for Evan, which wasn’t true at all. I joked that maybe four people in a relationship was too much for him after all and he got really upset. Which, honestly, was a little understandable.
I reassured him over and over again that Evan was just a friend.

I had never read too much into his words. They were just words. He had never touched me inappropriately, never crossed a boundary, always kept a respectful distance unless it was for work. And unlike Tom, Evan had never spoken badly about him.

The day after the argument, Evan again noticed that I wasn’t doing well. But it wasn’t just the fight. There had been another incident before that: Jen, Tom, and I had tried to be intimate again a few days ago, but I couldn’t go through with it. I told them I felt ill, though that wasn’t the truth.

Both things were eating away at me, so I confided in Evan. What he said hit me hard.
He said, “You’re a lot of things: smart, talented, and beautiful, but you’re definitely not happy.” And he was right. I hadn’t been happy for a long time.

Following his advice, I decided to talk to Tom again, hoping this time he’d really take it seriously. Tom could already tell something was bothering me, and when he asked, I told him everything. He wasn’t thrilled, of course, but he promised to break up with Jen. And in that moment, I felt awful.

On the one hand, it was exactly what I had wanted. On the other hand, it wasn’t. It felt like I was taking something away from them. They were happy together. They got along well. Tom had worked so hard to make it all work. I told him honestly that I didn’t want to force him into anything. But he said, if it was really making me this miserable, there was no other solution. He’d talk to Jen the next day.

Tom and I lived together. Jen often stayed over but actually lived in a shared apartment with a friend. By then, I barely interacted with her anymore. I had a lot of work, brought tasks home often and was constantly busy. So it made sense to Tom to talk to her alone and he insisted on it. Afterward, he told me everything was fine. But that wasn’t true.

I was helping my family set up a booth for a spring fair in our city park when Jen suddenly stormed toward me like a fury. She screamed that I had ruined her life. We had a brief exchange. I tried to calm her down since we were in a public place surrounded by people.

But she kept accusing me: I had ruined everything, forced Tom into the decision, and taken it upon myself to decide the fate of their relationship. I explained that it wasn’t my decision, that it had been Tom’s. He had insisted. He had chosen.

Of course I could understand that she was upset and felt blindsided. I had never shared my doubts openly with her, because I never wanted her to feel bad. Sure, she noticed when I was uncomfortable, but often brushed it off with a “you’ll get used to it.” So my insecurity wasn’t entirely foreign to her.

In hindsight, it would’ve been better if the three of us had talked together. But Tom didn’t want that and maybe I relied too much on him to explain things properly. Eventually, I walked away from Jen, and she stormed off in anger. Naturally, I had to explain everything to my family. I just said it was a fight between friends, though no one really believed that. But I had other things on my mind.

I was angry with Tom. What the hell had he told Jen to make her believe this was all my doing? I confronted him about it. He swore he had said exactly what we’d agreed on. So I let it go, for the moment.

Tom and I were a couple again. Just us. But it didn’t feel right anymore. Even without Jen, there was no ease, no real sense of closeness. I missed how it used to feel. At the same time, I couldn’t stop wondering if Tom had only taken me seriously now because he saw Evan as a threat. It felt like previously, it just hadn’t been important enough to him.

My guilt kept growing. Tom seemed to be hurting from the breakup, even if he tried to hide it. My thoughts kept spiraling, until, about two months after the breakup with Jen, I decided to break up with Tom too.

And afterward, I felt even worse. Tom was shocked. He couldn’t believe it. I tried to explain how I felt, but he just said, “But I gave you everything you wanted. Why isn’t that enough?” And I asked myself the same thing. It was freeing, in a way, but I felt like the biggest a-hole. He had done exactly what I had wished for and still it wasn’t enough. We argued for over two hours.

Then I packed my things and moved in with a friend temporarily, where I still live, while I look for a place of my own. I told her everything. She said I had every right to leave if I didn’t feel okay. That I shouldn’t feel guilty just because Tom broke up with Jen for me. That’s not a reason to stay.

She also said Tom could’ve taken my concerns seriously earlier and maybe then it wouldn’t have come to this. Still, I can’t shake the guilt. And just when I thought it couldn’t get more complicated, it did. I went to Evan at work to tell him I’d broken up with Tom. He already knew that things hadn’t gotten better after Jen. So I told him it was over with Tom too.

To my surprise, his first reaction was to kiss me. And the worst part? I wasn’t upset about it. Evan apologized immediately. He said it shouldn’t have happened, that emotions got the better of him. He never wanted to interfere in my relationship. I wasn’t angry, but a new relationship is the last thing I want right now. Thankfully he understood that. So we’re still just friends. Even if Tom sees it differently.

