'Dumping her for failing to believe me about being sick?' UPDATED
"Dumping her for failing to believe me about being sick?"
My GF and I have been together for about a year. Most everything is great except one thing: If I tell her I'm sick/not feeling well/hurt she refuses to believe me. If I have a cold, she tells me I'm faking it until it goes away and then says "see, you are fine!" I'm rarely sick, so it's never been a major issue. But, she has zero sympathy when I'm sick.
She grew up with hypochondriac parents who were always "sick" with something, often self-diagnosing themselves with fatal maladies. She has limited contact with them and the time I met them, I was told (by them) that "they didn't have long left to live." I get it, growing up in that household must have been awful. But, what happened on Sunday just sent me over the edge.
GF and my sister [29/F] wanted to check-out this event and we were all supposed to go. I woke up with excruciating back pain and could barely breathe. GF got so mad at me for "ruining this" that she wouldn't speak to me.
As she was about to leave I asked her not to leave because I thought something was wrong. She said no and left. I threw up in my bed and eventually called my parents (I was too embarrassed to call 9-1-1) and my mother and brother hauled me to the hospital.
I was whisked back and after ~20 minutes I was diagnosed with kidney stones. Fentanyl and gravol and I had a CT scan and then went for a procedure to bust the kidney stones. (Anyone questioning whether or not to have the procedure: DO IT. The side effects are nothing).
5 hours later and I was laying on my parent's sofa in a haze. I have never, and hope to never, feel pain like that again in my life. I was sure I was going to die. The attending in the ER told me it's worse than child birth and that they've had it before, too.
I didn't text my GF throughout because I really didn't have the strength or foresight. I was drugged up and uncomfortable. My sister found out that I had been in the emergency room and soon after my GF called me.
She was pissed off I didn't call her. Then I reminded her that I begged her not to leave as I thought something was wrong. She got quiet and eked out an apology. I got furious and said something rather nasty things.. among them "f-off" and some other unsavory things.
In fairness, I was on dope, still sore, peeing blood and felt like someone had punched me in the gut. Standing was incredibly painful. I needed to take two days off of work & school, I rested in bed and the only thing you can think is "the person who should have been there didn't even believe me."
She's texted me this week a formal apology and wants one in return for saying nasty things to her. I've been avoiding her texts/calls. I've felt like garbage this week and picked something up in the ER so I laid low, took a few days off work and relaxed.
She wants to meet tonight and talk about everything, but I'm still so mad I don't know if I should hold off seeing her. Is this as big a transgression as I feel like it is? Am I blowing this out of proportion because I felt so terrible? I just am so annoyed and angry.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
If you want to work through this, meet up & hear her out. If she’s focused on getting her apology from you instead of discussing what happened, then I would bail. If you get through that, I would be interested to hear how she plans to change her behavior moving forward.
I’d have to real hard time getting past this. And even if I did, I’d be worried that I’d have to deal with her nonsensical BS every time I got sick. Who wants to deal with guilting and doubt on top of feeling physically sick? It sounds like you have to be hospitalized for her to believe you? She can kick rocks.
Regardless, she should probably get some therapy for herself. I can't imagine growing up in a house where you're getting dragged to doctors constantly for very sniffle or perceived illness, and having your parents tell you they're dying all the time. Or being told you yourself are dying. Either situation would be terrifying for a child. I can imagine that would cause some serious psychological damage to a kid.
Three days later, the OP returned with an update.
People wanted an update. So, here it is. It’s short. I was still pretty burned after I posted here but knew we had to speak. Despite my protests and the time we had set, she was at my door when I got home and sort of popped out and scared me. She had her arms of full things - chocolates, a video game, a card, beer and dinner.
You guys were right, her family thing meant that she just never thought people could truly be sick or that it’d just have a fast onset like kidney stones. She apologized and almost wouldn’t let me get a word in edgewise.
She read from her phone and had typed out a lot of notes in her phone including why it was a mistake for me to dump her. I told her how upset I was and just how bad things were at the hospital and why I was mad. She kept saying she was sorry and promised to deal with her problems.
She revealed she texted her therapist about what happened and they had a meeting before she met up with me. He gave her some strategies and offered advice and things to say.
She came with the right answers and seems to think it’s a big deal. She didn’t ask for an apology and dropped that subject altogether. She camped out at my apartment all weekend so that I wouldn’t change my mind and hung around with my friends when they came over.
She was apologetic all weekend and took it upon herself to “take care of me” to make up for when she wasn’t there. It was a bit strange but I didn’t protest a lazy weekend as I still didn’t feel 100% so her laying around was fine.
By the end of the weekend I wasn’t chapped anymore and was fine to move on with life. She kept asking if we were okay and I must have reassured her a quarter of a million times.
My brother came by randomly to bust my balls about a kidney stone and to subtly try and steal beer. He saw my GF and busted her balls and she played along and thanked him for taking me to the hospital.
He attempted to get compensating from her in the form of assistance with his chores, but she danced around that. She was worried my family hates her but I didn't really give them a full rundown so they didn't really know how peeved I was.
Things seem okay for now. I'm going to be watchful and make sure the behavior doesn't crop up anymore. But everything seems okay. Thanks for all your advice.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Honestly, I can imagine that the child of hypochondriacs would have a lot to unpack. Whether OP sticks around or not, going through this with her therapist will help her be a better friend and girlfriend in the future.
Yeah, serious childhood trauma is serious, but it's also really hard to see when you're inside it. It just feels normal. Good for her for recognizing the problem and getting therapy. Whether or not they stay together, this is probably the best outcome.
Normally I'd be shaking my head, but the gf did drop any demands that OP apologize, and showed true contrition. OP would still be in the right to break up, but if he's happy with her apology, I think it isn't a mistake to stay with her.
idk, I don’t think it would be possible for me to stay with someone that leaves me while I’m in pain & begging for help, then refuses to respect my boundaries.
Overall, this poor girl needs to work with her therapist about operating without extremes. Because this post and the update just prove to me repeatedly that she doesn’t know how to react without jumping to one or the other and that’s just not healthy for anyone involved let alone her.