'Friend threw engagement news in face after sharing devastating family health news. AITA?'
"Friend threw engagement news in face after sharing devastating family health news. AITA?"
I, f(36) got engaged to my fiancé m(35) in December during a holiday getaway. While I knew it was coming, I didn't know the exact when or where, so I hadn't talked to anyone about it except for my best friend at work.
The day we got engaged, he'd asked a few hours later if he could share the news with a few friends via direct messages, after we had told the parents, but keeping it off of socials until we were ready to share with the world.
I in turn, messaged a few of my girlfriends with a picture and a "I have some news!" message. This included one of my childhood best friends, let's call her Amy. Amy and I have know each other since we were 3 y/o and were pretty close in high school and during our breaks in college.
After college, my mom got sick while I was living at home with her and Amy was a constant fixture in supporting me and being there, while I in turn was there for here while she was dating a much older married(!!) man and experiencing a very toxic situation.
As a result of that, Amy left the relationship but it changed her. It made her unable, and mostly unwilling, to move on with her life and start fresh. She ended up living with her parents and was asked by them to hide their divorce proceedings from all her friends. She was also harassed by the older man's new gf, as they all worked at the same high school.
It wasn't great and made Amy closed off and unwilling to share her life with me or any of her friends. The years went on and Amy and I floated in and out of being closer and more distant, mostly because she wasn't willing to open up and share what was going on with her so I couldn't support her as a friend.
Some years later I ended up moving an hour south of where she and my parents live and would commute back and forth on the bus to see all of them (I don't have a car, I live in a city where that doesn't make sense).
Not once did Amy ever come down to see me...I've now lived there for 7 years, she has a car, and often comes to my city for work. I've been with my now fiancé for almost 4 years before we got engaged.
I always have to come to her, make the effort to borrow my parent's or fiancé's car...I mean she's never even met my guy! But still, I texted her on the day because I was happy and I still care about our friendship.
Her response to "I have some news!"..."I guess you do". No 'congratulations', nothing else. So whatever, it was the day of my engagement and I was busy...I didn't think to text her back. And I didn't notice that weeks later when we posted it on socials, she again didn't say anything.
Six weeks later, I went dress shopping with my mom, MOH, and two friends who live in the city we traveled to in order to get the dress. I posted a pic on my stories and thought nothing of it.
A few weeks go by and Amy messaged me to tell me one of our high school classmates we both knew well unfortunately passed away. During that conversation, I decided to tell Amy something I hadn't shared with anyone yet...that my mom was sick again, this time it wasn't curable--I didn't know if we'd have months or years with her based on her diagnosis and conversations with the doctors.
Her response back to me was... "Well I guess I won’t give you a hard time then for never telling me anything else about your engagement and then just out buying dresses".
I was CRUSHED! And furious! I just told you something so vulnerable and you throw my engagement and my choice to shop--what, without you!?--in my face? I called her out for not even saying congrats and also sending her a card in the mail about our engagement (supposidly she never got it).
She told me she 'literally could not deal with one of our BS fights right now and asked if saying 'congrats' was the only acceptable reply to my engagement news. She told me I should have CALLED HER with news that big. And it was absolutely unfair of me to determine if she excited or not over a text.
She continued on to tell me that last we had spoke of my relationship, she want even sure we'd be staying together as living together had proven to be a challenge. She is right that moving in together into our tiny 1 bedroom, 600 square foot apartment was hard on both of us, but it was also over 1.5 years before we got engaged...and when isn't moving in with your significant other hard at first?
She'd not ever asked about our relationship since that time, so I stopped volunteering her information. She continued to gaslight me and tell me that her life was spiraling and it's not her fault she doesn't know what's going on with me. And that I had no idea how many times she started a message to me but just couldn't because she didn't want to burden me with her complaining and hardships.
I can respect that life is hard for people...but I was also dealing with an engagement and planning a wedding, my mom's health news, and (oh, fun add!) I had just lost my job a week prior to this conversation.
None of those things give me or her a right to be cruel to someone they care about. I was also pissed because she didn't even acknowledge what I said about my mom--someone she knows and supposedly loves.
She asked how far she wanted my "retaliatory behavior" to hurt her and did she know how mean I was being in telling her she couldn't expect me to be cool with her "not giving me shytt" comment and telling her that her words were unbelievably not okay.
I reminded her that she has no right to comment on how my fiancé and I handle anything related to our wedding, or any event related to it, including with who and when we chose to shop for anything. Period.
I didn't ever assume she thought she's be a bridesmaid in this wedding but maybe that is where some of this nasty behavior was coming from. But again, she's never even met my fiancé so in no world would that make sense to have her stand up there with us.
I would like to end with, why couldn't she call me if she had questions or was curious about any of this? Why is that on me to manage our friendship from one side? So I put it out there, am I the a**hole here?
Part of me doesn't even want to continue the friendship or invite her to the wedding. I've given her so many chances and over the years and this just broke me. I don't want to let this friendship go, but I just don't know anymore.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
I will be honest. Cba to read it all far too long. Amy sounds toxic. Delete her number. You have moved on. Enjoy your new peaceful life with your fiance. Updateme!
NTA it looks like this friendship has run its course. You've clearly made an effort and all she wants to do is create drama. I know its hard when you have so many memories and years together.
Maybe just go LC for now and wait for her to come around (if she ever does). But it seems like right now, contact with her is just going to leave you frustrated and you have enough going on. I'm so sorry about your mom and I hope everything works out ok on the job front. 🙏
NTA she is gaslighting you. It doesn’t sound like she has been a friend in a very long time.
She hasn't been your friend in years. Drop the rope. Grey rock, give her no information, don't reach out to her. If she wants to be your friend, she'll put in the effort, but I don't see that happening. Sometimes, people just grow apart. In the meantime, I'm sorry about your mom and your job. But congratulations on the engagement!
NTA, Amy can go kick rocks. She’s a negative Nancy who seems to have remained bitter from her own life choices. Misery loves company, avoid and block. Congratulations on your engagement and all the best for your mum. I hope she’ll be able to see you shine on your big day. 🫂