"AITA for not performing at my ex-friend's wedding?"
A friend of mine of nearly 10 years recently got engaged and started planning a wedding for summer of 2025. She asked me to be her bridesmaid at the wedding and I happily said yes.
When planning the wedding I asked if they would prefer a traditional wedding gift, or would they want some assistance with the wedding. I am a singer at a wedding band, and we have performed for free for friends and family before and we offered to play a set in exchange for food. She was very exited about the idea.
However, at the engagement party, I got into a huge fight with the fiancé. To the point in which my friend kicked me out of the wedding party. And later the entire wedding. It's fine. I couldn't pretend to be happy for them at the wedding, it's their day, if they don't want me there, it's okay.
I, however, assumed that since I am no longer welcome at the wedding, I am not required to give a gift either. My former friend (her words) insisted that since they had "booked" us, we are required to perform at her wedding. For free.
I told her that we only perform for free for friends and family, and even they pay for accommodation and travel as well as provide us with food at the event. If she wants us to perform, it'll be the standard fee since we are not friends. We have an opening to take the wedding, but we are not doing for free.
Since that she has bath mouthed us to all our mutual friends. They think that in order to keep the peace, we should just do it, as we had promised. Am I the asshole here for not wanting to give an expensive value gift to someone who no-longer considers me to be her friend?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
MyUsernameIsPolish said:
Absolutely NTA. If she no longer considers you a friend, she can’t expect free services. Your mutual friends should understand that professional boundaries exist for a reason. You’re right to charge your standard fee.
wlfwrtr said:
NTA. Remind them all that the performance was to be a gift given because you were a part of the wedding party. You have not only been removed from wedding party but uninvited from the wedding and reception.
If you're not allowed at wedding how are you supposed to perform? Wedding etiquette dictates that a gift shouldn't be expected to be given if someone isn't invited to the wedding.
squigs said:
NTA. "Keep the peace"? What peace? They've made it pretty clear you're no longer friends.
C_Majuscula said:
NTA. She lost the friend discount and treatment when she kicked you out. At this point, it’s “no written contract, no service.”
Constant-Safe2411 said:
NTA. The performance was going to be your wedding present. You were uninvited so they no longer get a present from you. Simple.
OkeyDokey654 said:
NTA. Why would you need to keep the peace with this person who is no longer your friend?
TristanG2022 said:
NTA, you don't owe her a thing.
The rest of the band has no say about what to do now? Or choice in the first place? Or opinion worth asking? They just exist in the background, doing or not doing what you decide? How odd.
Threadpanic OP
No, of course not. Obviously I discussed with the rest of the band before offering, and they were all down for that, just like I've been okay with performing in their loved ones weddings. I did tell them that the wedding gig was off, as of now, and they are still okay doing it if we get paid.
Because that's what we do. I haven't discussed this situation with them, because to me it was a no-brainer until everyone started telling me how I should just do it for free. So I wanted to ask from impartial 3rd party what they thought, so if I really was being an ahole, I could bring it up with the rest of the gang.
There is no need to mix them up with all the drama. They are not involved with the couple in question, so this is something I need to deal with the bride.