Eavesdropping teen asks 'AITA for strongly opposing a paternity test for my brother?'
AITA for strongly opposing a paternity test for my brother?
I (16M) have recently been dealing with the fallout of finding out that Mum had an affair eleven years ago, and that my brother Danny (10M) might not be my Dad’s.
They’re now getting a divorce, and in the middle of all of this it turns out that Dad wants a paternity test for Danny, and if he isn’t his he doesn’t want custody or to support him after he turns 18.
I found all of this out because I happened to have been eavesdropping, which is a habit I’ve had since I was a little kid and clearly a necessary one because neither of my parents can be trusted to make smart decisions.
I basically told Mum and Dad that if they went through with the paternity test and it was negative and Dad cut Danny off like he was planning, he would lose me as well.
I would oppose living with him after the divorce, I would make any visits absolutely miserable, I would go no-contact with him the moment I turn 18, and I would side with Mum if I have to testify about anything in the divorce.
Dad tried to say that he had to know because symbol of betrayal someone else’s kid bla bla bla bla. Look, I understand, I really do, but they’ve told me my whole life to focus on myself and my siblings and let the adults handle the adult problems, so I’m cashing that in. He can work it out himself.
He said that I was being unfair and I needed to look at it from his side and not Mum’s. I told him I’m not on Mum’s side, I’m on Danny’s side. I reminded him that when I was 6 and Mum got back from hospital he put Danny in my arms and told me I had to look out for him because I'm his big brother. This is me doing exactly that.
Dad offered to do family therapy. I said that that was a great idea, after the divorce is finalized with Danny being treated the same as me and our sister.
If he plans on cutting Danny off if Danny turns out to not be his biologically, no amount of therapy is gonna fix that, and no amount of therapy is gonna get me to accept his decision. Best to just not do the paternity test in the first place.
The rest of the family is split. Kiera, my sister (14) says that Dad has a right to know. The weird thing is that with my grandparents it’s actually Mum’s parents who think everything is best out in the open, and Dad’s parents who think some questions are best left unanswered (Granddad’s words, not mine.)
Nan reminded Dad that he’d been raising Danny for ten years and is his father in every way who matters “no matter whose bits squidged into whose and made him.”
Basically I’m officially cashing in my “worry about yourself and your siblings, not the adults” card and focusing on what’s best for Danny, not anyone else. Me and him are a packaged deal - if Dad cuts him off, he loses me as well.
Once the divorce is finalized and we hit a new normal Dad will see reason and will stop being so curious about whether Danny is biologically his, because he’s Dad’s in every way that matters. AITA?
The post was updated here:
EDIT: To clarify, he's saying he wouldn't want custody of Danny or to support him in any way past 18 when child support would likely end.
As in just acting as if the last ten years never happened and cutting Danny off emotionally and acting like they're strangers and he's not Danny's dad.
Additional Edit: apparently my understanding of child support isn't complete, which honestly I blame on the fact that the internet is dominated by Americans.
Here's what the top commenters had to say:
PerfectionPending said:
Paternity fraud always has at least 3 victims.
needaburnerbaby said:
YTA. Sorry but your father has the right to know if the child he’s been raising is his or not. You’re free to make your decisions after but he has the right to know how many lies he’s been told by your mom.
Also claiming to not be on your moms side when you say that you’d make trips to his awful and go NC with him but nothing against your mom who clearly is the one who cheated doubles down on making you TA. You should apologize and understand or at very least butt out.
whilah said:
You're an immature child. You don't understand this situation no matter how much you think you do. God, I hope your father comes out of this alright. He deserves some peace. YTA.
tyvelo said:
YTA. Your mom cheated yet your dad is punished for it. If your brother is the spawn of her infidelity then your father is not obligated to take care of him.
I’m sure he feels disgusted with the entire situation, mom cheating, son possibly being not his, raised a kid who may not be his, and his true born son choosing cheating mom and bastard brother over him.
I guess good for you that you looked out for your brother but you should be demanding your mom find the real dad and shame her as much as your dad. She’s the villain in this story as are you.
Double-Slide-172 said:
Your mom betrayed your dad. Trust me. If this had been known he was born, your dad would’ve probably not been involved at all. If your brother no longer has a father, that is on your MOM. You’re 16. Quit acting like you have life figured out.
prb65 said:
You dad has every right to know if Danny is his child. What you mom did was terrible. Cheating is on of the worst things you can do in a marriage or committed relationship.
With that said, if he has raised Danny as his own and would continue to support him to 18 he is not just cutting him off and when he turns 18 he would find it very difficult to step away completely. In most countries all child support requirements end at 18. It’s all because you want to after that.
One thing you need to keep remembering is that your dad and Danny are the two innocent ones. You mom caused all of it by cheating. It may be that Danny is your dads but it’s not fair for you to hold your dad hostage for something your mom caused. Instead use your relationship with your dad to encourage him to keep Danny as a son, not threaten him.
Your dad will have to get past the idea that your brother is a visible sign of your mothers actions if he is not his father and your mother will have the primary responsibility of taking ownership for those actions and potentially telling the person that is the father, if not your dad, that he has a child. It’s very complicated and I’m sorry you and your family are going through it.