'AITA for humiliating my coworker in front of everyone after she called me her "work-husband"?' UPDATED

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"AITA for calling my coworker work-sister after she called me work-husband in front of everyone?"

I (34M) work in a small office and we have about 30 people working here. Mary (35F) is one of my coworkers. We have been working together for 6 years now. We have 6 people in our department, and we have to frequently travel across the state as our work involves overseeing government projects.

We always travel in a group of two. Although my travel partner changes based on the project, Mary and I are generally put on similar projects and enjoy each other's company. My wife also likes Mary. Overall, we have a very healthy work relationship.

On to the incident. Yesterday, we had a happy hour in our office, and we were all drinking after work hours and chatting. It was a group of around 10 people that stayed back. Mary was blabbering about how we both have been travelling together so much in the last year.

She was roasting me for my habits while travelling like always forgetting stuff in my hotel room, being sweaty and stinky when I join her for breakfast in mornings (because I go to hotel gym). Everyone was laughing and she was making it sound how unbearable I was to tag along (all in good fun).

I also told some funny and sweet stories about her and agreed with her saying that I can be difficult to be with sometimes.Mary came to me and hugged me tightly and told me that she loves me, and I am her work-husband. It was all innocent on surface, but she might have been a bit drunk and just didn't let go of her tight hug.

Also, I hate that phrase as I do have a wife that I promised to be with forever, and not just in non-working hours. After a few seconds, I started becoming uncomfortable and also saw few people staring at us. So, to diffuse the situation, I took her hands off my shoulder and told her, she was my work-sister and that is why I love to annoy her so much.

That seemed to have upset Mary and she left and went back to her desk and was sobbing silently. I tried to apologize to her, but she told me how embarrassing the whole situation was. She said that she just meant work-husband in platonic way, but me calling her work-sister made her sound like a creep in front of the whole office.

She was also angry that I aggressively removed her hands from my shoulders while hugging. I tried to reason with her that I do not like the "work-husband" phrase and also people gave dirty looks when she said it. So, I was just trying to make sure people do not take her words in the worng way. We talked for a few minutes afterwards and Mary calmed down. She hugged me again and left.

I felt really guilty afterwards because I can see Mary's point. I made her sound like a creep by implying that she meant something inappropriate when she called me her work-husband. However, I was a bit uncomfortable in that situation and just did not want people to call us that (or assume something wrong).

Am I the AH for calling Mary my "work-sister"? I am sitting in my office writing this and a bit worried if I embarrassed Mary in front of everyone.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Mmm_hummus said:

NTA though you are being far too generous. The reason why she jumped straight to thinking you were calling her a creep, because she knows what she was doing was inappropriate. 'Work-husband' is considered widely inappropriate now. She knows this. You responded correctly. You owe your actual wife loyalty. Mary needs to back off and act more of a professional.

Oddly_quirky said:

You're NTA. All too often, work spouses end up being inappropriately involved and you were trying to head off any rumors. Good on you. I think work sister is a much better term.

bamf1701 said:

NTA. I think you were justified that whole time. Unfortunately, alcohol can make things awkward for everyone, but you were made uncomfortable by the extended hug, so you removing her arms from you was understandable.

The problem is right now is that Mary is only considering her own feelings and not thinking at all how her actions made you feel. She did think that such a public display of affection might make a married man uncomfortable, she is only thinking that you made her look like a creep. And, let’s be honest, she did kind of look like someone hitting on a married man after drinking too much.

hereforthesportsball said:

NTA you are in your mid 30s, it is inappropriate to use terms like work husband. Your wife doesn’t deserve that shit and you know it. You acted correctly and that deserves respect my man

Logical_Block1507 said:

Mary was inappropriate in multiple ways, and you did your best to diffuse and correct the situation without making her look worse than she was making herself look. She took it upon herself to refer to you as her "work-husband" in front of others, without seeing how you felt about the phrase, so the only person who made her seem creepy is her.

If she is embarrassed, that is NOT your fault, nor is it your problem to fix. As far as her getting "angry" because you "aggressively" removed her hands while she was hugging you...that was extremely inappropriate for her to have even done in the first place. That's the kind of thing that can get someone a meeting in HR. None of this is on you, OP. None of it. NTA

DizzyDucki said:

Nope, NTA - Not even a smidge. Thank you for being one of the good guys, respecting your ACTUAL wife and shutting this nonsense down. She should be embarrassed by her behavior and maybe this will help her learn to keep her mitts off other people's spouses - or even just coworkers in general.

