'My ex cheated while she was pregnant. Now she's accusing me of emotional manipulation.' AITA? UPDATED

"I found out my (31M) ex-wife (27F) cheated on me while she was pregnant. Now she says i'm emotionally manipulative because I’m 'cold and distant' during custody switches."

I (31M) found out my now exwife (27F) had been cheating on me last year, when she was 6 months pregnant. The affairs happened before and during the pregnancy, she had reasons and excuses and didn’t want to get a divorce, she wanted to stay together and do couples therapy, I told her to go ahead and get therapy but cheating was a dealbreaker for me so we got a divorce.

The house was mine before we got married so she moved back in with her parents, who had enough room to set up a nursery and give my ex the guest room. We agreed to an even 50/50 split of custody, my wife has our daughter Sunday-Wednesday,

and the original plan was for her to drop her off at daycare on Wednesday morning, and my nanny picked her up around noon and brought her back to my house, where my daughter would stay with me until Saturday night or Sunday morning, depending on what worked best for everyone.

Then my ex said she thought the daycare was misplacing some things she was sending in for her to bring to my house, because a few times our daughter came home short some bottles or without her binkie. So Ex said she wanted to drop our daughter off at our house directly to make sure all of her things get to me. So she started picking her up from daycare on her breaks, and dropping her off here.

I work from home Wednesdays and Fridays. Even so, I’m working. When Ex began dropping off Nadine at my house, it was normally about 12:30. My daughter’s nanny (nice old lady from Barbados, not sure of her age but I’d say late 50s-60s) was the one to answer the door for my ex and take my daughter and her things, since I was in my office working.

Ex began saying she wanted to speak to me directly when she dropped off. She said she felt like “she was unloading a lot on the nanny and didn’t want her to forget to tell me anything."

I would be lying if I said I didn’t still have some resentment and anger towards my ex. I don’t want my daughter to see that though, so when I talk to my ex I try to be as emotionally even as possible, just talk about the things that pertain to my daughter and no more.

At today’s drop off, Nadine had a dirty diaper so her nanny took her upstairs to change her. My ex asked me how I was doing and I told her I was fine, thank you, and then began to walk back to my office (she sees herself out, she used to live there).

As I was walking away she says “you know, I’m getting really sick of your sh!t!” I didn’t even get a chance to ask her what shit she was talking about when she just started freaking out, saying I was “emotionally manipulating” her by being cold and distant, that she shouldn’t be punished forever for her mistakes and how me hating her is the same as me hating my daughter.

I let her finish yelling and then told her to leave. I think my best bet is to go no contact with her again, and not see her for drop offs anymore. But I was looking for some other perspectives or opinions on the matter if you might have them.

Edit: I got a paternity test once I found out she cheated, my daughter is mine.

What do you think he should do? Commenters weighed in:

Beppo_Elongo said:

I don't know how NC would work with even sharing of your daughter's time. Definitely as little contact as possible. Continue being a stone wall. You could say "you and I don't need to have an emotional connection. All we do is handle business with our daughter."

pineboxwaiting said:

It appears that your ex is hoping for a reconciliation- trying to find ways to see you. Since that’s not an option for you, returning to no contact is best. You’ll need to get over her betrayal enough that you can be in the same room with her for your daughter’s sake, but nothing more is required.

aliveinjoburg2 said:

Time to set boundaries that are healthy for you and your child. I’d suggest two things:

1.) Parenting app - keeps things extremely civil by forcing both of you to only communicate about coparenting. Some of them have filters that flag a conversation that is going to turn into an argument. It makes it super business like and less like friends.

2.) No more pickup and drop-off at home. Local police station, another public space, whatever. And if pickup/drop-off has to happen at home, no entering each other’s home, even if it was her home at one point. It is no longer her home so she needs to be treated like a guest. If you deny access, then that’s it.

MistressArchNem said:

She obviously still has feelings for you. Clearly. And she's trying to see if you have anything left for her. I had my child's father meet me at a public place. Zero interaction. Full view of the public. The child is now 20. Some exes never get over it. Especially when it's their fault. They think they'll get away it, or get forgiven. Or get us back someday.

A week after his original post, OP shared this update:

First of all, I’d like to say thank you to everyone who took the time to comment their support, sympathies, and advice. I didn’t get a chance to respond to all the comments but I read and appreciate them all. There were so many great suggestions. Someone suggested a website called “Talking Parents” which I believe is going to be a great resource for my exwife and I.

The thing I need to keep reminding myself is that in five or ten years, the negative and betrayed feelings I have for my exwife will most likely fade, but a hostile relationship between the two of us will impact our daughter forever. Because of this, I sat down with my exwife and had a (recorded) conversation about our situation.

I was very open and honest with her. I told her that I still had negative feelings towards her as my exwife, but as the mother of my child I would always treat her civilly and respectfully, but we had to have boundaries.

I told her that we are going back to the original plan where she drops her off at the daycare Wednesday mornings and my nanny picks her up in the afternoon. We’re going to communicate through the website which items should be sent home with her, so the nanny can double check to make sure she has everything.

My exwife isn’t happy, i think she was coming to my house in hopes of reconciliation, but I told her respectfully , but in no uncertain terms, that it was never going to happen, but I would love to evolve our relationship as awesome coparents to an amazing little girl, and maybe one day, friends.

Again, thank you to everyone who took the time to reply to my post. This community has been a wonderful resource for me, I hope you all have a wonderful night.