Ex-bridesmaid donates dress after cousin with cancer is replaced, 'the response was extreme.' AITA?
"AITA for not giving my bridesmaid dress away?"
Backstory: my cousin “Mary” (who I was never close to) got engaged and asked her bridal party a month or 2 in. I wasn’t asked, didn’t care as we’re not close. My other cousin “Lisa” (who has cancer) was the matron of honor - no surprise here; they were always close. Mary's sister in law to be is the maid of honor.
I was also never close to Lisa either and actually had not spoke to her for almost 6 years but when she got sick, I reached out-no motive beyond wanting her to know I was thinking of her.
(Edit to clarify: Lisa is older than Mary. I am younger than both. Lisa and Mary always left me out growing up. I did not attend Lisa’s wedding years ago due to family drama and as a result did not speak to her for about 5/6 years.
When I heard Lisa was sick, I reached out. We began talking and at this point speak almost every day. Both of us seem to have put the past behind us. Mary gets engaged late summer/early fall 2023. I congratulated her but also didn’t think I’d be invited to the wedding given we don’t talk.
Fast forward 2 more months, I got a random call from Mary asking if I wanted to be a bridesmaid. I was surprised but agreed, figuring I’d get to spend time with Lisa and maybe create an adult cousin relationship with them both. Two weeks later, Mary sends a text to Lisa kicking her out due to her “having a lot going on due to having cancer and being unable to do wedding stuff."
I also dropped out because I felt used and like a replacement. When dropping out, I offered to give the dress (which I bought) to my replacement. I never heard anything so I donated the dress. (Edit to add: it had to be more than 2 weeks looking back.
Maybe it was more like a month and a half? Nevertheless, when I got the invite for the bridal shower, I checked the wedding website and saw that there was no bridesmaid added in my place. A few weeks after that, I went to donate the dress. All in all I waited almost 2.5 months before donating the dress.
The bride had given a deadline to order the dresses in order to have the same batch of dye for all dresses, so if she was going to replace me, I figured she would have done so sooner than later.
This week, I get a text from the sister in law asking for the dress (not offering to pay for the dress, just asking me to send it to her house and she would pay for shipping) I said I donated it and I’m accused of conspiring with Lisa when giving my response.
So I told them what I really thought of them kicking Lisa out of the wedding. The response was extreme: stating that me (and the rest of my family) have mental illness, calling me stupid and unable to think for myself etc. Am I the ahole for not giving her the dress and ultimately not planning to attend the wedding at all?
Here's what top commenters had to say about them:
GreekAmericanDom said:
NTA. Surely you must know that you aren't. At no point here have you acted in an unreasonable manner. I urge you to learn to live by your values and not be influenced by hateful, selfish people into doubting yourself.
Whale8052 said:
Nta Kind of a confusing story but it seems pretty immature to kick a person out of a wedding party because they had cancer and couldn't attend a few things... Kick a person while they're down! Bride sounds immature. It all sounds very immature. I wouldn't worry about donating the dress. Oh well.
Lego_Panda_Bear said:
NTA. Your only possible mistake was offering the dress in the first place. You bought it, it was yours to donate, sell, or return (if possible) as you saw fit. Your cousin sounds a bit "stupid" if she thinks anyone would be comfortable with the situation she put you in.
Trick_Delivery4609 said:
NTA. Bride sounds awful. On day of wedding, go take Lisa out for a spa day and POST A TON of pictures. With hashtags saying best day ever or whatever the bride would fume over. Better if you can pose in the dresses doing stupid crap too.
Independent-Web-4807 said:
NTA. Mary kicking Lisa out due to her “having a lot going on due to having cancer and being unable to do wedding stuff” is very sick. You offered to give the dress that you I bought. You said that you dropped out because you felt "used and like a replacement". And why not due to Mary's behavior towards Lisa?
freerange_chicken said:
NTA. You offered, they didn’t get back to you. Based on other comments, you waited two months to hear back and in my opinion that is more than enough time. And anyways, you own the dress.
It sounds like the dress will end up being used for a much better purpose (your comment about donating it to a rotating closet) than these people. Kicking someone out of a wedding party because they have cancer is pretty awful.
LowBalance4404 said:
NTA. You waited two months. I don't know about you, but I have a very small place. I don't have the room to store stuff that I'm not using.
Later, OP added a small update to include:
I am in fact the ahole according to this side of my family and everyone is mad at me for saying what I thought of kicking Lisa out. My mom has completely sided against me.