'AITA for wanting to end my engagement because her kids don't accept me and I want a family of my own?'
"AITA for wanting to end my engagement because her kids don't accept me and I want a family of my own?"
I (34m) have been with my fiancée (33f) for 6 years now. She was a widow with two kids when we met. The kids were 5 and 6 when their dad died, they were 7 and 8 when I met my fiancée and we have lived together for the past three years and engaged for 7 months.
We've all had individual therapy, family therapy and me trying to go at their pace but the kids don't like me. They won't like anyone their mom is with. That much is painfully clear. But they are so against me that I would not want to get married and have kids with my fiancée and bring them into a divided family.
It has been argued by some of her friends and mine that things might be this way because we're not married. That the kids would respect me and believe I'm staying if we get married. And I accept there's a chance of that. But what if we get married and they still hate me or maybe they hate me more?
The kids are willing to fight their own grandparents, aunts and uncles over me. They do not want to be my friend. They do not want to see me as an uncle or trusted adult, they do not want to see me as a parent and they will yell at their relatives for referring to me as one of their parents. Not even their dad. But as one of their parents.
And they are very firm in not wanting me to be their dad. They said nobody can take their dad's place. I even told them I would never try but would like whatever relationship they're most comfortable with. Nothing works.
Spending time with them is like dragging them to the dentist. They resist and act like it's the worst thing ever and they won't open up to me or have fun even 1:1 with just one of the kids.
Not to mention they constantly disrespect me when I'm alone with them. I get slightly less disrespect when others are around but if they decide to make me spending time with them hell the disrespect is dialed up by 100.
My fiancée said she wants to get married and have more kids. That she's been ready for a while. She even proposed to me. But I have told her I do not feel good about it when her kids are where they're at with me.
She knows I want kids of my own and she told me we'll have them. She seems willing to believe her kids will come around to the idea of me some day and that we just need to show them I'm not going anywhere. I think it's a big risk and one that is harder to break. As it is I could move out today and we're not entangled anymore. Marriage and kids together changes it.
My fiancée's family desperately want me to stick it out and once I made my fiancée that I am seriously considering ending things they were begging me to commit and stick it out. They said the kids need someone as solid as me and we could still have the marriage and kids I want too. That she wants more kids.
My fiancée said it's not fair that we have to break up over this. I told her she's not the one who has to live with kids who hate her and have admitted (to their therapist and to cousins) they would be happy to see me dead if it meant removing me from the equation. AITA for wanting to leave?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
I have a friend that’s in the same boat, only he did marry and his step kids that he has raised nearly their whole lives still hate him. He isn’t their dad and never will be. They are adults now and still treat him like he stole their mother from their father when the father was dead for over 3 years before he met their mother. It’s really sad to see honestly.
Lyinc8988 (OP)
This is the future I don't want but is the one I see if I stay.
No, you’re not. They’re kids and they’re obviously still hurting, but there’s only so much that you can reasonably be expected to put up with. You have clearly tried to have this conversation with your partner but she needs to realise that their hostility has to end or you walk. Good luck, OP, I fear you will need it!
Lyinc8988 (OP)
I also think we might need to face the reality that nothing will make their hostility toward me end. I feel like she could punish them indefinitely to try and make them realize but from what I've heard that usually backfires and adds to the resentment and hostility. Thanks. I feel you're right. Though it makes me want to just end it all more regardless of what others want.
NTA. You have been in the children's lives for six years and they are still hostile. They don't want you around. Therapy hasn't helped. Encouragement from family members hasn't helped.
Marrying your fiancee would be a terrible mistake as the children aren't worried you may leave - they want you to leave. The best option is to end your relationship, however painful that may be. It's not fair to you or your fiancee but it's reality.
Edit: Please be careful to not bring a baby into this situation.
NTA. Sorry but you're going to have cut and run. Maybe they'll accept you one day, maybe they'll accept any kids that come along. Or maybe they won't. Leave now or, probably, divorce later.
Hi. I've been this widow. I am this widow. So lonely, after the grief subsided, but my kids were hell bent on the idea that "no man could replace their dad". Nothing you do will change those little minds.
Not therapy. Not spending time with them. Nothing. The worst idea of all is giving them step-siblings to complain about. They won't accept those babies are their siblings, and omg, I can hear the endless complaints if you so much as ask them to back up and let baby breathe, much less empty a diaper pail.
There's just an entitlement (for lack of a batter word) that sets in with young children when one parent DIES. They don't have memories of raging arguments. No bad behavior, no cheating, no drama, none of the nonsense divorced adults pull on each other. The deceased is remembered--sometimes even re-cast--in absolute perfection, and they won't accept anyone else. (Mine were 9 and 12)
Yes, I've now been widowed longer than I was married. I was 40 when my husband died, and trying to date? Oh, Lord, my kids were evil to anyone I brought home--all 2 of them, lol. To this day I kinda want to apologize to those perfectly nice men for the things my children said or did to them.
At this point, I have few regrets about remaining single, but I'm 65. Still, I can't say I regret not putting us all through the hell I read about on Reddit when people try to blend families. Good luck.