Ex-bridesmaid refuses to attend wedding after getting kicked out of bridal party; AITA?
Getting kicked out of a bridal party can definitely put a dark cloud over wedding festivities, but at least you get to save money on a dress you'll never wear again...
So, when a conflicted ex-bridesmaid decided to consult the moral compass of the internet about whether or not she'd be wrong to boycott the wedding entirely, people were eager to hear all the juicy details.
WIBTA if I didn't attend my friend's wedding after she kicked me out from being a bridesmaid?
I (24F) recently had a falling out with my friend Mandy (24F), resulting in me being removed from her bridal party.
Mandy is getting married in July and asked me to be a bridesmaid. I happily accepted. We've known each other since we were 5 and we've been close friends since we were about 13. We never had any fights until the last 1-2 years, when we've had more complicated arguments.
Mandy wanted me to design some wedding invites for her. She asked me when I'd be able to get started on them mid-December, but I had finals so I told her I'd be busy.
2 weeks later she asks again, after my last final, but I was busy with Xmas family stuff and planning a new year's trip. She never gave me a deadline so I figured it just wasn't very urgent yet.
About a week after getting back from my trip, mid-January, I text her asking about the cards. She leaves me on read for like 3 days and then answers me and tells me it's fine, they're done now.
Turns out, she wanted it done before New Year's, and was waiting for me to ask her about it, but by the time I did, she was already pissed with me for taking so long and stressed about getting it done. So, she decided to start doing them herself like a day before my text to her.
I could've helped her work on them if she answered me. I got pretty angry, and I explained to her it felt like she went behind my back. She never gave me a deadline, so she should've told me it was urgent, or at least tell me she was planning on starting it herself.
The fight dragged on for a bit, then we called and talked about it. She told me she thought she had been clear it was urgent, I told her that wasn't clear at all to me.
I apologized for my poor timing and not picking up on her cues that it was urgent. She said she should've told me she started the invites and that she was sorry I felt hurt.
She also brought up how she felt our friendship has been rocky lately, we've been fighting a lot, and she isn't sure it's a good idea if I stay a bridesmaid. She's worried I will add to her stress on her wedding day.
I told her I want to stay a bridesmaid, but it's her wedding so ultimately it's her call to make. A few days later she sent me messages explaining she thought it best to remove me from her bridal party, but she still wants me at her wedding and as her friend.
Adding insult to injury, there are these 2 girls, Sam and Pam, that Mandy doesn't like. Mandy's been ranting to me about them for YEARS, saying how she wants to break off their friendship, but can't bring herself to do it. Mandy and Sam and Pam have drama and fights all the time, but she still asked them to be bridesmaids.
My mom and my boyfriend think Mandy is being hurtful, but 2 of mine and Mandy's mutual friends said they see both our sides. IDK if I was out of line getting angry over the cards, but I'm also really hurt she doesn't want me as a bridesmaid anymore, so I don't really want to attend her wedding. So, AITA in this fight and WIBTA if I didn't attend?
Here's what the jury of internet strangers had to say...
sometimesblessed said:
When someone tosses you from their wedding party it is a pretty giant middle finger. Quite honestly, I'd probably consider it the end of the friendship. This friendship carries way too much drama as it is.
If you want to go to the wedding, go to it. If you don't, do not go to it. Do not feel like you morally are obligated. However, know if you do not go to the wedding, the friendship will be over.
Human-Bid5167 said:
ESH. You all sound exhausting.
tan_sandoval said:
ESH but you more than her. People can't 'go behind your back' when they are making THEIR invitations for THEIR wedding. That's simply not possible because they don't need your permission or involvement to make their own invitations.
You were asked to participate. Twice. You had valid reasons why you couldn't. It didn't work out for you to help with this. That's all it is. To get MAD because she didn't wait for you to be free to do things for her own wedding when she's already asked you twice is some serious main character syndrome.
You aren't the focus here. Your involvement isn't what's important. Her timeline and her preferences are far more important than you getting to be involved with any given task.
Anything more than understanding disappointment that it didn't work out for you to help is a serious overreaction. She didn't need to tell you that she was moving forward. Not sure why you thought you were owed a third ask when she's already checked in twice.
It also sounds like she communicated poorly and refused to give you a deadline when she actually had one in mind. Kicking you out of the bridal party was a bit...much, but I understand why she might not want someone involved who takes it personally every time she makes an executive decision as the bride.
Not going to spite her is petty, but if you're done with the friendship, so be it. That's probably a good call for everyone, tbh.
grayfern said:
YTA, and here’s why. It sounds like she texted you asking when you could start the cards. Sounds like you said, not until _____, after my last final.
So she texted you after your last final. But it was poor timing so you…didn’t give a response? Gave a vague response? Either way, “mid-January after my trip” does not sound like it was communicated. So she took care of them herself, stressing because you weren’t prioritizing it. Because you weren’t.
Then, you…got mad?? Really?? That was an easy situation to say omg, I had no idea you needed them so soon, I’m glad you got them done, what else can I help you with? But instead, you made it about you. YTA, don’t ruin what sounds like it has been an amazing lifelong friendship because you got offended.
Later, she updated the post to include more details...
INFO: I didn't blow her off when she asked me to start working on them. I answered and asked her a few times when she needed them for/when she wanted me to get started on them and she told me whenever I had time. She did not specify a deadline and that's why I didn't think it was urgent yet.
The cards thing is basically resolved, what I'm upset about is that she threw me out of her bridal party over this. I am no longer a bridesmaid, just a guest, and that's the main reason I'm hesitating about attending.
MORE INFO: I feel like a lot of people are assuming I kept blowing her off so I just want to try and make things extra clear. I completely understand I could've been much more proactive to show I cared and was prioritizing her, and I did apologize to her for being unorganized and appearing disinterested. I know my communication is something I need to work on.
However, I never blew her off. I answered her every time she asked me about it and she basically told me to get them started whenever I had the time. So I thought I had the time. I got home from my trip middle of January and thought, I should get started on those invites.
So I texted her asking for details on how she wanted the cards to be. She had only just started working on the invites on her own when she read my text. She then did not answer me for almost 3 days while she worked on making the invitations without me, fully knowing I was ready and available to help her. She then answered me after she finished making the invitations.