'AITA for ending my 36 year marriage over a photo on social media?' + UPDATE

"AITA for ending my 36 year marriage over a photograph?"

My (59f) and my husband(67m) had our share of problems like any other couple. We made a lovely home for 20 years. Once I started earning more than him, He became depressed. He stopped being intimate with me for over a year. He took out his depression on the kids and me. I stayed as long as I could hoping to fix our problems. I finally left when my children were copying his improper behavior.

My kids and I went into therapy, as did my husband, who previously never believed in it. We were amicably separated for 4 years in which time we both dated other people while co-parenting our children. We decided to start ‘dating’ exclusively after that 4 years period. And have been for do this for the last 12 years.

Each of us living in our own homes. During our separation, he dated a woman who he said he broke up with when we agreed to be exclusive.

On her social media she has always posted pictures of the two of them…FOR 12 YEARS!! I could never find proof that they weren’t old pictures and he promised the relationship with her was over.

He goes away in the summer frequently for a hobby of his. He usually sent me pictures and talks with me in the evenings while he was away… until this summer. He basically ignored me and if I reached out to him I would get one word replies. Again not really proof of anything.

A month ago he was on one of his trips and he bought a baseball cap of the city he was in. Not a cap that would be sold where we live. Then I saw pictures of her and him together in that city with him wearing his new cap. The picture was posted on her social media while he was still in that city.

I sent him the picture proof and told him we are through. He says the pictures are faked. That he spoke with her and sent her pictures of his trip. So why is he talking to her and sending her pictures when he knows she has been social media torturing us for years? I know you can change the background on pictures, but I doubt you can change the reflection on the sunglasses of the hat he is wearing.

So AITA for dumping him over a photograph?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

eaw1988 said:

The fact that he told you the pictures were “faked” is like the lie of a child with their hand caught in the cookie jar. Your instincts are spot on.

scarybottom said:

Can't believe she sort of knew, for TWELVE YEARS. My good lady- you do not need a validated factual investigation to prove why you want to break it off with someone. You got that- but you did NOT have to wait for it. If you do not feel emotionally safe with this person, because you are sure they are cheating, or whatever- it's ok to walk away.

Your kids are grown I assume, given the ages and the 12 +4+ 20 yr relationship? You don't need to worry if his story is true (it is not). You don't feel emotionally secure in the attachment. If you want to walk- that is sufficient at this stage- you did give this dude 36 yrs of chance. Not like you are being impulsive here.

Lanky_Letter7130 said:

He clearly cheated for years. Walk away and don't look back.

Skittles-101 said:

I would. It's kinda hard to claim faking photos when in Cannon Beach, haystack rock is wayyyy or iconic of a destination to try to fake a photo.

SolAten said:

How were all the photos old? Did he not age in 12 years? NTA

OP responded:

He actually did not age in the photos and there was a limited number of photos that she would reuse. She knows about me, we have met at my husband’s house.

I now believe he is gaslighting her also, to either not take new pictures or not post them. They can have each other. Our finances are separate. I am just walking away.

In the comments, OP shared this update:

Sorry, I don’t know how to add an update. Yes, she knows about me. And for 12 years her posts were old pictures of him…he never aged until this picture. So I believed it was sour grapes on her part. She actually came to his house once when I was there and he screamed at her and kicked her out.

I now believe he somehow gaslighted her not to posting recent pictures or wasn’t allowing her to take new ones. And yes I was a fool for wanting to trust him. So I was blinded to the red flags. Thank you to everyone who replied. I will get tested. Our finances are already separate.