'AITA? My ex and I chose a name for our baby but I want to change it without his input.' UPDATED
"WIBTA? My son's father and I already agreed on a name but I want to pick a new one without his input."
My ex and I were together for nearly 3 years. I found out I was pregnant when I was already 12 weeks along, and my ex was excited to be a dad and he couldn't wait for the baby. We picked out names. I wasn't a massive fan of the boy name he chose, and told him so, but he said it's a family name, and meant a lot to him, so I agreed to it despite having other options I liked more.
2 weeks later he told me he wanted a paternity test. I said I didn't get where this was coming from, but I have nothing to hide so O.K. He then asked for one at my next appointment, and they said the only option was amniocentesis, which slightly elevates the risk of miscarriage. I know it's only slightly, but I'd rather have no risk than a slight risk.
I asked if there were other options, and they said that there's a different test they could do before the birth with no risk from the procedure, but they can't do it at the place I went for checkups, and my doctor said that me going to the hospital for the other test "would pose an unnecessary risk" just by going there, so they didn't recommend it.
I said to my ex that if he wanted a paternity test then he could wait until the birth, because I'm not putting the baby at risk with either of the in utero options. Because of this, my ex said that he wouldn't be involved until the paternity test comes in and "proves" he's the father, at which point he would be totally involved. Until then, I'm on my own.
I'm now 37 weeks pregnant, and I've spent 23 weeks of those weeks without him entirely. I've been thinking about the name a lot. I feel like we chose this name together, but I've gone through this whole pregnancy alone, I'm about to go through delivery alone, and despite what he's said about wanting to be involved once we have confirmation, that's still not a guarantee that he'll actually be involved.
We've already broken up over this, and I didn't like his choice of name that much to begin with. I want to pick another name.
I'm staying with my parents and siblings, and I talked to my parents about it. My dad agrees with me and thinks I should choose something new because, in dad's words, "he [my ex] hasn't done anything to earn a say in this". My mum, however, and my sister, both feel that I should go with the agreed on name because it was agreed on, and they feel this would hinder a healthy co-parenting dynamic.
I think I might be the asshole because it's his baby too, and the last thing I want to do is push him away when our relationship in general is already pretty bad, and this wouldn't be a good start to co-parenting as exes. WIBTA for changing the name?
What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:
MagicalGlitterBitch said:
NTA. He left because you wanted to wait until it’s safe to get the paternity test he asked for (that it sounds like you agreed too, but only once it’s safest). That’s messed up. Name the baby whatever you want, he lost those privileges when he walked out on you two.
Peacesalam said:
Did he leave you after you were pregnant when you weren’t able to get a paternity test right away? It seems to me he’s been shady himself, which is why he doesn’t trust you. Pick a name you love. Who knows if he’ll stick around later on. NTA
And Coyote__Jones said:
NTA but get ready for the backlash and hurt he's going to sling at you later. I totally agree that you have no reason to consider his feelings, as he's already written off this child as not his. He's not bonding with the baby daily, not supportive of you in the final weeks when things are hard, insecure, and pushy.
Honestly I'd exclude him from the birth, take your mom or sister. And mail him the paternity test with the court summons for child support.
And worldfamouswiz said:
NTA. It sounds like you haven't spoken to him about why he wanted a paternity test, and even after he decided to leave you, from what you stated here it seems like you still haven't figured that out. Either way, he left you. I suggest you choose the new name for your baby that you have been carrying with zero support from him. He lost his right to give your child the family name when he decided to leave.
In response to the comments, she shared this edit to her post:
Info: I don't know exactly why he wants a test, but here's my thoughts:
1.) He asked for the test shortly after telling his parents about the baby, and his parents don't like me, so they could have said/done something.
2) I have a few male friends who he doesn't like me spending time with, despite our time together being in a group of several people (even mix of men and women).
3) The pregnancy was 5+ years ahead of schedule so we were using protection and it was a shock to both of us, but maybe he thought that as we used protection it couldn't be his. Bear in mind that all of this is pure speculation because when I asked him why he wanted the test, he only said he needed "proof" and he couldn't know it was his baby the way I could know it was mine.
She later shared this update:
I went into premature labour 3 days after making this post. I named my son Ryan David with my last name, Ryan because I liked it and David after my father. He came nearly 3 weeks early and was very underweight so they kept him in for monitoring, but they've said he should be able to come home with me on Friday.
My ex still has me blocked on everything, so he has no idea his son was born. My ex wanted to name him Albert Leopold or Leopold Albert with his surname. I was pushing for Leopold Albert because Leo is the best nickname. I'm assuming he'll unblock me eventually but time will tell.