'AITA for ending a 35 year friendship because my friend is getting married before me?'
"AITA for ending a 35 year friendship because my friend is getting married before me?"
I (50F) am marrying my partner (47M) of over 10 years next year. We have been planning this wedding for about 2 years. (Second marriage for my fiancé and I) We will be having a destination wedding to our favorite place May 9th and then a few months later a reception at home. Our wedding is planned to be a very small affair with close friends and family.
Someone I have known most my life, I'll call her Becky (51F) asked to officiate our wedding, as this is something she does and loves doing. However, my best friend asked if she could and obtained all the legal documentation to do so.
About a year and a half ago, I told Becky that my best friend would be doing the officiating, she proceeded to cry, tell me how hurt she is, how much it matters to be invited and then said when she got married, she wanted me to officiate her wedding no matter what.
So, feeling like an A-hole, I caved and invited her. I did not plan to but I didn't want drama, ironically. The time between now and then, she has not RSVP, has not even opened the e-mail invite, yet continues to make comments about they will be there.
Fast forward to this fall. Becky gets engaged with her long time partner of 4 years Tommy (Age Unknown M). First marriage for Becky, second for Tommy. Becky has befriended a friend of mine Sarah (38F).
Becky informed Sarah of their wedding date, January 2026, at her favorite place, making it a destination wedding, and they will have a reception in town, in April, a few months later, like me.
She is also planning a bachelorette party the week after mine. She also asked Sarah to specifically not tell me these dates, maybe just to keep the destination wedding secret, but she is not sure. Clearly Sarah told me.
During all this, I still have not received an RSVP for anything. Mutual friends (mind you, our mutual friends are friends I have introduced her to) are stating how with my bachelorette party, wedding, and reception, they have had 2 years to plan and save for the wedding, parties, and wedding presents, but now this rushed wedding of Becky feels financially straining.
There is also questions about why is everything being rushed, and HAS to be done before my wedding date. This is not the first time Becky has tried to invite my friends to her events around big events I have planned.
I feel manipulated for one. Everything she cried about in 2024 to get an invite has not happened and it's been over a year. I feel my wedding ideas are being copied. I feel like she is competing with me for the attention, the big moment, and the attention of our mutual friends.
The ones I have talked to are telling me they feel the same and Becky is not my friend. I feel at 50, I shouldn't even have to have this conversation, and these actions are on purpose. I'm lost on why she is doing this, because planning a destination wedding, I do not have time to attend any of her events she's squeezing in for her events, and it's rude to even ask.
I am thinking about writing a text message after her wedding simply stating this is how I feel and I choosing to end the friendship and revoking her invites. I don't want to do it now because I don't want to cause problems for Sarah for telling me. AITA if I do that?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
She’s obviously not your friend. She’s weirdly focused on you and wants to disrupt your life. Block her.
Yeah I wouldn't even address any of it with her, just block her and go ghost. When she finally RSVP's tell her RSVP's are closed and you assumed she wasn't coming. Even when people bring news back to you about her wedding, just say "That's so interesting" and keep it moving. She doesn't just want attention, she wants you to feel a way about it, NTA.
I don’t think you are an AH, but you both seem to be obsessing over each other. Text her now, end the friendship, revoke the invite and be done. This seems a weird two way street of fixation.
I don't think you're the a-hole. I also don't think you should wait to cut her off. Do it now. You don't have to mention Sarah or that you know anything she has told her. Nobody needs a justification for ending a friendship. You have just grown apart. You're two different people now and your upcoming wedding has made you re-evaluate your friendships, and this one no longer works for you.
I personally don't think so at all. She is trying to outshine you for some reason and being your friend she should want to celebrate you so you can come celebrate her later.
I honestly had to re-read your ages - yours, Becky’s, your friends. Are you all seriously this immature at 50+?! And making a second wedding, after being together for 10 years, this much of a production and having this much drama over it?
She sounds emotionally and mentally exhausting. She’s definitely copying you and likely is rushing it because she wants to say “she copied me because I did it first.” NTA.
It's not rude to ask someone to attend a wedding event that happens prior to your own wedding. It's fine that you won't be able to attend, but the actual asking is IN NO WAY rude. That said, Becky isn't your friend.
At your big age, it's time for you to have the difficult conversation with her: "Becky, since you begged to be at and officiate my wedding, you have been completely unresponsive. As a result, I am rescinding your invitation. You are no longer welcome at our wedding and, frankly, in my life. Don't contact me again."
Then, let your mutuals know that you've rescinded the invite and ended the friendship, so that when she inevitably whines and cries to them, they're aware. Also, tell them that they aren't to tell her anything about your wedding and they'll be uninvited if they do.
If ever there was a perfect 'ghosting' situation this would be it. That is not your friend and truly wants to dominate you -- even the officiating is putting herself as a central character on YOUR day. Everything about her is waving 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩and gives off ick vibes. Repel that energy from your life! I hope you have a lovely wedding and don't think about her once. x