"AITA for asking my ex husband to kick his new girlfriend out in support of our daughter’s feelings?"

AITA for asking my (38F) ex husband (54M) to kick his new girlfriend out in support of our daughter’s (14F) feelings? My ex and I have 50/50 shared custody physical, legal, and medical of our daughter. We were married for 16 years and have been divorced for 7 months. We both live in the same town so it’s easy for our daughter to move between homes. We each have one week and then switch.

So essentially, we each have her every other week. We divorced fairly mutually. It wasn’t messy. Get are on speaking terms and are relatively friendly with one another.

Two weeks ago, it was my ex’s week with my daughter. Halfway through his week my daughter sent me a text saying her dad had a new girlfriend visiting. I mostly ignored it. I might have reminded her to be nice. Teenagers aren’t always the nicest to new people.

The next day, I got a text from my daughter saying that the girlfriend was still there. I have to admit, I didn’t like the idea of a stranger my daughter had never met staying overnight in the same house, but ultimately said nothing because I figured it would be the one night and I would address it with my ex at the next switch.

When we did switch, I found out that the girlfriend had been there all week and had actually moved in. I had a private conversation with my ex asking why he thought it was okay to never introduce her to our daughter first before moving her in and that I was very very uncomfortable knowing that he leaves my daughter alone with a stranger when he leaves for work in the early morning.

There is two hours between when he leaves and when my daughter leaves.

Here is what I have learned over the last week of my daughter being with me for my time:

1.) The gf lived an hour away and that’s why ex had her stay.

2.) The gf is a heavy smoker and it filters into my daughter’s room.

3.) Ex and his gf dated for 1 week before she moved in. 1 week total time between first conversation and moving in.

4.) Ex never once talked about the situation with daughter.

5.) Daughter was very unhappy with living with a “stranger “ for a week.

6.) Ex told daughter about gf for the first time during the 10 minute drive to his apartment after picking her up for our weekly switch.

Yesterday my daughter sent ex a long text expressing her feelings and frustration. Ex called her to talk about it which immediately turned into a screaming match. My daughter said she feels like he is choosing his new gf over her and he kept making excuses for why he can’t kick the gf out to find her own place to live and start the introduction process over the right way. He really doubled down.

He thinks that everyone is against him being happy and that it’s not fair for our daughter to give him the ultimatum of not coming back to his house until the gf is moved out. He has known the gf for a total of 3 weeks now.

AITAH for siding with my daughter and being very much against having a stranger live with her so suddenly? What is making this such an unreasonable request?

Edits:

1.) Yes, I know in hindsight that a 16 year age gap is creepy. But at 18 when I met him, I thought I was mature enough to have an older boyfriend. I was very young and very dumb. The new gf is 45.

2.) I don’t know if the gf is smoking inside or if it’s outside my daughter’s sliding glass door and window. But I do know that she definitely vapes inside regularly.

3.) I want to be clear that don’t care what my ex does, who he has over, who he’s dating, or if he’s dating… ON HIS OWN TIME. I’m not trying to manipulate or control him. But he does have an entire week to himself every other week and his initial excuse for her moving in was that she lived an hour away and it was hard to see her. Our town is rural so everything is 1-2 hours away.

4.) My ONLY concern is my daughter’s well-being. I largely ignored the first report of the gf because I didn’t want to pry or interfere in my ex’s life and I didn’t think it was as bad as I found out later. About 99% of what I know of the situation happened AFTER I picked up my daughter for my week.

5.) My daughter has been very vocal about how she feels. Sure, she doesn’t like the gf, but that isn’t the focus for me. The issue here is that a stranger he knew for 1 week fully moved in with all her stuff before meeting my daughter and my daughter was NEVER told who the gf was, how long she was staying, and was left alone with my daughter on a daily basis.

He said later that he didn’t want to tell me what was going on because he knew I’d be mad. And he said he “didn’t even think to ask” our daughter about her feelings.

6.) During his week my daughter had sharp stomach pains and went to the ER. The nurse told her it was likely stress induced. My ex also did not tell me he took her to the hospital! My daughter updated me which was actually the first I heard.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Mysterious_Book8747 said:

My sisters agreement has a 6 month stipulation and requirement for a background check in it before introductions can be made. Also no smoking and no drinking in front of the kids. Does your decree have any such stipulations in it?

OP responded:

No. We both thought after knowing each other for almost 20 years that we were both responsible enough to not need stipulations. And with our child being almost 15, it would be easier. Apparently that was COMPLETELY off. After this is all settled, I will certainly be filing for an amendment of some sort.

SnooWords4839 said:

Your daughter may be old enough to choose not to visit dad's and you get child support.

Glass-Intention-3979 said:

3 weeks? Do not, I repeat, do not let your daughter back to that house. This is insane behaviour by two adults. They are clearly not of sound mind. You really need to contact your legal team/service to get this sorted ASAP.

Your daughters wellbeing is of paramount here. Your ex has moved in a complete stranger to him in to the life of his child. This woman could be crazy! What about her background, what has brought her to the point she is wiling to move into a man's home after a week?! Nothing good I'll tell you. Which, means there are serious issues going on here.

Contact your lawyer ASAP. Change custody bases on this highly suspect behaviour of your ex. No sane person would do this, so I'd be wondering if something psychological, medical or financial is going on with him. He's needs to answer to this.

But, you also need to prepare for this to be the start of ex dismissing and moving away from your daughter. Basically dropping her and not being involved. You have to admit your age gap with your ex. You may have been OK with it but, it is large and unusual. Which, suggests hes never been mature and so, immaturity is in his make up. Your going to have to step up here.

OP responded:

I will totally admit to the large age gap. It’s definitely suspect in hindsight. I met him when I was 18, married at 21. I hate to say it was very young, and very dumb. That’s the sort of thing we choose to ignore as young adults. I thought I was more mature and could handle an older boyfriend and husband. I’m dating my age now. Lesson learned.

Desperate_Rule1667 said:

OP…your daughter is 14. You are her parent and protector. Stop encouraging her to work this out on her own with her dad, he is clearly irrational and irresponsible. You need to step up and fight for her safety and emotional well being. She needs to know somebody will do whatever it takes to protect her best interests. Clearly her dad is not that person.

And Otherwise_Degree_729 pretty much summed it up:

NTA. Your ex is insane. I stopped reading after he let a stranger move in. He has known her for a week. That’s insane.

She later shared this update on the situation:

My ex has agreed that my daughter will stay with me for a few extra days while “he figures things out”. I will be amending for dating stipulations in the meantime and will file for an alternative custody agreement next week. That gives him a week to “figure it out “. His personal solution will guide what I ask for in custody.