"AITA for ending a relationship over long showers?"
I don't think I'm the AH, but my aunt and mom got in my head over the holidays and now I am questioning myself. Until early November I (28F) was in a long-term relationship with "Kevin" (30M).
We were together for about 18 months. He was planning to move in with me at the end of November when his lease was up. I own my own place, whereas he had a roommate who was recently engaged. Seemed like good timing all round.
Kevin was generally a good guy. Funny, charming, easy going. I thought I was in love. But a few weeks before he was supposed to move in, he made a weird off hand comment about my evening shower habits.
Now look, I know some people will find this crazy but it's not as crazy as it seems. I have a glorious steam shower with a comfy bench. I take long ass steams before bed.
Usually 15 minutes to steam, 5 to 10 minutes (with the water on and off) to shower and wash my hair, and another 5 or so for skin care. I'm not hogging the only bathroom or the hot water. And I only do it after everything else is done for the day (work, chores, intimacy).
Anyway, the comment was that I would have to knock off things like that when I was living with him. Which, why? He said I was wasting time and needed to be more "present" when I lived with "a man." Wtf? It's 30-40 minutes. I can't have 30-40 minutes to myself?
This lead to a longer argument about the various things about myself and life I would need to change before he would move in. Like I was doing him a favor letting him live with me rent free.
Many things themselves weren't terrible: put my various skin care things away rather than leaving them on the shelf (fair), don't leave so many shoes in the mudroom (they're on a rack but whatever), stop the composting service (he wants to do it). But a few were non-starters: don't have my brother (17) and his friends over "unsupervised" (by him!) and don't volunteer at a local shelter that houses men.
It was wild. He had never shown any indication of being controlling before so I tried to talk to him about what he was thinking. He just said that moving in meant that "I was his and needed to act like it" (paraphrasing).
I said, then we weren't moving in together as I am not anyone's (less articulate than that) and asked him to leave. We had another conversation a day or so later, but neither of us budged so we mutually broke it off.
I was sad, but not devastated. Mostly completely confused and questioning my ability to see any red flags. There had to be some right?? I thought I made the right choice. My friends think I made the right choice. My baby brother also thinks I made the right choice (he may be influenced by my 3d printer).
But my mom and aunt think I made a huge mistake. It's been a solid two weeks of you're going to die alone! You're selfish! You have to compromise in relationships! You can't expect him to put up with your single girl schedules and habits! He was such a catch! I feel like my head is going to explode.
I thought my mom would at least care that he was cutting off free brother sitting when they travel, but no, she thinks my ex was right that my brother and his friends shouldn't be in the house alone with a single woman at their age (I baby sat most of them when they were younger for Christ sakes!!).
Am I really unreasonable here? I'm driving myself nuts.
We are not getting back together. But was I an AH?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Aren't you lucky he showed his true colours before he moved in?
OP, you’re going to die alone with… your steam shower in your own house with social life and good skin? Sign up literally every woman in here complaining about her terrible relationship for that hell!!! NTA.
You're clearly asking the wrong question since you didn't break up *because of* the long showers. The long showers simply exposed problems that you either ignore or weren't aware of.
Your mom and aunt freaking suck. This is what you call internalized misogyny. NTA.
Totally agree. OP, did you suspect anything off about Kevin in those 18 months?
Throwaway_External (OP)
I swear I didn't at the time. In retrospect, he did roll his eyes at some of my hobbies/activities but I thought at the time is was good natured. Like how how I make fun of my best friend's shoe hoarding.
I love that for her but also will rib her about it. Apparently, his wasn't good natured. My dad hated him which I should talk to him about to see if he saw something I ignored.
Be glad that he showed you who he was. Lucky escape. Your mom and aunt are wrong.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
A bunch asked me why my dad didn't like the ex and what red flags he saw. I asked and here's what he said. Fair warning my dad is great, but he has OPINIONS. I don't agree these are all red flags but I'm sure redditors will school me on it.
Didn't take a job my dad offered. Ex lost his business about six months ago which left him with a mountain of debt and my dad offered him a job in his warehouse to cover expenses while he was looking.
Ex had a job within 6 weeks, so he wasn't unemployed for long and I personally think it's fine to take a beat when something big happens in life. But my dad is of the "you can rest when your bills are paid and chores are done" school.
Would sit on the porch on his phone when I was struggling on a hobby project. Again, I don't think this one is fair. Yeah sometimes its nice to have someone give you a hand with stuff, but they weren't his projects.
Didn't carry in groceries. Now this one I kind of agree with. In retrospect it was pretty weird that I was lugging the groceries in by myself in 2 or 3 trips. I don't know if my brain ever would have noticed it as a red flag though.
There were other little things around home maintenance (waited for my brother to shovel the drive, didn't mow, put a whole box in the recycling without breaking it down) and car maintenance (didn't put up my wipers before a storm or pump my gas), but it wasn't his house or his car so I feel like those go in the nice to have but not fair to criticize bucket.
Sure my dad would do those things for a neighbor much less a romantic partner, but that's him. Anyway those were the things that my dad pointed to. A also have some clarifying points from the last post.
First, steam showers don't use a ton of water. It's like 2 gallons for the steam for the whole 40 minutes. That's basically 90 seconds of shower for most people. And because it's toasty in there you only turn on the shower head when you need it to rinse or shave.
Second, my mom isn't a boomer. She's 46. She wasn't always like this, but she and my aunt have gone down some rabbit hole the last few years. Third, my brother and his friends (not all boys btw) will always be welcome in my home. Period. If that means I live alone, fine.
Finally, do not worry! There is and was no chance I would take him back. He creeped me right out in our last few conversations. I might worry about whether I handled things wrong and should approach things differently next time, but I'm not staying with someone who feels me taking 40 minutes for myself (absent kids or extenuating circumstances) after a long day at work is a bad thing.
If that makes me an AH, fine. I'll accept the label.
Thank you for making me feel less crazy yesterday.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
I wish some people would learn and accept that “dying alone” is far more preferable than living a miserable life in which you are lonely, perhaps resentful, and becoming a shell of yourself.
I’m a therapist, and I’m gonna need you to come give a Ted talk to my clients.
if this has been some stealth marketing for the concept of steam showers: 1. i forgive it. 2. it's working, tbh.
I am with OP when she says that her partner doesn't have to be involved in her hobbies.
But I'm with the dad that everyone should be carrying groceries inside.
“Second, my mom isn’t a boomer. She’s 46.”
My jaw dropped so hard! I’m the same age as OP’s mother and I would never say that to my daughter (or nieces)! Her mother is an embarrassment to my generation.
So, what do you think of this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?