'AITA for refusing to invite my estranged father to my wedding?' 'He walked out on us.'

"AITA for Refusing to Invite My Estranged Father to My Wedding?"

I (27F) am getting married in a few months. My father left my mother and me when I was five years old. He was struggling with some major addiction issues at the time and has continued to deal with that over the years.

He was never really involved in my life, and we only saw each other or even spoke occasionally during random holidays and special events. He never paid child support and was completely absent during my teenage years.

About a year ago, when I was already engaged, my father reached out saying he wanted to rebuild our relationship. The last time I had heard from him was when I graduated college...5 years ago.

He apologized for not being there and said he regrets his choices. I was skeptical but decided to give him a chance. We met up a few times, and while it was nice to talk, things just didn't feel right. Honestly, it felt like something had been lost that could never be recovered.

When it came time to send out wedding invitations, I made the decision not to invite him. I didn't feel like he had earned the right to be there on one of the most important days of my life. There will also be alcohol at the wedding and he is known to be a very angry alcoholic.

My mother, who practically raised me on her own, has been supportive. However, when my father found out, he was devastated. He said he's really trying to make amends and that this would be a huge step in our reconciliation.

My fiancé supports my decision, but some family members think I'm being unfair. They believe he has changed and that I should give my father more of a chance to prove himself, and that this would be a big opportunity for him to do so. Others agree with me and think he has forfeited his right to be at my wedding when he walked out on us.

AITA for not inviting my estranged father to my wedding despite attempts to reconcile? Should I have given him this opportunity or am I right to prioritize my own feelings and the people who have always been there for me?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

sportsbraFTW said:

NTA. This is the consequence of his long-term neglect of your relationship. It's your choice. If you still welcome his contact then tell him you are still open to rebuilding your relationship but that your wedding is not the place for it.

CemeteryDweller7719 said:

NTA. Your wedding day is not the day for a reconciliation. Let’s just say that he has made major changes to his life. Let’s assume he will not get drunk and due to the drunkenness become volatile. (Which you don’t know him anymore so you don’t know one way or another.) You are going to be busy that day.

Weddings are hectic, you’ll be engaging with lots of friends and family. It is not the place for reconciliation and amends. If you wanted him to be present, fine. You don’t really owe him a place there. He is basically a stranger, by his choice.

You don’t owe him a shortcut into amends, because that’s what him attending is at this point. He hasn’t put the work into making amends with you. I highly doubt he’s put the work into making amends with your mother or other family that have been hurt by him.

kipsterdude said:

NTA. Your wedding is not the time to give him a chance and see how he's changed.

Holiday_Trainer_2657 said:

NTA Weddings are not times to rebuild relationships. If he really wants to do that, it should be at other times. Plus, you have said in your post that, basically, for you, the ship has already sailed. He may want a do over, but you don't. And you do not owe him the opportunity. Maybe it's time to make it clear to him.

Ok_Homework8692 said:

NTA why does this attempt at reconciliation have to occur at such a big event? He's had more than enough chances, if he really wanted a relationship with you he'd understand and suggest you start meeting after the wedding to work on your relationship.

It's not like your wedding is going to be the ideal way to spend a lot of time with him. It sounds more like hell be embarrassed when friends and family ask why he was excluded - he has not earned the right and Id let him know it.

Appropriate_Bug_4633 said:

NTA this is your wedding It is a time to be with the people who love honor and support you, as you move on to the next stage of your life. You were under no obligation to invite anyone, especially someone that will make you feel on edge hoping nothing disastrous happens