A few days later, Tom showed up at my workplace. I was shocked when I saw him. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days. And when he overheard a harmless joke between Evan and I, he snapped. He accused me of cheating on him all along. In anger, I just said, “Then go back to Jen.” And walked away. I know that wasn’t fair. Maybe I should’ve explained.

Now, I’m the promiscuous one in his friend group. His best friend even messaged me yesterday, calling me horrible names. To them, I’m the a-hole. And I can’t stop feeling awful about it. I know I didn’t always handle things perfectly. I made mistakes. But I still keep asking myself: Did I really behave that badly? Am I truly the a-hole?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Born_Street_5087 said:

NTA. Read the whole thing just as an fyi. Basically crap happens, none of us is perfect, no one comes out of break ups without some pain and suffering one way or another. Don’t beat yourself up sounds like the whole thing was probably doomed when 2 became 3, just took time to work itself through.

Vyckerz said:

Unfortunately, I don’t think polyamorous relationships are for most people. They have become very popular these days because it seems to be something that gets pushed with media and some social narratives.

But most people who try getting into it when they have previously been strictly monogamous struggle with it like these people in this story. A lot of the people who get into it probably should’ve just broken up. Because those people either end up cheating on each other or trying polyamory and getting into situations like this.

Yes, there are some people who have no problem with this, but I think most people should tread very carefully before experimenting too far with it and if they do, they need to go very slowly. Have clear boundaries and escape clauses if either party becomes uncomfortable.

In this case, it did seem to be more of a natural progression, but once she started becoming uncomfortable, there should’ve been an immediate break. And if Jen was comfortable with polyamory, she should’ve known this was a possibility and been more understanding of OP’s feelings as the primary partner.

AmethystPassion said:

I don’t believe your “friendship” with Evan comes across as innocent as you say it does. It’s okay for friends to compliment each other but you mentioned Evan was openly making comments about your body. And it is evident there was some chemistry there and banter that crossed a line. He kissed you literally right after he learned you were broken up with Tom.

I don’t like that Tom and Jen didn’t listen or care about you being hesitant or uncomfortable and feeling like an outsider in your own relationship. Overall it’s messy. Polyamorous relationships don’t work for everyone so you shouldn’t have forced yourself to be okay with it.

OodlesofCanoodles said:

There's something off that Tom feels OK with interrupting your work like that. Very embarrassing. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Take it slow with Evan!

jastorpollux said:

NTA. Thats the thing about Open relationships. Once it gets opened, it is difficult to close it back again. I would say all these happened because of the circumstances, and not because OP you did any wrongs. Jen obviously likes Tom more. She gets angry at you without listening to you. She dismisses your feelings and concerns when you tried reaching out.

Tom obviously has his times when he likes her more. He's ok to open the relationship with a female but not a male? That's having double standards and that doesn't show care and concern for you.

So it's good that OP left. Evan sounds good. Just leave Tom and his friends behind. You should clarify the situation with your family though. You wont want any unwarranted grudges and bad feelings to go Evan's way.

Grand_Car9312 said:

This could have been prevented by simple communication TOGETHER but all of you three REFUSED to do it. ALL OF YOU ARE THE AH!

FIRST UPDATE:

Thank you to everyone who offered advice and support back then. Your feedback really helped me, especially when it came to understanding myself better. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Not just about the relationship, but also about personal issues that go much deeper. For example, my struggle with setting boundaries, but I’m actively working on it.

Since my last post, I haven’t had any contact with Tom. That’s partly because I went on vacation with friends for about two weeks shortly after posting. Tom was actually supposed to come along, but obviously, that didn’t happen after the breakup.

The trip - more camping than hotel - did me a lot of good. No stress, no drama. I’m not sure if Tom went anyway, but I didn’t run into him once. Maybe it’s better off this way. (there were nearly 200,000 people there).

Well, back to real life and back to the drama. As soon as I got home, the trouble started again. I had blocked all of Tom’s friends to avoid more stupid messages, and I thought that would be the end of it. It wasn’t.

An anonymous complaint was filed at work, not against me, but against Evan. He was accused of being rude to customers and behaving unprofessionally. The ridiculous part?

It was all supposed to have happened on a day Evan was provably off work.
I definitely have my suspicions about who filed the complaint, but no proof.
Evan took it all in stride, with his usual calm and even a bit of humor.
He and I are still good friends, and he’s apologized to me like a hundred times for what happened.

But it didn’t stop there. I wasn’t there myself, but some of my family members were, as it happened. There was a festival in our town that I went to with Evan and a few coworkers.

