'AITA for ending a long-term relationship after being left out of a work event?' UPDATED
"AITA for ending a long-term relationship after being left out of a work event?"
I (26F) was with my boyfriend (28M) for four years. We built a life together, met each other’s families, we even worked on moving in together once my lease was up and talked seriously about the future.
Lately, though, things hadn’t been great. The relationship had been rocky for a while communication was off, there was distance, and I often felt like I was doing most of the emotional work.
Even so, I stayed and tried to fix it because four years felt like something worth fighting for. He told me he had a work dinner and said it was employees only. I didn’t question it since usually these company functions encourage bringing partners. I’ve been trying to keep the peace lately instead of creating more tension between us.
The next day, I saw a post on Instagram from a coworker of his. Like I said his company is very family-oriented and usually encourages partners to attend events like this. Her post mentioned that partners were welcome, and he was in multiple photos sitting right next to her, looking very comfortable together.
What made it worse was that people in his office openly call her his “work wife.” I had heard him mention that before, and it had always bothered me, but he brushed it off as a harmless office joke.
Seeing her post him like that, knowing people already frame them that way, made me feel sick. That’s when it clicked that he hadn’t been honest with me. When I asked him about it, he said he didn’t think it was a big deal and that he didn’t want things to be “awkward” because we aren’t married.
After four years together, that explanation felt like a punch in the gut. It made me feel like I wasn’t someone he wanted to openly claim in his life. I also asked why he spent the night sitting with her and why she was comfortable enough to post him online, especially with the “work wife” dynamic.
He got defensive and said I was overreacting and that she’s just a coworker. But at this point it wasn’t just about the party. It felt like the final straw in a long line of moments where I felt pushed to the side.
I just shut down and told him I was done, I was going to spend the night at his place but I just packed my stuff and left. It’s been a few days and some of his friends have texted me saying I’m blowing things out of proportion for ending things over this which I’ve ignored and he keeps on calling, leaving voicemails and texts saying he’s really sorry and wants to talk.
I don’t know anymore.
Like, we spent so much time together and maybe it was actually a lapse in judgment and I was being rash. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
He had a date to the party. It wasn’t you. Time to move on. NTA.
My boyfriend (now husband) brought me to a work dinner after only 1 month of dating. It’s not weird at all to bring a significant other if you aren’t married yet. He either doesn’t want other people in his life to know you, or he wanted to spend time with someone else at that dinner. Move on!
This train of thought is exactly where I'm at right now.
NTA. Who knows if this is the first time he's done this or just the first time he got caught. There is no good-intentioned reason why you were not invited. He simply wanted to go without you. Why is he blabbing to his friends and why are they harassing you? Because HE IS A LIAR WHO GOT CAUGHT. Now he'll play lovey-dovey to get you back and then he'll do it again.
Do not give any more of your precious time and energy to a man who does not respect you, lies to you, and is not pulling his weight in the relationship. He also, apparently, has no compunction about bad-mouthing you to his friends.
This guy is a selfish rat. Get him out of your life ASAP. You deserve a man who adores you. Don't settle for this jerk. PLEASE NOTE that none of this is a reflection on you. The slimy behavior is 100% your ex's lack of character and his burden to bear.
Two days later, the OP returned with an update.
Well… everyone in the comments was right. I honestly wanted to believe it was just a stupid lapse in judgment, or that I’d made a rash decision after months of feeling unloved. But no there really was something going on with the coworker.
Two days after my original post, we had to set up logistics for picking up the rest of my stuff from his apartment. He was still begging nonstop calls, long voicemails, paragraphs about how he “never meant to hurt me” and “nothing was going on.”
My best friend came with me when I grabbed the last of my things, and even then he was still trying to convince me to talk, to hear him out, to give him another chance. He looked panicked, which honestly made me second-guess myself for half a second.
But fast-forward to now just a few days later and guess who posted what on Instagram? The coworker. The “work wife.” The one he swore was “just a coworker.” She made a whole soft-launch style post about how “it’s so lovely being partners in and out of the office.”
Full photos. Them together. Smiling. Comfortable. Very, very not “new.”
So yeah. It wasn’t in my head. It wasn’t an overreaction. And it definitely wasn’t “just work.” I’m hurt, but I’m also… weirdly relieved? Everything makes sense now the distance, the defensiveness, the lies over something as dumb as a company dinner.
I didn’t blow up a good relationship. I walked away from a man who already checked out and didn’t have the respect or backbone to admit it. Blocking him was the easiest thing I’ve done in months. Thanks to everyone who told me I wasn’t crazy. You were right. And honestly? I’m glad I trusted myself.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Honestly you’re so much better off finding someone who values you now. Such a pos guy honestly. Glad to know you’re dealing as well as you can with a situation like this.
I'm all for taking things slow. But if it's been 4 years and you don't want your coworkers to meet your partner, they aren't your partner.
I may be petty but I always want someone to post just once when the 'work wife' reveals the relationship after the breakup to just do a simple response of no words and it being one of the voicemails of him begging to keep the relationship and that the work wife meant nothing to him. Just sew that little seed in there.
People who very clearly are halfway out of a relationship and just dragging the partner they don't even care about along vex me. My dude (gender neutral), you will both be happier if you just fess up and end things. As it is, the spurned partner has to deal with an insane amount of disrespect.