My ex-husband and I share custody of our five kids (ages 8–16) on a week on/week off schedule, as per our divorce decree. This arrangement has worked well, especially since I started my own massage therapy business last year. However, my ex frequently demands to switch to a two weeks on/two weeks off schedule because he needs to travel out of state for work.
He says it’s too expensive to travel every weekend. To clarify, it’s not a requirement for him to travel two weeks at a time, he’s allowed to travel every other week, it just costs him more to travel four times a month instead of two.
For context, his income is four times mine. I make about $30k a year, and he pays $730 a month in child support and $550 in spousal support, though the spousal support will end in 1.5 years. However, I use the spousal support on the kids anyway to help cover their expenses.
Finding and paying for last-minute childcare adds up quickly. I already work fewer hours on the weeks I have the kids, but I can’t make up for it by working more hours on my off weeks, my body simply can’t handle it.
So every time he changes the plan, it disrupts my client schedule and forces me to either reschedule appointments (potentially losing clients) or find (and pay for) last minute childcare. I’ve told him I need consistency for both my business and the kids, but he argues I should be more flexible because his job is demanding.
On top of that, the kids don’t like the two weeks on/two weeks off arrangement. They are struggling as is with the week on/week off. They prefer to be with me, but there’s nothing I can do about that. The two oldest begged to start therapy because of the stress their father causes them, so I got them into therapy.
Now the third oldest is begging to start therapy too. I worry that the constant changes are detrimental to their mental health and overall stability. He doesn’t believe in mental health and doesn’t want them in therapy, but I digress.
I finally put my foot down and told him I won’t keep adjusting the schedule. Now he’s calling me selfish and says I’m not considering how hard he works to provide for the kids. I feel like I’m just protecting my business and the kids' mental health and stability. AITA?
BoudiccasJustice said:
Just say no. His job is not more demanding or important than yours. You need your job to survive and properly care for your children. He is responsible for childcare needs on his weeks, like you are. Just say no.
If he wants to change the schedule, he needs to go back to court. No judge is going to force you to incur additional costs and/or lose your income to accommodate his changing schedule. He CAN travel every other week, he just wants YOU to take the hit instead of himself. Yeah, no.
CandylandCanada said:
NTA. Is that $730/month for all five kids? In most cases, being flexible and accommodating is in everyone's best interest. You don't have to like the person to make it work. This is not one of those cases. What ex is proposing will be disruptive for everyone but him; he's being selfish.
CTMom79 said:
NTA, but you guys may have to take this to court to resettle the arrangements. Why isn’t his work paying for his travel expenses?
Senior_Parking6305 said:
NTA, tell him you are not, going forward, amenable to change parenting time short of an actual emergency. And do yourself a favor, don’t listen to the raging people below egging you to “take him to court, make the kids talk to the judge”. You don’t need to capitulate to his will here, but you also don’t need to drag your kids into a court battle (especially teenagers) intentionally.
If he files he files. Otherwise, don’t make threats, don’t file anything, and do NOT ask your kids what they want (this is seen by many judges as an alienation tactic, I’m in family law) and will bite you in the rear. Simply state your position and move on, don’t respond to repeated attempts. It’s a business transaction, he asked, you said no. That’s a full sentence.
OutcomeSpare9515 said:
NTA he is getting a child support bargain. He needs to do what the court ordered. He can pay for the extra childcare if he wants to change things up. Seems like he is just into causing you chaos.
RedneckDebutante said:
NTA. Every time you forego the custody agreement to adjust for his wants, the more easy it becomes for him to ask for more and more changes until you can't fall back on the agreement anymore when you need to hold firm. He agreed to this schedule just as you did. If he wants permanent changes, he can take it to court.