It was the first time I’d seen Tom since the original post. He looked a lot better than the last time I saw him. We didn’t talk. I’ll admit, I probably avoided him on purpose. My family knows Evan. While I was off getting food with a friend, Tom apparently walked up to Evan.

According to my sister (who told me afterward), Tom was really angry. He blamed Evan for everything, insulted him, and, according to her, even tried to punch him. Evan apparently stayed calm and told Tom that he was responsible for the situation himself and should’ve taken my feelings more seriously.
I didn’t ask how things ended after that.

But if all of this is true, I’m honestly even more disappointed in Tom than I already was. Not just because of how he acted, but because he keeps blaming others instead of reflecting on himself.

Naturally, this whole thing raised a lot of new questions in my family. Questions I now have to answer. What’s a bit strange is that Evan hasn’t mentioned any of it to me. Then again, I haven’t brought it up either. I’m not sure if I should talk to him about it or just leave it alone. But I admit I am a little curious what exactly they talked about.

Another open topic: I’ve been thinking about meeting up with Tom one last time. Mainly to get closure and to pick up the rest of my things from the apartment. He had messaged me before my original post, offering to help carry some of the furniture. I don’t have many people who could help and he knows that. Maybe my dad, but I don’t really want to deal with just him and Tom.

Evan would absolutely jump in to help, but I don’t think it would be smart to bring him along. That would probably just escalate things. Tom and I had agreed that I’d reach out when I was ready to get my stuff. I haven’t done that yet.

And finally: Jen I haven’t heard a single word from her. She blocked me everywhere she could. I have no idea if she’s still in contact with Tom, and honestly, I don’t really care. But the guilt is still there. I really liked her, and it never should’ve ended like that.

And now really, finally: There is one last strange thing. Yesterday, I ran into one of Tom’s friends on the street. Unlike most of the others, he was friendly, greeted me normally, and we had a quick chat. He said he’d like to talk sometime, that there are things I might want to know, but he didn’t say what exactly.

I am a little curious...but I’m not sure if I really want to have that conversation. As I don't know if I can trust him. So that’s basically it. That's everything that happened so far.

Here's what people had to say about the first update:

NextNebula3561 said:

Great! Go grab lunch with this friend and then update me on what he says. Im so invested and I wanna know all the super sad, embarrassing things tom accidentally told his friend group.

Keep living your best life! Evan sounds like he really likes you and Tom sounds like one of those relationships you look back on and are like: what the f was I thinking?? We all have them, some more than others...not me!!! Obviously.

Original_Duck_371 said:

I’m almost sure that Tom was hooking up with Jen before you agreed to anything and that they planned the “slow introduction” to make you agree on it…the friend might know about this…I wish you the best and remember to take care of yourself before jumping to a new relationship, you need to detach from your broken one to think clearly again.

tipnDix said:

I am rooting for Evan. Despite the way he acted at work, you make him sound so refreshing. Like, even if it's platonic, keep him around. I like that he didn't mention the run-in with Tom. He doesn't want you to be upset/unhappy. Like telling you would've just ruined your day.

How nice. Tom had two gfs and couldn't let you have Evan on the side for compliments? Greedy. What I don't get is why can't Tom and Jen get together and leave you alone? Why is Tom approaching poor Evan? He's GREEDY.

ScustyRupper said:

This started with chance meetings in town with Jen. It’s odd that those “chance” meetings don’t appear to happen anymore. I wonder if Jen had a plan from the start.

jeeves_my_man said:

Don’t meet Tom. Closure is a lie. Don’t entertain his weird friend either, that guy seems sus as heck. Certainly don’t do those things to feed the popcorn munchers in the comment section.

SECOND UPDATE:

I (28f) am still in the process of recovering from the breakup and all the chaos surrounding it, but each day it gets a little easier to handle everything. A lot of you advised me not to have a conversation with Tom (29m), and I ended up following that advice. I decided against it in the end.

You're right, and I also think that in the current situation, it wouldn’t help either of us, especially considering what he thinks and the things he’s done after the breakup. Maybe one day in the future a conversation might be possible, but for now it’s better without.

He still hasn’t reached out to me himself, which is fine. However, he did stop by my workplace the other day, but didn’t speak to me, even though I had the feeling for a moment that he was about to approach me. I was dealing with something completely different anyway, at the time, because I had hurt my foot and had to go to the hospital with a possible fracture.

The good news is - I finally found an apartment! As grateful as I am to my friend for letting me stay with her, I think having my own place will really help me to get a fresh start. I move in September, but I’m already allowed to start bringing my things over.

