As the title states, I went to my best friends' Xmas/her husbands birthday party in the 24th and Met my Ex there, for the first time since our divorce. Apparently he is one of my bff husbands' co-workers. He didn't know that I would be there and was as surprised as I was. We made some small talk and then I hopped over to chat with another friend.
During the evening we bumped into eachother a couple of times, he made some jokes, but most of the time I tried to avoid him. Yesterday my best friend sent me a screenshot in which my Ex asked her husband for my number (in chase I wanted him to have it) because he wanted to ask me out.
Thing is, nobody in this city knows that we we're once married to each other. When I moved here 5 years ago from the other side of the country, I never mentioned my divorce. He didn't either. So now my friend&her husband want to hook us up, because"you seemed to have such great chemistry at the party."
The other thing is that I never realised how much I missed him until he entered the room. Our relationship was a mistake, we got married because we were the only unmarried couple in our social circle and everybody else was already having babies.
The divorce was ineviatable: our communication was rubbish, I wanted kids, he didn't (at least not as soon as possible), His mum was meddling and he didn't stand up to her.
At the same time we were really good friends and meeting him again made me more than happy. But I had a chat with my cousin (32F) and her husband who are spending Xmas & New Years Eve with me and they told me not to overreact and that being nostalgic for the things that could have been was natural during the holidays.
So now I am debating to meet him, talk to him and be done for good, but the risks of catching feelings again is high (He did look better than 5years ago & finally left his hometown to work for his dream business - something I told him to do years ago). Am I exaggerating/overreacting? What should I do???
tl;dr: Met Ex-husband for the first time in 5 years. He lives in my city now and wants to take me out (His own words). What TF should I do?
BettyCoup said:
You don't have to get back together, but I don't see the harm in meeting for a coffee. He shouldn't get to "take you out" until you know him a little better and can more adequately decide if this is someone you want to date, or just be acquaintance/friends with. That way, you won't have to backpeddle.
thumb_of_justice said:
Unless he wants kids now and is ready to stand up to his mother, it's not going to work. Maybe meet him for coffee and talk with low expectations. He may be ready to meet you where you are-- he has left his hometown. You won't know unless you talk to him. But again, keep your expectations low.
And mandeltonkacreme said:
Side note, she’s your best friend and doesn’t know about your ex-husband? Hasn’t ever seen a picture of him? That’s... odd. And if that’s the case, wild guess, your marriage probably wasn’t good enough to reminisce about with your best friend. Stay away from the guy.
Shortly after posting and before answering my best friends message, I ran into my Ex in the supermarket. We had a short talk, everything was collogial and since I did not want to jump to conclusions without talking to him, we went for coffee afterwards. Long story short: we agreed to stay in a friendly level, for our own good
(He admitted that he felt extremly sentimental after meeting me the last time, I admitted feeling both giddy and panicky at the same time). He apologised for things he did/didn't do during our marriage (mainly not defending me against his mother, with whom he doesn't have any contact anymore). Then we discussed our friends.
What some people asked in my OP was why I never told my best friend about my (failed) marriage. The reasons is that she might be one of the kindest people I know, but she is quite religious (I'm not) and extremly against divorce. In her eyes you should better sacrifice your happiness for the benefit of the others, so getting a divorce is the cowards way out.
It means you don't deserve love. Her MIL treats her like scum, her husband stays quiet because she "is glad that (MiL) gave her the most important thing in her life" and rather endures the rants and boundary-stomping.
So telling her about my divorce would have resulted in one of two scenarios: a) she'd never talk to me again because I killed the idea of marriage or b) she'd try to get me back with my husband.
Some days ago, one of these scenarios happened. I told her before that I was not interested in giving Ex my number (I already had. Neither her or her husband, my Ex's friend knew.), because I was not looking for a relationship (I actually am not. Last March my last relationship kicked the bucket due to cheating (him) and unwillingness to forgive(me)).
