'AITA for refusing to apologize to my sister-in-law who RUINED my baby shower?'

"AITA for refusing to apologize to my sister-in-law who ruined my baby shower she 'hosted?'"

My MIL wants my husband and me to apologize to my BIL and SIL (honestly, “Satan-in-law” is more accurate) so the holidays will be “normal.” I don’t feel like I’m the one who should apologize, but I’d like outside opinions.

Some background: my husband and I have been married 10 years. We never had a big wedding or reception, we were traveling for work at the time and just eloped in Paris. After years of trying, we’re finally expecting our first child. My husband has one brother who’s been married for 15+ years, they chose not to have kids.

We told BIL and SIL about the pregnancy before our FB announcement. SIL seemed excited and offered to host the baby shower at her home. I was hesitant because she has a very strong personality, but I agreed to keep the peace.

Fast forward to me being 6 months pregnant. No one has mentioned the shower. I reach out, SIL says “yeah I guess we should do invites.” I send her the guest list and details. She never orders them. So I end up ordering and sending my own shower invites while pregnant for the shower she’s “hosting.”

Then SIL says she wants a co-host to share costs. No problem. A close friend, “Dana,” who already wanted to host me a shower agrees to cohost. I also bring in my best friend “Rebecca” who does event planning to help.

The three of us plus my husband make an Excel sheet of tasks and email it to everyone, including SIL, so everyone knows who’s doing what. At this point I double check she is still good with having it at her home and she states she is.

Communication turns into a nightmare because SIL refuses group FB messages and Dana’s phone can’t handle big group texts. Dana and Rebecca both reach out to SIL individually offering to help. SIL’s only input is “I’ll serve nuts and crackers” and “we have to be out by 4 p.m.” even though she had previously said we could stay as long as needed.

Weekend of the shower, two of the three hosts have a game plan and food is purchased. The night before, Rebecca messages SIL offering help and gets “you can come clean my house and cook me dinner.” They had never even met before and Rebecca had just driven 5 hours to be there.

Day of, we’re told no parking in the yard or street, only in the driveway ok no problem. We can’t even set up until 30 minutes before because SIL “had plans.” When we arrive, she and an uninvited friend are putting up “no parking” signs and dancing around. Guests start arriving while we’re still scrambling to set up.

During the shower SIL stomps around, slams doors, plays on her phone, makes snide comments to her friend, disappears to the basement to blast metal music so loud the floor vibrates, and doesn’t speak to any guests.

The one time I try to talk to her she rolls her eyes and says “we’ll discuss this later.” I’m pregnant, stressed, and in tears. BIL later says SIL is “mad she wasn’t included” in planning even though she got the Excel sheet, texts, and calls from Dana and Rebecca.

At 3:30 I’m still opening gifts. SIL starts texting my husband threatening to have everyone “arrested and towed” if we’re not out by 4 p.m. Husband pushes back, but we still rush to finish and clean. MIL asks for the vacuum to help, SIL says it’s “changing” and can’t be used. We obviously couldn’t get the place perfect.

FIL even asks if he can stay to lock up while we finish, SIL says no. Glitter from the decorations ends up near an air vent and in a pile of her dirty laundry. It was minor, but she flips out. While we’re loading cars, she storms out screaming “who stole my chair?”

It had just been moved to the laundry room. As soon as we leave she goes on a Facebook rant comparing the shower to an insurrection, complaining about parking, glitter, spilled lemonade (which my husband cleaned), people moving items to make space, someone using her cookie sheet to warm up food, Rebecca’s husband being present (she called him a “piece of crap” behind his back...

...he’s the godfather of our baby and an honorably discharged vet), and the chair for myself (mom 2 B) to sit in. Other things she was mad with and stated includes; decorations brought in, us bring in folding chairs bc of her not having adequate seating for people especially the older people with disabilities because in her words “she doesn’t GAF where people are going to sit bc they can stand up."

She texted all three of us a long message calling us “POS” the next day. My husband responded to defend me since I was 7 months pregnant, which SIL then used and posted on facebook to say “my POS SIL can’t even stand up for herself.” Now MIL is telling us to apologize to SIL and BIL so the holidays will be normal. I feel like we bent over backwards and still got humiliated. AITA for refusing to apologize?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

cruiser4319 said:

“We aren’t apologizing because we won’t be seeing SIL during the holidays or any other time ever again."

Cursd818 said:

NTA. Your husband needs to tell MIL that you are both furious and disgusted by how despicable SIL's behavior was and that until she sincerely apologizes, she will never be around any of you again. And that MIL demanding that you apologize is completely unacceptable.

Block SIL. Even if she apologizes, keep her entirely at arms length. You won't attend anything she hosts, she doesn't get to enter your home, and you will only be civil at big gatherings. Protect your peace from her games and tantrums.

As for MIL, she also needs to apologize and accept that SIL's actions have forever changed the way your family will interact from now on. If she won't accept it, you should step away from her, too.

And please work on your self-respect and backbone. There's about to be a helpless infant who is solely relying on you and your husband to protect them. If you won't stand up for yourselves, at least stand up for them.

RHND2020 said:

NTA but I can’t understand why you didn’t pull the plug on this and let one of your friends host when it became clear your SIL was going to make this a miserable experience. Keeping the peace comes at a cost. Do you want to be around her for the holidays? refuse to apologize and if that means you don’t have to spend time with her any more, it’s a win-win.

StrategyDouble4177 said:

NTA. Please have all your friends send her glitter bomb mail. Never speak to her again but you can respond in writing…with your glitter pen. Bonus points if you ONLY say “come clean my house and make me dinner."

Never ever forget to bring little “no parking” signs. If you’re ever in the same room as her again, place the signs in all the open seats. If she asks to hold your baby, threaten to have her arrested and towed.

drtennis13 said:

NTA. Do not apologize and make it clear that you did nothing wrong. Get hubby to tell MIL that until SIL apologizes that she won’t have to worry about the holidays since you and the new baby won’t be there if SIL is.

Get hubby to also tell MIL that since she chose SIL in this conflict that access to grandbaby will be limited until she changes her point of view. And then cut them all off until they offer up sincere condolences. But to be clear here, there is nothing for YOU to do. Your hubby’s family, his problem, he does the communication.

GroovyYaYa said:

Don't you dare. You tell MIL and FIL that you are NOT going to have either your baby's first Christmas or the last Christmas where it is just the two of you ruined by her batcrap daughter in law. (you don't indicate when this was and if you've had the kid)

If you cave, it will be CONSTANT. You will be expected to provide ballast when it is actually SIL doing the rocking. I'd remind her that holidays are changing anyway to a new normal with a kid involved, and that YOU won't have your kid around such chaos.