Which brings me to the unpleasant part: as you already know, I still have furniture in our former shared apartment and I’d been worried about how I would get it out of there. Evan (30m) was kind enough to gather some coworkers who will help me move the furniture (which is also good because, while my foot isn’t broken, it still hurts).

Evan also said himself that it would be better if he wasn’t there when Tom is around, but he’ll help in the new apartment. Which meant… I had to message Tom. I would have loved to get advice from all of you, but I didn’t want to make a separate post just for that. Honestly, it’s been eating at me for days.

Not because it’s a big deal to ask when I can pick up my stuff, but because it just felt so weird. Not only because I’m still so angry and disappointed, but also because of our history. That moment made me realize again that I’m not free of it yet, and that it’s going to take a while.

In the end, I kept it short: I told him I’ll be moving into my new apartment in September, so I’ll be picking up the rest of my stuff, and asked when would be a good time. Short and to the point, no emotions, no openings for drama. I also mentioned the helpers so he’d know I wanted to get this done quickly and smoothly.
He read the message literally the second I sent it and started typing right away.

The next 20 minutes, until he finally responded, were pure panic for me.
He seemed surprised that I’d found a new place “so quickly” and didn’t really answer my question about the timing. I had to press him a bit, and I got the sense he was stalling.

At one point he said something like “I thought maybe we could talk normally at some point,” while I was keeping everything short and to the point - no small talk. I think that surprised him because he knows I usually "ramble" a bit (as some of you noticed in my first post). His comment annoyed me, considering he caused most of the drama and apparently badmouthed me to everyone after the breakup.

Anyway, we’re picking up my things next week. Tom will be there. I know some of you advised doing it when he’s not home, but unfortunately that wasn’t possible. That brings me to the part with Evan. I still haven’t brought up the conversation between him and Tom.

I think you were right that Evan was trying to shield me from more drama, knowing I wouldn’t be able to handle more at that time. Tom’s behavior at the festival was just childish. Evan hasn’t mentioned it either. I trust that if it had been truly important for me to know, he would have told me. Maybe I’ll come back to it someday, when my situation is less overwhelming.

And now, the part most of you have probably been waiting for: Tom’s friend. I’ll call him John. Many of you suggested I meet with him and had all kinds of theories about what it might be about. Others were strictly against it. The suggestion I liked best was to message him and ask directly what he meant by what he hinted at.

But I never actually wrote to him, (somehow I couldn’t or was to afraid idk) I just unblocked him so he could message me if he wanted to. And after a few days, he did. I think he was surprised I had unblocked him. Well, what can I say?

He started with small talk, asking how I was doing, etc. I just said “okay” and didn’t immediately jump to the question. He eventually brought up the topic and the idea of meeting, asking if I had time. I was honest and told him that I didn’t want to accuse him of anything, but that it would help me a lot if he could tell me in advance what it was about.

He said he completely understood, that he knew how Tom and his other friends tend to react, and that he is sorry for that. He said I was the best and nicest of Tom’s girlfriends out of all he ever had and that I deserved better than all this drama. He also explained a bit about what everyone thinks happened.

As expected, Tom blames Evan. He’s also told more people about Jen than I thought… but not in the way it actually happened. He told them that Jen was my idea. That alone is annoying, but knowing that he had agreed to keep the friend group out of it and still talked about Jen to them early on…well.

According to Tom’s friends, I cheated on him with Evan before the breakup. Exactly what you (and I) suspected. John said he didn’t fully believe it and wanted to hear my side of the story. Maybe I’m paranoid, but it sounded like an excuse. I just said there was nothing going on between Evan and me, that Jen wasn’t my idea, without going into detail. I didn’t badmouth anyone, and I kept it short, as you guys advised.

After some back-and-forth, when he realized I wasn’t going to say much, he told me the main reason he wanted to talk was his new girlfriend, Louise. He said it was hard to explain over chat, and that his girlfriend could explain it better. But she has a cousin (Lea) she’s close to. Lea lives in a shared apartment with a woman named Jen.

Lea often tells Louise about the drama involving her roommate. At first, John didn’t think much of it, until Louise mentioned that this Jen apparently had something with a Tom. That’s when he made the connection. He doesn’t really know Jen and has never met her, but he’s sure it’s the same person.

I didn’t want to be pushy, but I did ask for a bit more info. He said there’s a lot of drama and stories that he thinks would be good for me to hear, but he’d prefer to talk about it in person with Louise present. He even gave me her number so I could confirm with her beforehand.

