Bride tells father, 'you left me, so I left you off the list;' family judges her. AITA?
"AITA for digging in my heels and refusing to invite my estranged father and his wife to my wedding?"
Witty-Butterfly4195
I'm (30f) getting married this year and the wedding is going to be smaller so those we want to invite know when the wedding will take place and are confirmed to be free. Invites will go out in the summer. But unofficially the people who will be invited have been invited.
This was because it was important to us to have those closest to us present and we didn't want a hugely expensive wedding. This has become a problem because I did invite my grandmother (paternal) and she has a relationship with my estranged father while I do not.
Background is needed here. When my brother and I were 4 we lost our mom. Our mom's twin sister helped our dad out a lot after mom died. We actually lived with her for 7 or 8 months while our dad was spiraling and losing control of himself.
She was there for our first day of school, she fed us and clothed us and protected us a lot during the period we lived with her and once dad pulled himself together and took us back, she was still the person taking care of us after school and on Saturdays or Sundays when our dad would work.
She was essential to us. She and mom were orphans so it was just her for the maternal side and dad's side were not close by and did not play much of a role in those earlier childhood memories. But our aunt did.
Then my dad got engaged and life changed fast. My dad's wife did not want our aunt around anymore. She wanted to become the mom and she did not feel like my aunt would make that easy on her.
So my dad and his wife (fiancée at the time) moved us out of state and we moved around a lot so my aunt could not get any visitation rights to us. We did not get to see or speak to her at all after that. I know she fought for us.
She did track us down a couple of times and we moved again. We missed her like crazy and over the decade that followed dad tried to erase all traces of our aunt and mom and attempted to create a little nuclear family with the four of us.
But we hated him and we hated her and when we were teenagers we tracked down our aunt and at 18, we moved out of our dad's house and ended all contact with them. My grandmother was aware of all this and when we were kids she was understanding and did attempt to advocate for us to see our aunt.
But once my dad found out I was getting married, through a person who actually isn't invited to the wedding but knew I was engaged, he was talking to my grandmother and he told her how badly he and his wife want to come and how sad they are that they have been removed so completely from our lives.
Now my grandmother is saying they should be invited, or at least my father, because he's still my father. I told her it would not happen and refused to compromise with just him. So she's unhappy and she said I am taking things too far and doing what they did, only I know how harmful it can be long term. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Stranger0nReddit
NTA. Sorry, but Grandma doesn't get a say. She didn't experience having an important, consistent, loving person ripped from her life as a child just because her dad and his new wife were jealous. She doesn't know how it feels to have a family forced on you and your only family tie to your deceased mom taken away.
Nope. Her little bit of unhappiness that your father is not invited to the wedding is NOTHING compared to the unhappiness he caused. And oh, your father is sad he and his wife are not invited? Too bad. They made that happen for themselves.
The OP responded here:
Witty-Butterfly4195
I find it almost funny, and not the good kind of funny, that he's sad for his wife but wasn't sad for his children who were ripped away from their primary caregiver of three years and the last connection to their deceased mom.
Successful_Bath1200
NTA. This man let you down, big time. H refused to let you have a relationship with your Aunt. Constantly moving you to avoid your Aunt was cruel. He has no right to be a part of your life or your wedding.
The OP again responded:
Witty-Butterfly4195
Yes, and they will say yes, it was cruel to aunt but the best for "our family". But it wasn't just cruel to our aunt. It was cruel to us. Our family was her and we lost her after losing our mom too.
Disruptorpistol
NTA . Your grandmother is unhinged to suggest that years of isolating two grieving children from the only mother figure they know is somehow equivalent to not inviting an estranged father to a wedding. Has she always placed some of the responsibility of your fathers abusive behavior onto you? Or is this recent behavior from grandma?
Again, the OP responded:
Witty-Butterfly4195
This is recent. She was very supportive and on our side when we were kids. It's possible she never said anything while we were younger but always felt it. I'm not sure.
RemoteBroccoli
"As you tried to remove our aunt, one of the only people who listened to us, and then tired to have us accept your decision, you effectively cut your contributions out of our lives. You chose to remove our family. I've chosen to remove you all together, and you know why. Please don't contact me again."
Send that to your father, and have security at your wedding (Find a big burly teddy-bear bouncer, ask them if they can help, and that should be it) NTA.
molewarp
NTA. That man and his wife basically stole your childhood away from your aunt, who was the next best thing to your mother. That man and his wife can go and have their pity party elsewhere.
Individual_Ad_9213
NTA. It's your wedding; it's your invitation list. Reassure your NAN that you know and that you are comfortable with both, the short-term and the long-term consequences of what you have decided to do. Also, tell her that if your father shows up, you will have him removed from the site. The last thing that you want is a surprise at what should be a joyous event for you.