"AITA for embarrassing my mom at family dinner?"
I (22F) have been overweight my whole life. It's been something I struggle with a lot because I have ADHD and would use food to balance my feelings a lot. At the same time I've always struggled with "food noise" where my mind is constantly thinking about my next meal or snacks. Not to try and excuse my weight, but it explains why I so easily got to where I am.
I'm now working to lose weight with a dietitian and my bf supporting me the whole way. As of today I've lost 5lbs. Yesterday, my parents drove across the country to visit everyone as most of my siblings attend the same college as me, and most the extended family lives here as well. Basically, I don't see my parents often because they live so far away.
During dinner we were catching up. I talked about the projects I've done for school and how I joined my city's women's hockey team. I always wanted to do hockey and got the chance to so I was really excited. That's when the comments from my mom started. She said that it was good I was doing a sport to "take off that college weight."
My mom has made comments my whole life, as a result I often hear her voice in my head talking about my weight whenever I workout or hit the ice. It's gotten worse now that I'm putting more effort into my health. I asked her to not mention my weight because it was not important. The night went on, my siblings and I joked about having to walk up the steep hill just to get to class.
Then my mom said it would be easier to walk if I lost weight. My mom and I started arguing with me telling her to stop talking about my weight and her defense was that she was worried about my health. Here's where I may be TA. I said "why should I buy you anything if you're just going to pass away anyways?"
The context for that question comes from when I was 16. I needed new jeans due to regular wear and tear, on the drive to the store my mom kept going on and on about my weight. She asked if I cared about living, then asked that question. I remember that drive vividly even 6 years later. She looked confused so I repeated myself and the context for it.
She got upset and my grandparents looked shocked. Even my dad. I continued, stating that I've always hated myself and my weight and I'm desperately trying to love myself without constantly hearing her voice in my head.
That I don't talk to her because I know she's always going to find a way to make the conversation about my weight. I got up and left, crying the whole way home. Instead of digging into some ice cream my bf took me for a walk around a nearby park and held me while I cried.
I finally explained the whole context to him and he was angry because I've never fully explained my weight issues from my past. It was really reassuring because my mom would often say I'd never find love with my weight. Ever since then my phone has been blowing up with texts from family. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
barnowl1980 wrote:
Your mom needs to stop verbally harassing you about your weight, and either hold her nasty opinions to herself, or help you with controlling your diet like a normal, supportive parent would. She seems to enjoy tearing your self-confidence down ever since you were a minor. That is abuse and you don't have to stand for it.
You bit back this time, and it seems like your mom had that coming for a long time. If she can't take it, she shouldn't dish it out. NTA tell your mom she is behaving in a despicable way Also: awesome that you lost the 5lbs. Keep going, you got this! 💪
(are you using fidgets btw? I find they help me with food noise as well as anxiety. It can take a bit of trying to find the right type of fidget that "clicks" for your brain. They didn't do anything for me, until I found magnetic fidgets).
OP responded:
Figets are a good idea! Right now, my main distraction from the noise is spending too much time gaming. Which I can't do because I have a ton of homework to do all the time. Right now I got some squishy figets, but they don't do much. I remember a little spinny ring helped me when I was in high school.
Teamtunafish wrote:
Good for you and NTA. Your mother made herself look bad. She was picking on you and you stood up to her, which is a scary thing to do. Congratulations on standing your ground and look at your shiny spine!
Martyrolympics wrote:
NTA. And you know what? You have two wins to take away from this horrible incident. One, you didn't use food to comfort yourself. Two, you opened up to your boyfriend and got support from him, disproving your mother's assertion that you are not lovable. Ignore your family, no need to read those texts now or ever. Protect your mental health as much as your physical health.
incognito_autistic wrote:
NTA. Not that it matters, but I am so proud of you! You said exactly what needed to be said to your mother, and because of her behavior, in exactly the right time and place. I imagine that it was really hard to do, but you did it! She needed to hear it so do not apologize. You did nothing wrong. You are doing well for yourself; keep looking forward.
Not long after posting, OP shared an update.
Edit: Thank you for all the support. It's easy for me to forget that I'm worthy after so many years of being told I'm not. I finally called my mom while my bf held my hand. The conversation started off rocky, but gradually got a little better. I told her the whole story of how I've felt through all these years.
From the boiled egg and salad diet she forced me on at 11, to the constantly trying weird Pinterest miracle weight loss hacks that came up after that. I told her how I didn't even understand what a calorie was or why she was upset at the number on the scale.
I told her how I spent all of 10th grade starving myself and then gaining it all back because the only thing that kept me going was her hateful voice despite constantly falling asleep in school.
I told her how I've been in and out of therapy just making sure I healed enough to not want to starve myself when I did try to lose weight again. She apologized with one of her fake "I'm sorry you feel that way," apologizes. I told her I'm not going to talk to her until she can get help for her own issues because I know she's often projecting her own health issues.
My mom was overweight when I was younger, but I know she's still spending a lot of money to drink those meal replacement drinks. Thank you all again for the support. I'm gonna keep fighting to get my health in order. I honestly expected a lot more hate, but thankfully, it was just one guy who really thought I was responsible for my weight at 8 years old.
Here's what people had to say to OP's update:
impossible_height_46 wrote:
OMG. I had the same thing happen to me. The difference is that I'm 69 and am just starting therapy. It's called "body dysmorphia." My mother is long dead, but she left a lasting impression on me. Good luck. You are NTA but your mother sure is.
Upper-Sail-4253 wrote:
NTA. Is it your family calling, calling, calling? I‘d answer, and just tell them that you‘d finally snapped! That mom had been hassling you about your weight your whole life, and you just couldn’t take it any more! They probably understand and are on your side, because they know you and they know her. If not, just go no or low contact . Be proud of your weight loss so far and good luck on your journey!
Superpetty-2305 wrote:
NTA. Your mom had it coming and was asking for it. Negative remarks like that are no good to anyone. She needs to take a good hard look at herself to find the reason why she feels the need to make you feel like crap about your weight. Congratulations on losing 5 pounds!!! I was over 200 pounds during the worst time of my life and losing that weight did wonders for my mental health.
I had less self depreciating thoughts, and felt more confident! Keep going, and soon the "food noise" will finally shush. Also a big congratulations on getting to play hockey! I wanted to when I was younger but was told no several times by my father because according to him "that's a man's sport." I'd go NC with your mother until she can dust off some of her manners.