After that he mentioned that I probably don’t want to hear it but he thinks despite the fact that Tom made some mistakes, he always loved me. And that he doesn’t want to talk bad about his friend, but he thinks that I deserve honesty. Whatever he meant with that. I asked him, but he didn’t answer.

Since then, my head’s been spinning. It all feels so strange. I don’t want to accuse him of anything, but I am not sure if I can trust him after all. I also don’t know what I’d do if it all turned out to be true. Part of me wants more info, but I also don’t know if meeting them is worth it, or what good it would do me in the end. I haven’t agreed to nor declined the meeting yet, I just told him I’d think about it.

That’s all. You’re now up to date. I was going to put this next part at the top, but decided to leave it at the end of this post. So you can decide whether you want to read it or not. I wanted to address some of the most common questions or comments.

About Evan and calling him an emotional affair and also the idea that Tom never knew about Evan before: Tom knew about Evan from day one. I told him about my coworkers right away, and as Evan and I became better friends, Tom was fully aware.

I understand where some of you are coming from, but I’ll also say this: Evan and I have never hung out privately, just the two of us - unless by accident. (Meeting him on the street and having a quick chat) Otherwise, it was always in a group setting with other coworkers, like our monthly work dinner.

Our private messages were almost entirely about work or memes that were work-related. We’re both in leadership positions and needed to be able to communicate. Most People say they see it as an emotional affair because I confided in him so much, but of course I did.

He became my friend. He listened to my relationship problems the way a good friend would. I spoke to him the same way I’d speak to a close female friend. Those things are the building blocks of a good friendship, in my opinion. I did the same for him: listened to his problems, even when we didn’t agree.

Some people said Evan would probably only ever tell me what I wanted to hear, but that’s not true. It's just the way he does it: When he disagreed, he’d say so - just in a way that presented it as another perspective, he explained his reasoning, and wasn’t pushy or dismissive. And he always tries to understand my point of view.

Why can Tom just show up at my work, and why hasn’t he been banned even though he’s caused trouble before? Honestly, I don’t know for sure. But the building I am working in also has a Shop included with hundreds of customers every day.

I’m not always out there, but often enough. As long as he doesn’t cause problems again, my boss won’t ban him. (I tried to talk to him) Which means he can come and go as he pleases. Same goes for all his friends.

Has it ever seemed strange to me that we always just happened to run into Jen, or that she brought up certain topics at exactly the “right” moments? Honestly - no. Looking back now, of course I see it and it does seem weird. That’s just a few too many coincidences all at once. But at the time, I have to admit, I simply didn’t notice. I also feel a bit stupid about it. But unfortunately, that’s how it is.

Here's what people had to about the second update:

BelladonnaNix said:

Is there a possibility that you are pushing your emotions and feelings of betrayal and distrust (valid) on John? From this post, it seems like he wants to try to do the right thing. I could be wrong as I am not in the situation or around these people.

Handle this the way you prefer and feel right to you. Avoiding unpleasant things doesn't often help us face what we must. Sometimes we need all the information, sometimes we don't. It's up to the individual and the situation.

Flynn_JM said:

I'm assuming Tom and Jen were sleeping together without you and doing other things outside the trio. I would just move on....I wouldn't need to know the crappy things they did behind your back.

SecretDifficulty4635 said:

Frankly if it doesn't bother you, and you don't think about it much, then I wouldn't go and dig into the issue...but maybe in the future you might be curious about what happened, and it might be some kind of closure, so basically do whatever your guts tells you to do cuz your guts never lie...

THIRD UPDATE:

Where do I even begin? Moving is never easy. I don’t know why I always underestimate that. It was physically exhausting, even though everything went fairly smoothly and it would have been much worse without all those help I got.

Tom and I didn’t talk much. He seemed a bit unhappy with the whole situation, but he held himself together and even offered to help several times, which we accepted. Still, I made sure to never be alone with him.

As agreed, Evan wasn’t at Tom’s place, but he helped carry things into my new apartment. Some people found that strange, but since we were using several cars and a trailer, we always explained it away by saying he was busy unloading and setting up furniture. We had enough people anyway.

For the first few days, there was always someone with me to help unpack and organize, but once everything was done, things started to feel… weird. Don’t get me wrong, I love my new apartment, but I’ve never lived alone before. I either lived with my parents, with Tom, or more recently with my friend.

(Okay, I’m not completely alone - I have pets - but you know what I mean. It’s just different.) During the first few days, I was so overwhelmed and exhausted that I cried every night, and sometimes during the day as well. My leg has been doing a bit better, but it still made me feel even more helpless in that situation.

