'AITA for dumping my girlfriend after she set up a 'loyalty test' on me?'
"AITA for dumping my girlfriend after she set up a 'loyalty test' on me?"
I'm a 28M, straight. I have been with my girlfriend (26F) for a little over 2 years. We live separately, about 25 minutes apart, and usually see each other 3-4 nights a week. I thought we were solid.
We both have had some jealousy stuff in the past, but nothing huge. She knows I don't do the "games" thing, like if something bothers you just say it. A few weeks ago she started getting weird about my phone.
Like, if it buzzed she'd glance over and ask who it was, and she kept making little comments about "girls at your work probably love you" even though I don't talk about work much at home. I asked her straight up if she was worried about something, she said no, I'm "just tired" and changed the subject.
Last Friday I got a DM on Instagram from a woman I didn't know. Her profile looked real, not bot-ish, some selfies, a dog, normal stuff. She said she saw me in a bar a month ago and thought I was cute, asked if I was single.
I replied basically "hey thanks but I have a girlfriend". She comes back with "she doesn't have to know, we can keep it chill" and sent a flirty pic. I didn't respond after that. I showed the messages to my girlfriend the next day when we were together, mostly like, look I shut it down, no big deal.
She went quiet, took my phone, scrolled, then got this cold smile and said "good job, you passed." I was like what do you mean passed. She admits it was her friend doing it, she asked her to message me and see if I'd cheat. I honestly felt my stomach drop.
I asked why she'd do that instead of just talking to me. She said "men lie" and she needed to know. I told her that's messed up and manipulative. She rolled her eyes and said I'm overreacting because I didn't do anything wrong.
Then it got worse. She started nitpicking my reply. She said I should have blocked the account immediately, and that saying "I have a girlfriend" isn't the same as saying "I'm not interested".
She also accused me of "enjoying the attention" because I answered at all. I told her if the test was real, any reply would have been used against me anyway. She said if I was loyal I would have ignored it from the start.
I asked if she planned this because she did something and was trying to feel less guilty. She got furious, called me a jerk, said I'm turning it around on her when she was just protecting herself.
I broke up with her that night. I told her I can't be with someone who sets traps and then rewrites the rules after. Now she's texting nonstop saying I "abandoned" her and that I proved I'm like her exes, and her friends are messaging me like I'm heartless. AITA for ending it over this?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA You can’t be with someone who fundamentally doesn’t trust you. Find someone who loves you unconditionally.
LowKeyNomad5 (OP)
Thanks. Worst part is she called it "protection" while going thru my phone, smiling like she won. If thats love I'm good. I want a partner who talks, not traps.
NTA. Tell her she failed your gf test.
NTA. She showed you that you can't trust her. That clearly means she's not relationship material. Tell her she can play her games on someone else, and then block her. In fact, say that to her AND her friends, and then block them all.
LowKeyNomad5 (OP)
Appreciate it. I already told her we're done and asked her to stop texting. I blocked her after she kept looping friends in. I don;t need more drama.
NTA and I’ll tell you why. All “loyalty tests” are controlling and manipulative, and you can never really pass them. You can fail, but if you pass the first one, you have just set yourself up for the next one. And the next one. And the one after that…
There is literally no way you can win this game except to not play. This goes for the boys, the girls, the enbys, the straights, the gays, everyone. Anyone can play and you always walk away.
I had to go back up and check her age again. This is a high school type thing to do. You were right to drop her. You can’t have an adult relationship when you’re the only adult.
She's gonna have an endless series of "exes" until she grows up. Advise that she find a good therapist to help her deal with her insecurities.
NTA you escaped the bullet. Did you tell her she failed? How do you trust someone after they’ve done something like this? She set you up. I wish you had actually gone after the person. It would’ve served her right.
As a woman who was married for 40 years I'm ashamed I had jealousy problems, but I knew my husband and trusted him 100%. I did occasionally trick him with messages from other people but nothing like that mainly it was him sending a message to someone not me.
She was trying to deceive you when she should have spoken to you. In any relationship communication is vital if you can't talk to each other then you don't have a relationship.
NTA. It's my policy as well. A relationship where we feel the need to police, manage, control and test each other... let alone acting on it... is not a relationship I want. You were right.
She kept brushing you off. No adult conversation. She brought someone into your relationship issues. (that you were unaware of) She did this test. She gleefully, proudly informs you that you passed.
Then she flipped the script on you to tell you that you failed. When you said, enough, this isn't okay, Im not tolerating this, she triples down and tries to shame and vilify you by telling you you've failed and are like her exes and Yada Yada.
She did this to herself. Her jealousy and suspicions have been simmering under the surface... does it matter? She feels that unsure, unsafe, insecure and suspicious in your relationship, it's not a relationship she wants/needs.
It also is never a one off. She'll do it, get a hit of security, it'll last for a little while. It was effective before, so, She'll end up doing it again and again. IF she's got no reason to distrust you, you haven't left something out... You aren't right together. She needs therapy.