'AITA if I told my ex-husband his wife's death doesn't mean he can manufacture a relationship with his kids?'
"AITA if I told my ex-husband his wife's death does not mean he can manufacture a relationship with his children?"
So I (44f) and my ex (44m) split up twenty years ago. We have two children together (now 23f and 25m). We did have a bad divorce, lots of fighting over child support. I asked for the standard shared custody with me as the primary and child support be determined by the courts. He threw a fit, forged some documents that I caught him.
He turned the issues toxic, including telling the kids I only wanted them to make him pay child support and that I didn't really love them. I was no saint by any means, but I have always loved and supported my kids. Up until then, he was pretty regular with visitation but not child support.
After meeting his now wife about 19 years ago, he became less regular with visitation and child support. I did take him to court several times for this, which then included them threatening to throw him in jail (important later).
Then two years later, my kids went on a regular visit with them but they were sent home after two days. Apparently, while fishing, my ex noticed his new wife upset about something and my then 6f piped back and said to the effect that his wife was upset because he was paying attention to his daughter instead of her. That, my friends, caused both kids to lose their father.
After a lot of continued court fights over money (crazy thing, kids require food and stuff), he finally asked to be removed from custody if it meant he didn't have to pay child support. He also asked when I planned to get married so my new husband (that didn't exist at the time) could adopt them. Needless to say, I accepted the terms to remove the toxicity from my kids' lives.
Fast forward to last month, I get a random text that says "I know I'm the last person to text. If it is you, then you will get this message to K and C. Grandma Kim and Maureen passed away last year and Krystle, my wife, passed away from cancer last night." I was like WTF. I did not respond but did pass on the message to my daughter. Son is currently at BMT but set to graduate at the end of August (So Proud).
My daughter was not impressed. Then fast forward to yesterday when he reached out to her on Facebook. He is begging to be back in her life after 17 years. Telling her he sent her bday and xmas stuff (NEVER HAPPENED) and that I just cared about money and such. This has made my daughter extremely angry. She said some pretty therapeutic stuff back, and it got nasty. He is playing victim and poor me.
Now I hate to see this all affecting my children even though they are adults. I did raise some good kids. So would I be the AH if I told him just because his wife died and he has no one left, does NOT mean he can retraumatize MY children?
What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:
Puzzled-Safe4801 said:
Honestly, I wouldn’t reply to him at all. And IMO, your kids shouldn’t respond either. He’s alone and is desperate to pull others into his web. He needs it. He craves it. It’s his fuel. Don’t give it to him.
Crafty_Special_7052 said:
NTA he chose his new wife over his kids. And now that he’s all alone and has no one doesn’t mean he can just go back to having a relationship with his kids like nothing happened.
NurseNancyNJ said:
NTA. He literally wanted you to find someone else to adopt them. There's no coming back from that. Karma
Alt_Life_Chiq said:
You wouldn’t be the AH but I feel like you should let them pull that trigger. Be there for her and let her vent, but she has to be the one to say “Stop contacting me” and/or whatever else she wants to or not to say.
If you feel like you need to respond to what he sent you, a simple, “Do not contact me again. Our children are adults and will make their own decisions on whether to or not to invite you into their lives, but you are not invited into mine.”
And LauraLand27 said:
The opposite of love is not hate. It’s indifference.
Time to ghost.
She later shared this update with more info:
Thank you for the overwhelming support. A couple of things:
1.) I did not speak badly about him when my children were young other than to say when they asked why he didnt want them: "As adults we still sometimes make bad choices, this is one of his that he will regenerate one day because you are an amazing person."
2.) In order to stay out of jail, the court ordered him to pay back support to the tune of $50 per month. He has to continue to pay for five years. Haha. I have always been honest with the kids about this. So they each get 300 a year because I don't want his money.
3.) My daughter really is a rock star! She lives in another state now and is holding her own while her SO is on deployment. It was just very unfortunate timing for her to deal with this at the same time. BUT she did tell him he was a liar and a deadbeat, then blocked him. Then he created another account to be able to contact her again.
4.) I have chosen to keep quiet and let them deal with it unless they ask me to help. I know they are both strong, smart individuals who know how to stick up for themselves.
5.) My son still doesn't know what is going on since BMT is like being in a black hole for 7.5 weeks. We, his sister, my husband and I, are all going to celebrate him this week when he becomes and official Airman! His sister is going to tell him what has been going on while he is on town pass so he doesn't get caught off guard now that he will be getting his phone back.