'My ex-husband's daughter announced she's getting married. What should I do with their family's heirloom ring?' AITA? + UPDATE
"My ex-husband's daughter announced she's getting married. What should I do with their family's heirloom ring?"
My ex-husband and I married too young. It was a classic white wedding with vows and the tradition of passing down a family ring. My ex was given his great grandmother's wedding ring to give to me on our wedding day.
We had a wonderful start, but we both really weren't ready to settle. He cheated on me and my drinking turned into alcoholism. We divorced and the ring was never really discussed, so I've kept it all this time. We married at 19 and divorced by 22. Luckily we didn't have kids.
We went our separate ways. He found someone and remarried and had a girl and boy. My journey has been harder. Alcoholism took many things from me, but I kept the old wedding ring.
Never pawned, traded, or lost it. Even during some really dark times. Even tho my marriage ended, it was like a memory of better time. I've gotten clean and so far I'm on a long winning streak getting my life put back together.
Through the gossip lines I found out my ex is still married and his daughter, their oldest, just got engaged. I still have his great grandmother's ring. He had talked with me before we even married how he wanted to pass it down to his daughter one day.
We haven't talked once after all these years. I don't know if he still wants his daughter to have this ring, maybe he's forgotten about it. I feel conflicted what to do. It wasn't a good ending.
We were so young and stupid and mutually overly entitled. Should I get in touch, or let sleeping dogs lie? Mail it as a wedding gift with a card anonymously? Or say It's from me?
Edit: I will definitely get in touch with him and let him decide where we go from there. Hopefully he'll want to meet face to face. It would be nice to see him after all this time.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s initial post:
Be an angel. Be a complete, wonderful angel and send him the ring with a little note that says you remember how he had hoped to give this ring to his own child and that you wish him and the young couple every happiness.
You have no legal obligation, of course, and really no moral imperative but we don't get that many chances in life to give someone as much joy in a single gesture as you would by putting that ring back into his family line.
Get in touch and ask if he wants it for his daughter. I may be biased, as I’m a pretty sentimental person, but if it was my family heirloom I would want it back. Even if the bride to be doesn’t want it, I think your post mentioned that he had multiple children? One of them may want it for a future wedding.
throwRA_ring (OP)
Yes, he has a younger son. So maybe one day for his wedding if not his daughter's. I think I should give it back. But should I do it in a delicate or special way?
Two weeks later, the OP returned with an update.
So, small recap, my ex-husband and I exchanged wedding vows and I was given his great grandmother's wedding ring. We divorced (his cheating, my drinking) and the ring was never discussed and I ended up saving it as a keepsake all these years as a memory of another life I once had.
I'm clean now for a long while and I recently spoke with a friend who knows of my ex's family and brought up how his daughter recently got engaged. I immediately thought of the ring, it was to be passed down to our daughter if we had had children.
This being a family heirloom it compelled me to return it even tho it's been decades since my ex and I last spoke and not even sure he'd want it back. After posting here for advice, I decided I needed to do this for his family.
I had the ring professionally cleaned at a jeweler and given a pretty box to put it in. While I was there I took the advice of one commenter and ordered myself a ring. Instead of an inset diamond, I gave mine a ruby.
It was my grandmother's name and she never gave up on me and it seemed fitting considering the other ring belonged to a great grandmother. I decided to have maybe a cliche engraving of the word "forward" because that's how I've made it here to where I am now, by moving forward.
My ex lives about 2 hours into town and I had a girl friend come with me. First we drove by and there weren't any cars, so we grabbed lunch and tried again. This time someone was home, and I decided to leave things be.
I had my friend go up to the door and knock. I saw him open the door. She handed him the package and pretty much headed straight back to the car. He didn't say much, she told me. Seemed a bit confused, but thanked her and that was it.
I didn't get to see if it made him happy or if he called his mother saying the ring found its way home. I imagine him beaming while explaining the ring to his wife as he passes it to his daughter. It is fun to imagine. (I also imagine a lot of crying and hugging, but that's probably going too far).
I had a note with it. I wrote almost exactly what a commenter suggested: "It's been an honor and privilege to be part of the history of this ring. Please accept it back with best wishes to your family and to your daughter's engagement."
In a way, I kinda like not knowing how everyone reacted. I can daydream about it, my own fairytale. I didn't include any way to contact me, just my name. I found him and feel if he wants to, he'll find me.
But I don't see much point. Our time was short and it ended and this is probably the best closure I never expected. It makes my heart lighter. Thank you all for helping and sharing this with me.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s update:
Oh my … your post is the best anti-revenge post ever. You started in a relationship with the best of intentions, your life went sideways, you moved on and healed to the point that you could show your former dh kindness and grace without expectation. Well done OP, well done.
The cleaning of the ring and giving it a nice box was a special touch, a very classy and dignified way to close a chapter, well done!
This while story shows how far she has come in sobriety. The hesitating wasn't about giving the ring back, it was about upsetting him seeing her. Great attitude.
An OP who admits they did things wrong and did their best to make it right, with a poignant and bittersweet update. It's a sight to behold.
It says so much that her main concern was not "I want to keep it" but "will I be causing them distress by giving it back?" I can only hope to be as classy and thoughtful as OP someday.