'AITA for dumping my boyfriend because he wouldn’t finalize his divorce?' UPDATED
"AITA for dumping my boyfriend because he wouldn’t finalize his divorce?"
I (F, 39) met my boyfriend, Dave (M, 42) about 2.5 years ago. He had been separated from his ex-wife for about a year when we met. They have three kids. I have met his ex, who now has a new baby with another guy, many times.
I asked him why he doesn’t finalize his divorce, and he said that divorces are costly and neither of them plans to get married again, so why bother. He mentioned (jokingly) that he will finalize his divorce when he proposes to me.
Things have been great between us, and his kids love me. I understand they are co-parenting, but I can’t help feeling like a third wheel. His ex is at our place all the time, and she and her baby are part of every vacation we’ve ever taken with the kids.
I told him this is so uncomfortable because it feels like they have an open marriage and I’m part of whatever that is. He said it’s not an open marriage; they’re truly done. I told him then to cut the cord. He refused, so I ended it.
Now he keeps texting me, saying I’m being ridiculous. Am I? Am I too old-fashioned? Is this really part of co-parenting? He says divorce and separation are not different.
OP responds to comments:
NTA - this is, at the least, a toxic situation. They still sound unhealthily connected beyond a typical co-parent relationship. I would not re-engage - run away and don’t look back. Go live your happy life.
Ok-Operation-3799 OP responded:
He says he has been best friends with his wife since high school . I get being friendly with your ex because of the kids but why is she always part of our family vacations, outing , dinners . He says it’s for kids’s sake and I’m overreacting and being insecure.
He hasn't prioritized you in this relationship. Yes, divorces are costly. If they really are amicable, then it should be easy. I can't imagine going on a vacation with my hubby's ex-wife. That's strange on so many levels.
Yes! Every single vacation, he invited her and her baby. He claims it’s for the kids but honestly kids are preteens and teens and they will be fine without her and her crying baby.
If they aren't divorced then he is the presumed legal father for the new baby.....how did they handle that? Also their credit and bills etc are still entangled. How do they handle that? This is too legally messy.
Ok-Operation-3799 OP responded:
The father of the baby is in the picture. He is ok with the whole situation. He was invited to our place for Christmas and thanksgiving that we were hosting. I do understand his ex being invited to Christmas dinner or kids birthdays or anything kids related. She lives 4 doors down from his house and she was at our place whenever she wanted to.
But legally, how did they handle the birth certificate? Because pregnant married is a whole different situation than single pregnant when it comes to birth certificates and who the legal father is, so did he say how they got the other guy on the birth certificate?
I have no idea tbh. Dave says because they file separated on taxes basically it’s the same thing as divorced ?!? To me it’s not . The baby has the dad’s last name. We live in Canada so maybe someone can explain this to both of us.
How much money did he take you for? Did you pay for those vacations? Honestly, this sounds like a financial scam.
I just paid for my stuff. He paid for the kids , himself and his ex and her baby.
He payed for his ex and her baby and not for you?!?!?!? That’s messed up.
Yea our finances were separate. His ex has no job so he was paying for her and her baby’s tickets and accommodation.
I think it’s good for the kids that they are on such great terms they can still get along and travel together, that beats the hell out of the alternative. It does seem odd that he’s worried about the divorce being expensive since they should be able to agree to the terms and file without lawyers if they are this friendly so that would be a red flag to me.
At the end of the day if you’re not comfortable with the situation it’s your right to end the relationship.
Ok-Operation-3799 OP responded:
I actually think it’s not great for the kids. It’s very confusing. You are either married and live together or divorced and kids have two homes. I guess I’m old fashioned because to me it’s weird to have your mom and your dad’s gf on family vacation.
NTA. Just block him. He’s not ready to let her go.
Ok-Operation-3799 OP responded:
Yes I ended it. He just made me second guess my decision. I’m okay with never getting married or have kids but this is too weird for me.
Nta. Divorce aside...dude has no boundaries with his ex. Why is she over all the time?? Pick the kids and fk off. You're right. He grows a pair or don't even bother. It's not worth the hassle and lack of privacy.
Ok-Operation-3799 OP responded:
Well, last time she was at our place because she was bored. The other time she came because she had a bad day and wanted to hang out with him. The day before she came because of family movie night.
The weekend before that when kids were at our place she came with her baby because she said her baby misses her siblings . She sat on the couch watched tv as the other kids watched the youngest
In a separate post OP asked for this legal advice about her ex's situation:
Before I begin to write about my question, I would like to clarify a few things. 1- I won’t be reporting anybody to anywhere. I am not planning to make anyone’s life miserable. 2-this question is just for information only I need to know as a closure to my last relationship. I just wanna know if my ex was right or he was lying about this part too. This is for personal knowledge only.
Here’s my question : my ex boyfriend was legally married however he had been separated from his wife for many years. Both him and his ex-wife were declaring single under taxes. as a result, his unemployed ex-wife were qualified for maximum benefits, including CCB. Here’s my question : is this legal ? because he told me there is absolutely no difference between separated and divorced.
If you are divorced, you can clearly declare yourself single on your taxes. Does that work with separation? They have no separation document or arrangement or agreement basically just one they moved out and they separate thank you very much.
Here's what people had to say:
FYI you are never "Single" again, they would have filed as Separated or Divorced. Separated means that you have been living apart from your spouse or common-law partner because of a breakdown in the relationship for a period of at least 90 days.
They both should have filed separated (not single), but yes, she would qualify for maximum benefits whether she was single, separated or divorced.
So anyone can just declare separated by changing status on CRA website and qualify for maximum benefits ? Okay then they were not lying I was wrong .