Friends and family offered to come over anytime or even stay the night, but I didn’t want that. I knew I had to get through this on my own, otherwise I’d never learn to be okay alone.

I’ll admit that around day four I was very close to asking Evan to stay with me for a few days. Completely without any ulterior motives, of course. I know opinions about Evan are very divided here, but I genuinely owe this man a lot.

We’re still friends, and I simply can’t cut him out of my life, regardless of whether he ever had or still has feelings for me. I truly believe that our friendship matters to him and comes first. He even calls me his best friend in front of others, and I think he’s exactly that for me as well. But enough about that.

I’ve settled in by now, and after about two weeks the crying stopped. That’s also when I felt ready for visitors and yes, Evan came over too. Still it’s an ongoing back and forth between “I don’t want to be alone” and “Actually, being alone is kind of nice.” I don’t know…I guess that’ll sort itself out eventually.

Moving on. Guess who showed up again…I’m not sure how long after moving in it was, but definitely a few weeks later. I went grocery shopping to buy shampoo and other necessities. I was walking through the store, minding my own business, turned a corner and suddenly there they were: Tom and Jen, standing there, chatting casually and friendly.

I have no idea what happened to me in that moment. My mind went completely blank, yet my whole body was screaming. I wanted to turn around and run away immediately. Unfortunately, at the exact same moment I saw them, Tom noticed me too. Our eyes met, so I had no choice. I swallowed the emotional chaos inside me and walked past them.

Tom immediately said “hello” when he saw me and even took a few steps toward me. I briefly said “hi” and got away as fast as I could - out of the store entirely and into the parking lot. I know, I know… this probably shouldn’t have affected me that much, but seeing them together shook me, and I can’t even fully explain why. I’m honestly a bit ashamed of how I reacted.

I don’t want Tom back. That’s very clear to me now. Maybe I was just completely caught off guard. What made it worse was that Tom actually followed me a few minutes later. I was still standing by my car when he asked why I’d run off so suddenly and if everything was okay.

Honestly, what did he expect? That we’d just chat like normal friends? I felt so sick in that moment. I told him briefly I’d forgotten something important and that everything was fine. It was just incredibly uncomfortable. I immediately got into my car and left.
I don’t know whether they were there together or just ran into each other, and I didn’t ask.

Some people had suspected that Tom and Jen might try again, but I didn’t really notice anything when I picked up my things from Tom. And to be honest, I don’t want to think about it any further. Jen didn’t say a single word to me, by the way, but that’s okay, I guess.

Work hasn’t been going well either. (For those who are not interested in the the work situation because it’s not directly related to the Tom/Jen/Evan drama, feel free to skip ahead. I’ll mark where you can continue with this symbol $$$.)

To give some context: I work at a company that produces its own products, ships them to other businesses, and also sells directly to customers through a showroom. As you already know, Evan and I both have something like leadership positions. We have a big boss who owns several locations.

Each location has two managers (my direct bosses). Evan and I are their assistants and act as their replacements when they’re not present. We also work across different departments wherever we’re needed, basically as all-rounders. Each department has its own department head as well.

Now here’s the problem: Two departments were really struggling. Evan is an absolute expert in one of them (Department A) and was always able to help there. I, on the other hand, took care of the other one (Department B), because the work there was exactly what I did at my previous job. I loved that job - the only reason I left was because my boss was a massive ahole.

Because of that, I really enjoyed the work and had some hope that I might eventually take over the department completely. My bosses knew this. It was discussed a few times, but they didn’t want to “lose” me as an assistant to upper management.
Then everything suddenly changed.

Out of nowhere, my bosses decided they want me to lead Department A, and they handed Department B - the one I had been building up the entire time - to someone else who had been with us for three days and barely had any experience.

It didn’t just feel like a downgrade…it felt like a slap in the face. I barely know anything about Department A. Evan was always the one working there, so now I must learn everything from scratch, at a time when my head is already completely overwhelmed. Also I wondered why they wanted to give me the department when he was so much better at it.

I immediately went to Evan and told him everything. He didn’t know about it either and agreed that it was unfair, that my prior knowledge had been used when they needed it, without any real reward.

He also told me something that was still supposed to be a secret: one of our manager is leaving, and Evan is getting that position. That means Evan will essentially become my boss. He didn’t think they were forcing the other department on me because of that, though.

I should mention that I’ve been setting a lot of boundaries lately and really working on myself. Not everyone liked that, and I got some stupid comments and arguments started, but I stuck with it. Until that meeting with my bosses. I was so overwhelmed and disappointed that I didn’t stand up for myself and maybe I should have told them that I’d rather want to lead Department B.

