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'AITA for ending my marriage?' 'She only stayed long enough to do a small career change.'

'AITA for ending my marriage?' 'She only stayed long enough to do a small career change.'

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"AITA for ending my marriage after finding out my wife was planning to leave me but only after she stayed long enough to do a small career change?"

Last year my soon to be ex-wife (32f) told me she wanted to go from being an L&D nurse to a specialist cancer nurse. She was returning to college, cutting back her hours at work and aiming to be finished in two years. I was supportive although a little surprised.

She had always seemed happy with her career and our life with our two kids. But I know some people can spontaneously get the urge for something more or different so it wasn't a big deal. It did put some strain on me. Because she was so busy I had to take on a lot more so she could do less. Previously it had been 50-50 and it went to about 80-20 after she returned to education.

About four months after she started back at college, I overheard her and her best friend talking. I wasn't due home for an hour but had been able to leave early and had the kids with me. My ex's friend was asking her how she could manage to stay married and keep up the pretense. My ex said if she left me she would never be able to make the career move.

She wouldn't have the time to be a single parent and work and train for her specialty. And that I was able to support her through it as long as I didn't know she wanted out of our marriage and would leave as soon as she secured the new job.

Her friend said it would all blow up in her face when I realized and she said she didn't care. And that she f'd herself over by working even when we had the kids. Otherwise she could have left and made me support them until she got a job.

I waited until her friend was gone and the kids were in bed and I told her the marriage was over and I was not going to be used until she got what she wanted. She told me I heard it wrong and I was overreacting.

She was ready for an argument but I told her not where the kids could hear and we waited until the kids were out of the house and we had it out with each other. She told me I was selfish and shouldn't punish her for changing her mind about us. She said if I was a good man. I'd encourage her to leave her job and offer to support her until she was ready to leave.

In the end I filed for divorce and I moved out of the home. I wanted to fight for the home since I'd lived there before we were together. But her name was on the deed and I didn't want my kids to live in a conflict ridden home. They were already going through a lot and this divorce has been difficult for them.

Their mom hates me, their grandparents, and aunts and uncles hate me, they're not allowed to talk about me around them. And I have tried to hide how sad I am around them but I fear they've picked up on it. My ex is fighting the divorce and her family are telling me I'm selfish and I should understand that a woman has the right to ensure her stability before ending a marriage.

But she'd be stable without college. Her job was secure and before this she worked enough hours to support herself and the kids alone if she had to. She simply doesn't want to continue in that job. I don't feel like I owe her that support. But maybe I'm wrong about that and like she and her family say, maybe I'm TA.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Usual-Canary-7764 said:

She has a right to leave a marriage whenever she deems fit and for whatever reasons she has. But so do you. I find it interesting that their problem is not trying to fix the marriage but to make you her doormat now for her comfortable future...not yours...hers. NTA.

Miami_Lawyered said:

NTA. You do not have to stay in a relationship to be used. I would have advised you to not leave the home if I was your lawyer and never put a spouse on a premarital asset.

LilDragon2991 said:

NTA, make sure to take notes of everything said and done, with dates.

Proud_Way7663 said:

NTA, like you said she was using you and you found out. That’s the risk she took. No one should expect you to just sit around and wait while she sets up the perfect life for herself.

I think the fact that she’s shit-talking you to all your extended family and dragging the kids through it tells you everything you need to know about what kind of person she is. It’s going to suck for a while so the divorce can pan out, but it will get better. Put your kids first and they’ll thank you for it when they are old enough to understand.

ThrowRA_Last_Empath said:

NTA. She’s been extremely manipulative. Gas lighting you and saying you heard wrong and are over reacting for starters. Than turning people against you. But the most sick part of it is that she’s got her own children afraid to talk about their own father in front of people.

That is sad and something I experienced as a teenager however, I was able to call my parents out on it and it stopped as they saw how it impacted me. She’s not even trying to repair the marriage., she is openly saying you should let her use you as a stepping stone to a better career before she then leaves you anyway. Disgusting.

EnchantedMoonlitCha said:

NTA. It sounds like your wife wasn’t being upfront with you about her intentions, and that’s a huge issue. She stayed in the marriage long enough to get what she needed for her career change, but didn’t communicate that she was planning to leave afterward.

It’s understandable why you’d feel betrayed and want out of the marriage. You shouldn’t have to be financially or emotionally responsible for her career change, especially when she wasn’t being honest about her plans. You did what was best for you, even though it’s tough with the kids involved.

Jokester_316 said:

NTA. She has chosen that she no longer wants to be in a marriage with you. She's not fighting to save the marriage. She just wants you to support her while furthering her education. Knowing the truth, you've made the decision to end the marriage on your timeline. Not hers.

Divorce sucks. Remember, you have to co-parent with her for your children. She can delay the divorce, but eventually, it will be granted. The fact that you've already moved out has already changed her plans. She wasn't worried about how the divorce would affect you.

Don't concern yourself with how this divorce ends up affecting her. Of course, all of her friends and family expect you to emotionally and financially support her. Until she discards you like trash. Block them all out. Lean on YOUR friends and family for support.

Sources: Reddit
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