She acceptance that and inivited me for brunch the next Saturday (one of our traditions). Sunday comes and my Ex calls me whether I was going to bFf's brunch. He got an inivitation. So we were both there, sitting next to each other, BFFand her husband trying their very best to get us interested in eachother.
It was like in a very bad movie. Like that scene in "When Harry met Sally" when they go on a double date. Subtle remarks in the things we have in common, hints in compatablility, badly masked comments on my unsucessful love life... until BFF's husband says: "As far as I know [my name], she would probably make a great wife. My mom likes her, BFF's mom loves her... she's every mothers dream."
And Ex says: "Well, my mother used to call her That Woman and told me all her short-comings until I believed them. Actually she even admitted to hating her. But in hindsight she really was a great wife." Crickets. Ex and I look at eachother and burst out in laughter. Probably due to the pressure and the extreme awkwardness of the situation. BFF and husband join in. For a moment they believe Ex made a joke.
Then BFF says: "We are so sorry for pressuring you. It's just that we like you both and think you'd make a great couple!" And Ex takes out his f**%'%ing phone shows them a picture of our wedding day (why the f was that there? Because he had sent me some pictures that my dear ExMIL withholded from me) and says:
"We did. But it did not work out and we're friends now. Who wants to go to the cinema?" Chaos ensued. Worldviews broke. BFF started crying. BFF's husband was flabberghasted. They make us leave to "readjust".
Yesterday I spoke to BFF in the phone and explained everything thoroughly: the abuse by MIL, the arguments, the incompatibilities. The mutal decision to end it. My fear of telling her. She was silently crying for my future. Quote: "You are already so old and threw away your only chance of happiness. No wonder you don't find love. You threw it away. It won't come back.
Your future with Ex is riddled by betrayal, If you get back together, you can never mend what you tore apart. What will you tell any partner? I cannot understand how you could do that! You always seemed so compassionate, why could you not understand the pain of your MIL. She lost her son to you. You did not respect her wishes or listen to her. She loved you like a daughter but you were not ready."
That's when I said goodbye, have to go, see you and questioned my 5 year friendship. I talked to my mom, to my cousin and even to my Ex (who had a similar but not as emotional talk with BFF's husband who doesn't even talk to him at work anymore.) They all recommend that I should give BFF some space. I feel worse than after my last breakup.
Soooooo tl;dr: am friendly with my Ex now (planning to go to a Pub quiz next Friday with some other friends who have been told about our status), but my best friend is deeply sad about my inability to "cherish marriage", insulted me by siding with my abusive Ex MiL and is now in Time-out. Not sure how/whether to save this friendship.
After reading all of your comments I decided to end the friendship. I did not sleep well, so I spent all night writing down what bothered me, so that, if she dares to talk to me again, I have the right arguments.
Regarding her possible frustration/projection: I really acted as her therapist for the whole 5 years of our friendship and realize now how co-dependent and slightly toxic this relationship actually was.
This is something I have to get over and though I'm a rather introverted social mess, I really need to look out for new friends who are not as prejudiced. (I told one of my colleagues the cliffsnote version of the conflict and she -divorced and remarried- told me to join her feminist knitting and sewing group, so yay, first step!)
Ex has a similar problem now, my friend's husband told their mutual friend group that Ex had "loose morals" and might be a bad influence. Because this is kindergarten, some of them blocked Ex on social media, some asked him what crime he commited and only one told him that a) BFF's husband is extremly overreacting,
and b) He still wants to hang out with Ex no matter what. So we're now in the same "find friends"-boat. My friend's husband actually asked his boss this morning if he could arrange sth so that he did not have to share an office with Ex anymore. So yeah, they are also cutting ties.
And to the comments asking which culture we/they belong to: we're all generic Europeans. Ex-friends are just bekonging a strange christian church (protestant. Not even catholic.)
Tldr Mission finding new friends is afoot. Ex-friends behave like toddlers, cementing my decision to severe contact.