I didn’t do that. It felt like they didn’t really give me a choice, even though that’s not an excuse. And now it feels like a huge step backward. Like I failed yet again to stand up for myself and what I want. I told them we could try it, even though I already knew I didn’t want it. I think that will sound familiar to many of you…

$$$ But that’s not everything. Since we’re already talking about work…Some time after I ran into Jen again, I was at work as usual… and who shows up? Yep. Jen. This time she was standing there with Evan, and my heart just dropped.
I know Jen, and I know how and when she flirts. I could have sworn she was trying with Evan.

Even though Evan didn’t seem to engage at all and was clearly just doing his job -explaining a product - I couldn’t fully believe it. There are so many other companies she could have gone to. The fact that she came to ours, and specifically talked to Evan, felt strange to me.

I talked to Evan about it right afterward. Not because I don’t trust him or because I was angry or jealous. He only knew Jen from my stories and hadn’t met her before.
He told me she had been walking around for a while and approached him normally to ask something, recognizing him.

Apparently they kinda know each other as she worked with his ex-wife, though he barely had anything to do with her. But that’s how they ended up chatting briefly. He hadn’t recognized her right away and definitely didn’t think she was that Jen from my stories, especially since her name is very common. (so her real name is actually very widespread).

He felt genuinely bad afterward and apologized several times, even though he hadn’t done anything wrong and had been completely open with me. I didn’t snap at him or anything. He knew I had run into her not long before and that it had shaken me up, and with the work situation on top of that, I was already a mess.

The thought that they know each other still makes my stomach turn.
I didn’t want to be paranoid, but I have such a bad feeling about her being back. She was gone for months, and suddenly she just shows up again. And right now, those thoughts are only getting worse.

As for John and Louise - this is probably the part many of you are most interested in.
I hadn’t contacted either of them. I had decided that maybe someday, far in the future, I’d talk to them, but I didn’t have the emotional energy for it with everything else going on. But once again, things didn’t go as planned.

Evan and I were at a flea market in the city. It’s kind of became our thing lately. I love old stuff, and he likes to tease me about it. But that’s not the point. He was looking at some stalls a bit further away when John suddenly appeared next to me with a woman. He greeted me right away, and out of nowhere she asked if I was Tom’s ex. John answered for me, and it turned out she was Louise.

I don’t know exactly how it escalated, but she eventually asked if we could talk right now. They were planning to sit down at a café nearby anyway, and I could come along. I absolutely didn’t want to, because I was already overwhelmed with everything else. So I said I still had something to do, partly because I didn’t want to mention that I was there with Evan - I still wasn’t sure if I could trust John.

So again, Evan was only a few stalls away and heard everything. Louise then started pressuring me, saying she really believed this would help me and that they only wanted to help. In that moment, I realized that if I didn’t do it then, I would probably keep postponing it forever.

Long story short: I texted Evan, and we agreed that he’d sit in the café too, just a bit away, as backup. If I remember correctly, one of you had suggested that, and it seemed like a smart idea to me in this situation. I didn’t want to do this alone. It didn’t make the conversation any easier, though.

So… here’s a brief summary of that conversation. I wasn’t completely silent, but they did most of the talking. I asked questions occasionally or clarified what I already knew, but a lot of it I simply had to take in. Louise explained again that Jen is Lea’s (Louise’s cousin’s) roommate.

Apparently, Jen has had many open relationships in the past, but according to them, she’s not poly. Louise heard from Lea that Jen developed a crush on a guy named Tom, whom she met with his girlfriend at a party. Which unfortunately fits our situation.

According to them, Jen didn’t fully “got to” Tom, even though they got along well.
At some point, Lea and Jen supposedly came up with a kind of plan introducing the idea of a polyamorous relationship, with Jen talking about how great it is and how much experience she has with it. Given her background with open relationships, that made sense for her.

Jen then apparently kept pushing the idea onto Tom - not just once, but repeatedly. I have no idea when or how that was supposed to happen. I personally only heard it from her once at that party, shortly before Tom brought it up himself. Louise couldn’t give me more details.

Apparently, Tom also talked to Jen about problems in our relationship. Hearing that made me incredibly angry and also just… I don’t even know. I didn’t know about any of those problems, because he never mentioned any to me. In my eyes, our relationship was good, and if something came up, we usually talked it through quickly.

I genuinely don’t understand why he would discuss that with someone else. Communication had never been an issue before. I think I don’t need to spell out what kind of “problems” those were as many of you already suspected it.
Because of that, Jen apparently became convinced that she could give Tom more than I could and built on that belief.

