'AITA if I move out and leave my husband at his parents' house?'
"AITA if I move out and leave my husband at his parents' house?"
I have a husband who I’ve been married to for over a year and a half. We fight a lot. I’m talking weekly. When I call him out on things, he freaks out. When he calls me out on things I try to handle them calmly but I’ll be honest — sometimes I do freak out too.
He’s ‘40M’ and I’m ‘30F’ .. He would dm a lot of women… we run businesses and he says this is normal for him to network, but networking and pitching turns to flirting.
And he’s done it with clients and a girl who worked for us. I got really angry and almost divorced him. I even found a divorce lawyer but never pulled the trigger as he apologized and begged me to solve this together.
Now fast forward a few months later: we are still fighting. He’s not sending DMs to girls anymore (he says) and he’s stopped entirely. I do call him out on certain things as precautions so he does not do it again due to past history.
Here’s my problem now — I just don’t know if I trust him. I don’t feel good, I often feel sick.. since I moved in with him and his family I’ve just felt so sick to my stomach because I’m constantly paranoid (he spends a lot of time on his phone), and we don’t have an intimate life either (he hasn’t tried and I just don’t feel it).
Today I called him out on commenting on posts and said just be careful you don’t creep on women and he freaked at me. I also can’t really have convos with him cause he constantly freaks out if I call him out.
Now I’m at a point where I want to move out. I want to go get my own place and live on my own so I can gain some clarity and also try to see what life is like apart from one another.
I come from traditional families and so does he, so this is a big no-no in our culture, but we were supposedly moving out a year into marriage (promise) but he broke it and said we have to wait and won’t even look for homes with me.
But that’s another issue. Making promises and breaking them. He’s always been there for me like when I was in the hospital, if there’s ever a stressful day. He’s always spoiling me and getting me gifts. He’s good to me in those ways… but I’m afraid the fighting is overpowering everything . And the breaking of promises.
I know this is untraditional but I want to move. I don’t like living with his parents because anytime we fight he says just leave or he tells me to stay with your parents. I feel very unstable with him and I want to leave… I want my own home.
Do you think that me leaving and gaining that space and clarity is a bandage approach? Or is it healthy for me to take that distance? Once I move I am not coming back to his parents house.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Yes you should leave. He does not make you feel secure. He disrespects you by messaging other women and he is an AH. There is a reason no one snapped him up before you came along. NTA pull that divorce trigger before you own property together and things get tricky!
No, you wouldn't be. Flirting does not equal networking. It's a breach of your trust. Perhaps it would be an idea to try and set up boundaries regarding this if you did want to save things, but I personally would not continue a relationship with any partner who deems that acceptable.
YWBTAH if you stay. You’re only 30. Definitely move out, but also pull that trigger on the divorce. This dude likes the single life and living with mommy . Get out before you truly get baby trapped.
NTA. First, make sure you don’t get pregnant. Second, leave now. You don’t have much invested in him. The first two years should be the honeymoon period, when you both think neither can do anything wrong. But you two seem to think everything each one does is wrong. This is not a sustainable relationship.
Make sure your finances are separated if you were foolish enough to combine them and then leave. With the short period of time you’ve been married you should be able to get a dissolution. That’s a lot quicker than a messy divorce.
NTA - I say do it, or do something to get some space and clarity. If not a full move out, maybe staying with friends or family for a few weeks. Space will show you how you feel, and if you really want to stick around to find out what he does to you next. Lots of broken promises here in this post and that sucks. Hope he starts coming through on things but tbh? I wouldn’t count on it.
NTA. Honey, listen to your gut. You cannot trust him. You are so miserable you are making yourself sick. I think you leaving to gain clarity is an excellent idea. It would be really good for you to see a therapist during this time for support... it has always helped me gain clarity I can't see when I am too close to a situation.
He has broken his vows and promises to you, no amount of spoiling with gifts will fix that or constant arguing. Cursing at you and telling you to leave is abusive behavior in his part. Stay strong and be brave... your happiness and well-being should be your number one priority. Hugs.