'AITA because I told my ex husband he can’t get a new dog until I move out?'
"AITA because I told my ex husband he can’t get a new dog until I move out?"
So my (f31) ex husband (m33) just broke up in March of this year. I won’t go into details about it but he sprung it on me quite suddenly. We just bought a house together a little over a year ago and we’ve both been living there in the meantime while I look for a new place to live and our lawyers figure out the financial details.
I’m not particularly attached to the house so I don’t mind moving but it takes time. I currently have one 14 year old chihuahua mix who was my dog before I met my ex husband so I will be keeping the dog with me.
Ex loves dogs and spoke a lot about wanting to get another dog. He even showed me specific other dogs he had been considering just a few weeks before he dumped me. He now tells me the one of the reasons he wanted another dog so bad was that he could have a dog that was just his.
He recently sent me a message asking if it would be okay for him to get another dog soon, while I’m still in the house. I told him no because he works quite a bit and I don’t have a day job (I’m an artist) so I’d be the one at home all day taking care of this new dog.
I also said it was unfair to my dog to make him socialize with a new dog all of a sudden, especially since we won’t be staying here. My dog is old and not super friendly to other dogs.
I do feel a little bad that ex still helps with my dog but him and my dog have lived together for like 8 years so of course my dog still loves him and asks for attention from him.
The dog doesn’t know what’s going on. It’s also not like he needs very much care. Ex just gives him food in the morning and lets him outside a few times and lets him snuggle with him.
Ex said that he didn’t expect this whole divorce/me moving out process to take so long and tried to make me feel guilty by saying a lot of the dogs he looks at are at shelters where they’ll be put down soon if they’re not adopted. AITA for just telling him to wait and not look at new dogs until I’m gone?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. “He didn’t expect the divorce/ moving out to take so long” Jesus. Prick.
In his defense, it's been 3 months. Few people go into a divorce knowing how long the process can take especially when property or children are in the picture. Most assume it's like an eviction. The process can take years in some cases.
Who hasn't heard of divorces taking months or years? Never in my life have I known a divorce (with assets) to take any less than 4 months. That's a very naive assumption for someone to make.
NTA. He wants to get himself a dog now, while you’re still living there, so you can help take care of it while it adjusts to its new home. He knows that if he waits until after you move out, he’s going to have a harder time taking care of it on his own while he works full-time. He’s also obviously trying to make you feel guilty with the dogs in shelters comment.
This is it. He wants a dog to be his but wants OP to do all the training and socializing. If OP didn’t have an elderly dog I could possibly see agreeing with the stipulation that soon to be ex takes time off work to settle the new dog, but with an elderly dog that doesn’t like other dogs, he’s just asking for unnecessary problems. If he’s made it to 33 without his own dog another few months/year won’t hurt him.
NTA. It’s okay for him to ask. It’s okay for you to say no. His comments about shelter dogs being put down was manipulative, so that makes him TA. Whenever he does adopt, he will save that animal.
NTA…Not fair for him to adopt any dog knowing that he will not be home a lot to take care of said dog. A rescue dog does not want to leave a shelter to spend most of its time inside a bigger cage.
NTA. If he wants a new dog so badly and the divorce process is taking too long, he can move out.
NTA, and if your ex is in such a rush to get a dog, he can move out until you are in a position to do so. He doesn't get to lumber you with looking after his dog. I won't even get started on the selfishness of expecting your dog to bond with another animal that shortly won't be in its life.
NTA, he should not buy a dog when he wouldn't be the main caregiver. It is cruel to the new dog, your dog and you. He be getting the new dog make it bond with you and your dog as his main family cuz you see the ones home with him.
Then he be ripping it from its new safe space cuz he didn't care about it enough to wait to make the home environment suited for what the dogs future. If he came wait maybe he should love out then til you have mew place.
NTA. Tell him if it takes too long for him, he can move out and get a new dog at the new l´place. You are trying to find new living conditions and when you moved, he can get a dog. But I think he should also look for a new place, as I don't think you want to gift him your part of the house or he will be able to buy you out.
helloiamsilver (OP)
Oh, he’s definitely buying me out. Both of our parents helped us get the house so him and his parents will be giving me the money I’m owed from it before I leave.
NTA Others have pointed out that this would be unfair to the dog and you, since you’d be taking care of it while he’s at work, and the dog would then have to adjust to yet another new home when you and your ex move out of the house.
Another point to consider is that if you will be selling the house, a new dog might be destructive and damage the house, might not be house trained, causing odors and stains, might shed a lot, and might be yappy, all of which would impair your ability to sell the house at the best price.
One of my neighbors is trying to sell her house and has a rescue dog who barks incessantly. The realtor told her that the dog cannot be present when the house is shown, so she has to leave the house with the dog on short notice whenever there is a showing and be out for hours, which is very disruptive to her WFH job.
Your ex sounds very manipulative by trying to put a guilt trip on you about shelter dogs being put down if not adopted. He should stop going to shelters to look at dogs until he has a new place to live that will be the dog’s forever home, then he can adopt all the pound pups he wants.