"AITA for not telling my husband he smells sooner and ruining a friend’s wedding?"

This week was the wedding of two of my husband’s (33M) and my (31F) longtime friends. For some background, recently we’ve been having some issues. I told him I needed some space, so we agreed he should move back in with his mom temporarily. I wasn’t thrilled about this because she tends to baby him, though I had to accept it as he had nowhere else to go and I wanted him out of the house.

I wondered what to do about the wedding, we talked and decided it would be best for us to go together and for him to move back home afterwards. He didn’t have time before the wedding to pack up his things and so got ready at his mom’s while I got ready at home and we planned to meet there.

When he arrived I was already chatting with friends. He came over to us and immediately I noticed this rotten stench on him. He smelled like he’d been dumpster diving. It made my eyes water a little. I noticed our friends noticing, but he was completely oblivious and kept on chatting. I tried to let him know discreetly but he was not getting the hint at all.

We took our seats in the chapel and the service was beautiful. By this point my nose had pretty much tuned out the smell but it was clearly affecting other people and I still hadn’t had a chance to let him know. After the service I saw an old girlfriend I hadn’t seen in years and wanted to catch up. Apparently, while I was chatting with her, a friend had pulled Hubby aside and basically told him he stunk.

He got upset and demanded we leave immediately. In the car we argued and he told me I was a horrible wife to let him embarrass himself like that in front of friends and I was probably laughing behind his back. He said that I knew he could be forgetful and since he was my responsibility as his wife I should have called him up at his mom’s to remind him to shower (usually he’ll come in when I’m in).

I was speechless and said nothing the entire car ride home while he berated me.

This morning I checked my phone and we have both been removed from a number of group chats that included friends that went to the wedding.

I heard through some friends that the bride feels we ruined her day (more people were talking about my husband than we thought), and she no longer wants to speak with us. I’m shocked and really hurt by this and have been feeling guilty all day. I didn’t want to embarrass him by letting him know when other people were around but now I’ve cost him friends and feel like I handled it all horribly. So AITA?

Yikes. What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

ghostofumich2005 said:

"told him he stunk. He got upset and demanded we leave immediately. In the car we argued and he told me I was a horrible wife to let him embarrass himself like that." Strong opening.

"He said that I knew he could be forgetful and since he was my responsibility as his wife I should have called him up at his mom’s to remind him to shower." There it is.

I'm gonna go NTA. Your husband is the one who ruined their day by showing up smelling like a whale carcass. You could have said something. You did not. From his reaction I'd bet he'd be mad either way, telling him or not telling him. And honestly he should be embarrassed. He is a grown man, living with his mom, who still requires his wife call him daily to remind him to shower. F that.

capricornmoney said:

I’ve seen in this sub “my husband got mad at me for forgetting to wake him up”, “my husband got mad at me for making him the wrong food”, “my husband got mad at me for blablahhh”, but I’ve NEVERRRRR seen MY HUSBAND GOT MAD AT ME FOR NOT TELLING HIM TO SHOWER This is a historical day for men’s incompetence in hygiene. NTA

tatasz said:

NTA. How old is your husband, 5? If he doesn't shower, it's on him. Honestly, I'm not surprised you need some space. But what you really need is a divorce.

straightaspasta said:

NTA but your husband is. "In the car we argued and he told me I was a horrible wife to let him embarrass himself like that in front of friends and I was probably laughing behind his back. He said that I knew he could be forgetful and since he was my responsibility as his wife I should have called him up at his mom’s to remind him to shower (usually he’ll come in when I’m in).

I was speechless and said nothing the entire car ride home while he berated me." You want to stay married to this excuse of man? Seriously? No one and I mean literally no one should have to tell their spouse to shower. Being forgetful is no excuse for poor hygiene. Does he not have a nose? Is he incapable of smelling or even feeling the filth on his body?

The fact that he berates you and puts this entire situation on you would be enough for me to make the separation official. This is appalling behavior.

thejackalreborn said:

NTA- WTF? How bad do you have to smell to ruin a wedding? He was just projecting his shame into anger onto you. If you smell so bad you're kicked out a groupchat you need a long hard look at yourself

And Allimack said:

Ugh. ESH (You and your Ex) because SOMEONE needed to drag your husband out of there as soon as the smell was noticed. Clearly everyone was hoping since you are the one most related to him that you would kindly take on that role.

The fact that you didn't shows the contempt you have for him. You didn't have his back to save him from this deep embarrassment. And you didn't care that this was impacting everyone.

Not that I think he should blame you for his own horrible lack of hygiene. That is 100% on him. But you smelled him and people needed you to step up and handle this and you didn't and you didn't ask someone else to handle it. People probably held back because they didn't want to butt in - after all, YOU were sitting next to him and enabling this, so that gave other people pause.

You did handle this horribly because your inaction / enablement directly led to the problem stench remaining waaaaay longer than it should have.

Commenters agreed, for the most part, NTA. Do you agree?

OP later shared this update, and things took a turn:

Update: Thanks for all of your comments and advice. I’ve really been rethinking our relationship over the past few days. Last night a friend sent this post to my husband and he went off on me again.

Seeing him like this hurt, but it was the push I needed to realise that the best thing for me is to leave. I’m moving in with a friend tonight and we’ll work it out from then on. My husband is out right now and so I’m packing. Thank you guys for helping me realise that this wasn’t healthy.

Onward and oderless-ward!