Tom supposedly didn’t want to break up despite all this. (John said like a thousand of times that he really loved me). Louise also emphasized that Jen didn’t hate me and even said that under different circumstances, we could have been real friends… which I find incredibly strange and completely inappropriate. That’s roughly the summary.

I had to hold myself together during that conversation to not completely break down. They talked about it all so confidently, like it was 100% the truth. And yet, I can’t fully believe it. Something inside me keeps screaming that They weren’t there. I wasn’t there. This is all secondhand information. Plus I don’t know after all if John just tries to put Tom in a better light or anything like that.

Instead of feeling relieved, everything just feels worse. I can’t properly process their words at all and even now, while writing this, tears are running down my face. I don’t know what to think, what to believe, or what I’m supposed to feel.

Apparently I sat there in silence for a long time at the end of the conversation. What finally pulled me out of my thoughts was a call from Evan. He had stepped outside and was waiting so we could just leave immediately. And that’s what I did. I thanked them for the conversation and left. Evan drove me home, and I needed to be alone for a while.

That conversation was at the beginning of November I think. I am not 100% sure though because honestly, I kinda lost track of time…But it’s probably over a month ago and I still feel awful. Everything still feels so unclear. It’s not that what they said makes no sense.

On the contrary, it suddenly makes too much sense. I see things now, patterns I didn’t see before. Between your comments and this new information, my head is completely overwhelmed.

I’ve mentioned before that I considered talking to Tom and then decided against it. Part of me is thinking about it again. At the same time, I feel like it would only make things worse if I found out that he really did lie to me. And I definitely don’t want to talk to Jen.

I don’t make friends easily, and I know I didn’t behave well toward her near the end, but if it’s true that she only used me…I think that would hurt just as much as the situation with Tom.

I just don’t understand why things can’t just be okay for once… why everything keeps piling up and dragging on. I’m genuinely trying to change my life, to do better, to grow, and to leave the bad behind. I know it’s not easy and that things don’t change overnight.

But this…I didn’t expect it to be like this. And especially I never expected to talk to reddit about my life. I 100% wouldn’t be able to deal with a lot of this if it wasn’t for you all. So thanks again.

Here's what people had to say about the third update:

No_Jaguar67 said:

My child you’ve been through the ringer. Things are moving forward and changing and you feeling like you are being spun in circles. You should see if you can grab a therapy session or two. Random grocery store meetings shouldn’t send you spiraling. F Tom, once you have the tools to move past this, he won’t feel like a weight holding you back.

Forward-Wolf-8795 said:

Can you pick up a new hobby or yoga class or something to enjoy in your free time? It may help break the swirling thoughts for a while. I think the more you can push your former relationship out of your mind the better you will feel.

Existing_Guard9742 said:

I'm so sorry you've gone through all of this, OP. Continue moving forward and cut further contact with others still trying to open the wounds. It doesn't matter. In the end, you're in a better place. You've learned Tom was never fully truthful with you about his relationship with Jen.

She was in his ear, driving her own agenda, behind your back, and Tom allowed it to happen. Tom knows he was in the wrong and that's why he spun the story to make you look like the bad guy. Because he can't take ownership of his actions.

I saw your post in the other sub regarding his mom contacting you about Christmas. This actually stood out to me as showing how selfish and guilty Tom actually is and feels. He hasn't even told his mom. More than likely because she'll call him out on his BS when she asks questions.

And if he and Jen actually are seeing each other, he's obviously not said anything to his mom and he's avoiding that whole discussion. Because he knows he's a liar, cheater and doesn't take responsibility for his own actions through all of this.

Not your monkeys, not your circus. Continue moving forward, OP. Your strength shows through your own actions. You've moved out, set boundaries, and have survived the worst of this. You have your own home, are learning to live on your own for the very first time, and that is huge! Please give yourself credit for putting your self worth, self esteem and self confidence first!

You are so young and have the opportunity to build your best life. Your relationship with Tom has taught you exactly what you don't want in your life. Albeit hard, this is a good thing. Going forward, you now know what you are looking for in a relationship, you will grow from this and build upon it.

Do not ever feel guilty for having trusted friendships and do not give one ounce of credit to what Tom's friends have said. Those are not your friends. And you've already experienced one person who doesn't fully believe or agree with Tom. Over time, Tom's true colors will show. But that doesn't really matter to you anymore.

Live and love with integrity. Build your life and show the world how truly strong you are. Because you are strong, OP. And you are going to come through this. Don't have further conversations with Tom or Jen. Nothing they say will help you. Gray rock them if you see them and continue on. This chapter of your life is closed.