'AITA if I end my friendship with two bridesmaids who ditched my bachelorette trip?'
"AITA for considering ending my friendship with my bridesmaids who ditched my bachelorette and pre-wedding plans?"
I (30F) had a destination wedding in Tuscany, Italy. To make things easier and cheaper for my bridesmaids, I decided to have my bachelorette party just two days before the wedding instead of planning something elsewhere. I organized a wine tour and told my bridesmaids months in advance so they could plan accordingly.
Two of my bridesmaids, let’s call them Jen and Pam, who I’ve been friends with since childhood, said they couldn’t make it to the bachelorette because flying into Tuscany early was too expensive. But I knew they were flying into Rome four days before the wedding, which is less than an hour’s flight away. I was hurt but kept quiet.
I also planned a welcome day on Friday, a small hike, a castle tour, and dinner with my in-laws, so everyone could meet and explore together the town. Jen and Pam messaged me asking what they could do nearby, and when I reminded them of Friday’s plans, they said they’d rather “explore on their own” since it was their only free day.
I told them I was already sad they’d miss my bachelorette and that it would break my heart if they skipped Friday too, especially since they were my bridesmaids. They only said they’d “try” to see me, but never confirmed.
Friday came, and they never showed. What shocked me most was finding out they did almost the exact same things I had planned — just on their own, hours apart. On my wedding day, they didn’t even take care of the small tasks I had asked of them as bridesmaids.
Now they’re traveling across Europe together, and while I don’t resent them for enjoying their trip, I can’t help but feel hurt that they couldn’t find the time to be with me before the wedding. We don’t live close to each other, so moments like this are rare. WIBTA if I cut them out of my life for this?
I also want to clarify that the reason my husband and I decided to have the wedding in Tuscany was because he’s from there, and all of his family lives there. He adores his grandmother, and since my grandparents have already passed, it was a no-brainer for me to have the wedding there. We completely understood if people couldn’t make it because of the costs or lack of PTO.
What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:
Osidestarfish said:
Look, they were on this vacation because of your wedding. It sounds like they’ve already begun the cutoff process. You would just be finishing it. NTA.
Additional_Bus_9646 said:
This “destination wedding” stuff is a pain in the ass for most people. Seriously, people need to dial it back. Expecting people to pay thousands of dollars to be there for you and buy the dresses and to jump to your demands . . . Enough already. If you had kept it local, there would be none of this angst.
Unique-Ratio-4648 said:
The only thing you’re owed by your bridesmaids is for them to show up at the location at the designated time for hair or makeup or rehearsal, and for them to stand next to you and attend your reception.
Anything before or after the wedding that they want to do is their choice. Your wedding is ONE day. You don’t get to become a dictator in a wedding dress and tell them what they get to do on the days before or after your wedding.
Distinct_Disk_1610 said:
YTA. It's much cheaper to fly into and stay in Rome than Tuscany. If you wanted a cheaper bachelorette party you should have had something cheap at home like a camping trip, or girls night out not a big to do in Italy. Also, typically the maid of honor plans the bachelorette party but it sounds like you needed to control everything. I suspect there is more to the story here.
OP responded:
I planned the bachelorette party myself because all my bridesmaids are American, and my now-husband is from Tuscany. It was just easier for me to pick a place rather than have my bridesmaids try to figure everything out from another continent, especially since the most touristy spots tend to be the most expensive.
For Friday’s activities, I even chose free things to keep costs down a free hike, a free castle tour, and of course, a free dinner at my in-laws’ home.
DogsNSnow said:
Info: 1) where did everyone come from? It’s a destination wedding in Italy, but did the participants fly over from the US?
2) if you had gotten married wherever you live, would you have still picked these two friends to be your bridesmaids? Or were they selected more because they were the ones willing to travel to Italy?
Honestly, I would love to go to Italy. But it’s very far away from me and that means it’s very expensive and would take a lot of time. If I ever do go, it’ll be to do the things I want to do and when I want to do them. If a good friend happens to be getting married there at the same time? Sure I’d attend.
If they wanted me to, I’d even bite the bullet and do the bridesmaid thing for their wedding day, even if we weren’t terribly close. But my trip wouldn’t be about their wedding. I’m just wondering if your guests may have had a different idea for how the trip would go? Like, were they going to your wedding in Italy OR were they going to Italy and attending your wedding while they were there. I feel like there’s a difference.
OP responded:
About 60% of the guests were local it was destination for the rest of them, some from US, some from Mexico, some from Canada. Yes I consider them very close friends, that’s the reason I’m hurt they couldn’t make time to see me before the wedding.
nemc222 said:
YTA. They flew to Italy for your wedding. You trying to force other things on them and being angry they didn’t comply is a you problem. The forced meetup and tour with your in-laws was a lot.
A local night out bachelorette party could have been done home considering the money they dropped on your wedding. They found a way to make the best out of a big ask and you are complaining. I would love to hear their side.
And OP responded:
Even if the bachelorette party had been where I live, they still would’ve had to fly since they live across the country.