'AITA for ending my relationship with my autistic sister?' UPDATED

"AITA for ending my relationship with my autistic sister?"

I have a sister a few years younger than me who is autistic. She was only diagnosed last year after she got fired from her job (she kept saying rude things to her coworkers/clients) and went to see a counselor who recommended testing. We were somewhat close as kids, but have drifted apart as adults. We both moved out of state (I moved back 2 years ago to take care of our mother. Our father is passed).

We have our own busy lives. We have kept in touch via social media. I kept the relationship going since she never reaches out. She says it's just part of how her brain works and I need to just accept that and not hold it against her. If the relationship is important to me, then I need to take the initiative and keep it going, but don't contact her too often because it 'exhausts her having to respond.'

Once a month was the original rule. Now it's once every 3 months, because once a month was 'too taxing' on her. Everything about our relationship revolves around how she feels and what makes her comfortable. The older she gets, the more self-absorbed she becomes. Her entire life seems to revolve around what makes her feel most relaxed.

So here's the straw that broke the camels back for me. Our mother died last month. I asked my sister to visit when it was clear that we were reaching the end and she did, but made the entire experience about her. She couldn't visit our dying mother too long because she couldn't stand the smells in her room.

She wanted me to change things in my house to make her feel more comfortable (like buy new towels because the old ones had a texture she didn't like). She didn't stay for the funeral because she was 'completely burned out' from being away from home for a week.

I decided to cut her off after that. I'm done. She doesn't seem to care about our relationship, and with Mom gone, there's nothing left holding us together. She called for my birthday earlier this week and I told her not to bother anymore. She seemed surprised but agreed easily and hung up.

I haven't heard from her since. My brother-in-law has texted me, encouraging me to keep fighting for the relationship and says that my sister is sad that I've cut her off. My husband agrees that there is nothing beneficial to me about our relationship and thinks it's best to focus on grieving my mother and supporting our daughters. So, AITA for giving up on my autistic sister?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

CockamouseGoesWee said:

NTA I have autism and it's not an excuse to be callous. I think the general misunderstanding is that we are unempathetic, when in reality if you come across someone like Dr. House, they're just an AH.

I don't typically cry when upset, but when my brother died it hurt like hell and everyone could see that. I tore tissues as is my nervous habit and shut down for a long time. But at the same time I knew I couldn't entirely because my little bro needed me.

Autistics still have the capacity to prioritize others and in some ways we are better at doing that. People who use their neurodivergence as an excuse to be jerks are just selfish. She clearly doesn't care about you, her mother, or anyone but herself.

Extension_Visit_1379 said:

NTA, autism doesn't make someone an asshole. Your sister is using it as an excuse not to take responsibility for her assholery. Cut the string and enjoy the peace and quiet. Enjoy your escape from the joy vampire. She didn't even try to fight for the relationship, why should you? She's just using the situation to steal more attention and i feel sorry for her husband that has to deal with her on a daily basis.

melodymaybe said:

NTA, I'm autistic too and your sister is acting like a butthead imo. I am also picky about towel texture, so I travel with a towel. Smells in mom's room are rough? Pop to the store and get essential oils for under your nose.

The fact is that even though we experience the sensory world differently to neurotypicals, EVERYONE occasionally has to endure sensory discomfort/pain for a loved one. Your mother was dying, it needed to be about your mother. If she needed supports to handle that it was up to her to bring them with her/arrange for them.

shammy_dammy said:

NTA. If you do not want her in your life, then that's the end of that. And her spouse? needs to stay out of it.

Gullible-Ad-1843 said:

NTA. She doesn't seem to care about you. Is this the same way she treats your BIL? How is maintaining a relationship with her husband not burning her out but maintaining with you burns her out?

And OP responded:

He basically caters to her every whim, from what I can tell. She spends a lot of time in her room and they can go days barely interacting. I have never understood what he gets out of the marriage. He usually is totally hands off with me and my family, too. I was really surprised he texted me. He didn't come when my mother was dying, but he planned to come out for the funeral. He didn't since she went home.

She later shared this update:

Thank you all so much for your replies. It really helped me start examining some dynamics in my relationships with my birth family that I've been struggling to acknowledge. I'm realizing that I was taught to be codependent and to prioritize keeping the peace with my sister over respecting and protecting my own boundaries.

My family didn't communicate honestly and openly. They appeased my sister, swept things under the rug that should have been addressed, they denied, pretended, excused... and it was my job to be the responsible one who made everything work out. My sister was always allowed to get away with behavior that was unacceptable, and she never learned a lot about interpersonal skills.

That's really not her fault and it's even harder because it's not something that comes naturally. I hold huge resentment towards her, which may not be totally fair, but certainly needs acknowledged and healed. I am currently starting therapy and hope I can resolve some of these issues. I'm going to ask my therapist to help me word a letter that tells her that:

1.) I'm sorry I hurt her

2.) her behavior has hurt me, even if it wasn't intentional

3.) I need some time and space to get myself healthy and stable before we work on our relationship together

4.) If we are to have a relationship going forward, it must change to be beneficial for both of us

5.) I hope that when the time is right, she can try to meet me halfway

6.) That no matter what, no matter how angry or hurt or resentful or burned out I am, she is still my sister and I'll always love her. Even if things don't work out and we don't end up continuing to have a relationship, I will still love her.

Thank you all again for your insights and kindness!