I would take a step back from her though and not get played into comforting her or managing her feelings again. She's a grown woman and none of that is appropriate in the workplace.

Two months later, he shared this update:

I'm sorry to leave everyone hanging, but the next few weeks were busy, and the issue was eventually resolved. Thanks to everyone for the comments—they really helped me when I talked to my manager about the situation. However, the last week has been crazy, so I wanted to get some opinions on what I should do next.

After my last post, my wife and I were no longer comfortable with Mary's behavior. Although a part of me thought I was overreacting and that it was just part of Mary's personality, I felt the need to protect myself. I requested a meeting with my manager and HR to document my side of the story.

I wrote down everything and told them about the incident at the party, as well as Mary coming into my office and the comments she made. I made it clear that while I did not want them to take action against her, I wanted to emphasize that her behavior made me uncomfortable, especially her comments about knowing me better than my wife and remarks about my shorts.

My manager had already heard about the incident at the happy hour, as everyone in the office was talking about it. He told me he would try to shake up the travel schedule to minimize our travel together.

The issue was that only four people in our company generally work on offsite audits, and the other two coworkers did not want to split up because they claimed they worked well together. As a result, I continued traveling with Mary for the next couple of weeks, but it was awkward, and I kept my distance.

My manager then called Mary and me to his office and informed us that he was planning to train a new auditor, Carolina (26F), and set up a schedule where she would travel with me for one week and then with Mary the following week. We were asked to train her. I liked this arrangement because it meant I no longer had to travel with Mary.

Carolina turned out to be a great travel buddy, and I made sure not to get too comfortable with her. I always dressed professionally when we went for breakfasts, avoided late-night drinks, and maintained healthy boundaries. Things were great until last week.

Last Tuesday, I could feel everyone staring at me when I entered the office, and I was immediately called to a meeting with my manager and HR. HR asked if I had anything to report regarding Carolina and if she had made any advances toward me during our work trips. I told them no, that Carolina had been very professional the entire time.

I asked why I was being interrogated, and they told me they couldn't disclose any further details, but that Carolina was being investigated by HR for inappropriate conduct. I left the meeting, and Mary came to my office, asking what had happened.

She mentioned that she was also told Carolina would no longer be traveling with us and that we were asked to travel together again. I told her I had no idea what was going on.

I messaged Carolina to see if she was okay and if she needed to talk. She asked if she could come to my office, and I agreed. Carolina explained that someone anonymously sent messages to her boyfriend, posing as someone from the office over the weekend.

The message included screenshots of Carolina sending some inappropriate pictures she had taken in her hotel rooms during our travels, and flirtatious messages. This person claimed to her boyfriend that Carolina was trying to cheat with him at work, and he was just trying to warn them.

Her boyfriend went crazy after seeing the pictures, ghosted her, and then sent the messages to HR as revenge. Carolina was in tears, telling me that she had only taken those pictures for her boyfriend and had no idea how they got leaked or how those messages even existed.

Her boyfriend was furious because he also received the exact pictures from Carolina and knew they weren't fake. I consoled Carolina, but she's in deep trouble, as our workplace takes such things very seriously (because we work on government contracts), and I'm sure everyone suspects I am the anonymous messenger.

I was told that the matter would be investigated, and Mary and I would be working together on the project again. My manager said there was nothing he could do and also mentioned that they might go through my emails and messages on my company phone as part of the investigation into Carolina.

Mary seems very happy about the whole situation and keeps talking about how excited she is to revisit the restaurants and bars we used to frequent during off-site trips. She also keeps referring to Carolina as "that pervert."

The whole thing is just crazy. My wife, of course, believes that I would never do anything inappropriate with Carolina and that I wasn't the anonymous messenger. However, her conspiracy theory is that Mary, who was also traveling with Carolina, may have unlocked her phone and accessed the photos.

It feels far-fetched, but the fact is, I'm not thrilled about traveling with Mary again. I don't think I have any other recourse to get off this project except leaving the job, which isn't possible at this time. I know many of you work in HR, and I would appreciate any advice on what I can do next.