'AITA for refusing to be my brother's best man at his wedding?' 'He made that decision without telling me.'
"AITA for refusing to be my brother's best man at his wedding after he made that decision without telling me?"
I (28m) have a contentious relationship with my older brother (31m). As kids, he would regularly bully me and generally be obnoxious to me. As adults, he often refuses to respect my personal space and boundaries whenever I see him, in addition to frequently saying things or sharing social media posts in our family group text that hateful and ignorant.
Any other kind of "-ist" or "phobic" adjective you could think of. As a result, I try to limit my exposure to him, and dread any situations where I'm forced to spend time with him. He got engaged to his girlfriend a little under 2 years ago, and they and my dad and step-mom have been planning their wedding ever since.
The wedding is scheduled for the end of this month, and is 18 days away as of when I post this. As his brother, I knew that I would have to be one of his groomsmen, and I was fine with that. I also fully expected one of his close childhood friends to be his best man considering I don't have (or want) a close relationship with him.
I've been under this impression for almost the past year, until I heard from my (biological) mom about a week ago that the Best Man duties were going to be shared between me and my younger half-brother.
I called my dad about this, and he confirmed that my younger brother and I would split best man responsibilities at the wedding. I've been pretty mentally checked out regarding the wedding for the past few months, in addition to sorting out my mental health, so I brushed the whole situation off as me just not remembering when we talked about this being the plan....
Until a few days ago when I was messaging a long-distance friend, looked back through our chat history, and saw a part of a convo where I was talking about the wedding with them, and explicitly saying that one of my brother's friends was going to be the Best Man. This message was from 7 months ago.
I called my dad again about this, and he said that me and my younger brother being the Best Men had been the plan the whole time, and that I have to do it because I'm his brother and it's tradition. Again, I don't like my brother, and I don't want to be his Best Man, and if I was asked, I would absolutely say no.
So now I'm feeling gaslit about this entire situation. I have no memory of ever having a conversation with any member of my family where they asked me to be the best man, and not only does it feel more like I'm being told to be it, but this is being dropped on me barely within a month of the wedding itself.
For a decision made months ago, I assumed I would've been talked to about it far, FAR sooner than 2.5 weeks before. So with all of these factors in mind, AITA for adamantly telling my family that I'm not going to be one of the best men at my brother's wedding?
I'm fine with still being a groomsmen (since that was communicated to me in a timely manner), but I absolutely do not want to be a part of their uncoordinated dysfunction any more than I already have to.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
StarlightMoon1111 said:
NTA - you’re an adult and allowed to decline something that makes you feel uncomfortable. You’re not responsible for anyone else’s feelings about that, even if they try and make it so.
You can, however, handle it calmly and with sensitivity to mitigate the fall out. You mentioned you’ve had mental health struggles, so that might be a more palatable excuse than “I don’t like you."
Having-hope3594 said:
NTA. Why not call your brother and tell him that you’ve heard these rumors but it’s something you’re not wanting to do? Because yeah, he should’ve asked you a long time ago and then you could’ve declined.
frisfern said:
NTA. Except I don't know how you're going to get out of it unless you don't go period. Otherwise, it seems like none of your family respects boundaries and they'll bully you on the wedding day. And just to clarify, you would NTA if you just don't go at all.
Individual-Paint7897 said:
NTA. He sounds like a jerk. Maybe his friend doesn’t want to be Best Man either. Personally, I would just say something came up & you can’t attend at all - sorry. Then block everyone until it’s over. Take yourself on a nice vacay that week.
Nameless_consult said:
NTA. I would call that friend and find out what is really going on.
PommieGirl said:
NTA. My question though is why do you keep talking to your Dad about it? Go to the source, your brother & flat out ask him wth is going on.