'AITA for enforcing boundaries on my adult brother and mother that live with me?'
"AITA for enforcing boundaries on my adult brother and mother that live with me?"
I (23F) have a brother (18M) and my mother who have been living with me for two years. My brother recently dropped out of HS didn’t get a GED. After he decided that he would not finish school I set a deadline of him finding a job within a month. Another month passed and I informed mom of me limiting the privileges I give him which is the internet.
A bad day came when I asked if he could take my dog outside in the morning and he did not do it until very late so my dog peed all over the floor and dragged it on the new carpet he did not let me know because he wanted to keep playing games so it soaked into the everywhere.
This infuriated me and I let him know that everything costs money and I am sick of him not being considerate of the things that are around him.
I informed him that I would be removing his internet and I did. When my spouse was back we discussed a solid plan to get him to start doing better and set him up for success which was that if he got a GED I would give him back the internet for 3-4 hours a day and once he got a job all privileges would be returned to him.
When my mom was informed of this she immediately got mad at me and threatened that they would move out. Another month passed and I just thought maybe he is studying or at least applying for a job but he was doing none. I started to get a bit more frustrated at this time because I see no progress and stated to blame me for his depression because he has no internet.
Today he decided to come to me after being rude to me all week and refusing to do any chores I give him, to ask if he could be on the internet to get some limited edition stuff on one of his games. I told him he couldn’t because he has had a lot of time to get at least a GED to have some internet and that consequences are consequences so he would have to miss out.
He began walking away calling me b#$ch. Once my mom got home I told her what had happened so she could at least tell him to respect me and she said that I was in the wrong that it was just a bit of time he would be on the internet and proceeded to tell me to return it to him to which I informed her that consequences are consequences and he had full control of gaining internet access once he did the right thing.
My mom exploded once I told her that and once again started to threaten me saying she has no say in anything that happens in the house or even control over her kid. She said she would just find a place to live and that I was very hard on him and my consequences are just like N#$is.
My mother said that she is just trying to protect her boy from me and once she said this I was upset and told her I am not a N@#i for enforcing boundaries to him trying to financially and emotionally take advantage of me. I told her to do whatever she wanted to do and that if she thinks leaving is best she should do it.
The internet strangers had lots to say about the situation.
favgirl3 wrote:
They live with you or you live with them? What is the bill structure? Your mom seems to think she has the final say here. As presented, you have the final word. Kick them both out. Your brother has something wrong and your mother is it.
OP responded:
They live with me and my husband and I care for all expenses including fun money at times for them.
angryomlette wrote:
NTA. First throw out your mother, then if your brother doesn't change throw him out too. Reason, you got an enabling mother who is the source of failure for both you and your brother.
You because, she is overruling your boundaries and then blaming you for her mistakes, your brother because she is making him to be a burden. If family is family and you help out each other, then it also falls on family not be a burden to each others, at least consciously.
CrazyOldBag wrote:
So why are you allowing them to live with you when they disrespect you and are unwilling to follow your rules? You really need to respect yourself; if you don’t, they most assuredly won’t.
aardvarkmom wrote:
Not sure where you live, but there are ways to get around not having home wifi. So he may have it anyway. For example, at public libraries, you can check out mobile hot spots. I know this because I thought I was taking the Internet away from my teenage child, but my friend, I was not. Tell your mom not to threaten you with a good time. They can move. Bye! NTA.
MrsTickleMeElmo wrote:
If you lived with your mom as an adult and didn’t follow her rules, do you think she would just roll over and take it? Definitely not. Let them leave and enjoy your peace. They are team playing taking advantage of you. I understand depression is real and I’m not overlooking that.
However that doesn’t entitle anyone to take advantage of you or be disrespectful. That includes your mother. She wouldn’t have had to volunteer to leave, I would’ve told her they had no other choice. NTA. You’ve been too kind.
NinjaHidingInTheOpen wrote:
NTA. It is time for your mother to move out with your brother so she can parent the child she's responsible for. Let her know the deadline and help her look for places. Let her know there are consequences for adults who are rude to the people who are providing them with food, shelter and paying their bills.
adventuresofviolet wrote:
Please do research on boundaries because what you have here are not boundaries but rules. Boundaries are something you set for yourself not for others. Moving on, you're NTA for setting rules in your home.