'AITA for dumping my boyfriend after I overheard what he said about me?'
"AITA for dumping my boyfriend after I overheard what he said about me?"
On Friday my boyfriend (25M) and I (23F) attended a mutual friend’s themed dinner party. We had a good time and the night went by without any problems. I spent most of the time with my female friends and my boyfriend was hanging out with his buddies.
Towards the end I went outside to chat with someone and then went back in to look for my bf whom I hadn’t seen in a while. I walked past the guest room and immediately heard my boyfriend talking to his best friend. I could tell they were talking about me so yes I stopped and listened out of sheer curiosity. (Whether you want to debate the ethics of that is up to you).
For some context, they’ve been friends since they were kids. So they talk to each other pretty openly. (I started dating my boyfriend last year and have known his friend for the same amount of time).
His friend was telling my boyfriend that he’s lucky to have me and that I’m a real catch. He even said that I have many admirable qualities and jokingly asked my boyfriend how he managed to bag me.
My boyfriend, in a very serious tone, said that he’s the catch in the relationship and that I’m always trying to please him. He said “with pretty girls you have to make sure she’s insecure. When they’re confident it’s not gonna work”. Then he explained that I don’t realise how “objectively attractive” I am due to my “raging insecurities about every little detail”.
I was left speechless and deeply shocked. His friend was quiet and then said “that’s really messed up”. My boyfriend laughed and kept saying they both know it’s true and to quit virtue signalling.
At the end his friend said that if I’m insecure I do a great job hiding it because he views me as confident and assertive. My boyfriend laughed and said “nah bro she’s so insecure it’s crazy”.
Then he grossly said that intimacy with insecure “hot chicks” is the best because they’ll do anything to please you. I didn’t knock on the door. I didn’t walk in. Later we went home and I didn’t bring it up. I broke up with him via text the next day. I explained why I made that decision.
Now, my friends think I’m crazy for jumping to that decision so fast. They all said that I hit him with a breakup out of nowhere and didn’t even give him a chance to explain himself and give context. I said that his words shattered my heart and no amount of context will salvage this.
The only people who don’t think I’m am wrong are my closest female friend and his best friend. They both feel bad for me and said I did the right thing. So AITA for doing what I did or is it justified?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
I don’t see how OP is even questioning if she’s the AH here. If it’d been me, I would’ve thrown a drink in his face.
OP responded:
It’s because a lot of people I know irl think I’m heartless for dumping him over this (I didn’t give the specifics of what I heard, just that he said bad things about me and that he likes I’m insecure). So the response on here is overwhelming different to what I’ve been told repeatedly
DaniCapsFan
There's nothing to explain, is there? And what "context"? He likes making you insecure so you'll stick around. He doesn't love you; if he did he wouldn't be playing mind games. If he loved you, he wouldn't want you to be insecure. And that's what you should say to people: "He doesn't love me. I'm just a trophy to him." NTA.
Alarmed_Lynx_7148
Context? The thing is, you were able to get a raw idea of what your ex thought of you. No filters, no untruths, nothing. He’s so comfortable with his friend, that this was allowed to happen. You don’t owe him anything.
Even his friend thought what he was saying was fucked up. Ignore those friends, it isn’t like it’s them who had to hear their partner say such messed up stuff. NTA. Don’t take him back. Find someone who lifts you up, not keep you down a peg to keep you pliable.
Ba8yJaii
You’re (presumably) choosing your children’s father. You’re choosing the man that could have to look after you when you’re sick, be faithful to you in hard times and to tell you you’re still as beautiful as ever when you’re 80 years old. You know this man ain’t it. NTA.
zebrasmack
NTA . He admitted to intentionally manipulating you. Notice how it was all about him. His satisfaction, his desires. You dodged a bullet. Maybe one day he'll grow out of being a manipulative monster, maybe not. But that ain't your problem anymore.
Dependent-Ground-769
There’s no context. As a man, men like him disgust me. You know how you ‘keep’ a hot girl? Make her feel safe, happy, and loved. What a pig.
LBNorris219
NTA. I'm such a petty person, but I would have broken up with him with only the explanation of, "Because I can do better... and you're awful in bed."
daylily61
You were ENTIRELY justified to break up with this guy. COMPLETELY, 100% justified. I am astounded that your "friends" are criticising you. You DIDN'T "break up with him out of nowhere."
What came "out of nowhere" was the shock and heartache of suddenly learning that jerk's real feelings toward you, and in circumstances in which you had no reason to think he didn't mean what he said to his friend.
Your two friends who said you did the right thing in dumping this guy are correct. Honey, I know you're hurting right now, but believe me when I say, you had a lucky escape. Your (thankfully now ex-) boyfriend would cheat on you without hesitation, and it wouldn't surprise me to learn he already has.
A healthy relationship is give-and-take, from BOTH partners (and they don't keep score either). It sound to me like you were doing all the giving and he was doing all the taking. He's a USER, an arrogant selfish p.o.s., and I'm VERY glad you aren't wasting any more time on him 🤗