Ex-husband’s affair partner demands repayment for college tuition paid to wife he cheated on with her. AITA? + UPDATE
"AITA for refusing to repay my ex-husband for the college tuition he paid for years ago?"
So for some background my ex husband and I ended things over twenty years ago. When our son was two he stepped out. At the time, I was a a stay at home mom and going to nursing school full time. He was paying for my schooling.
After he left, I asked him if he would keep paying for my school so I could finish with no debt. He agreed saying it was the least he could do. A few months after that he got his affair partner pregnant.
Once she got pregnant, she demanded he stop paying for my schooling. It was 1/5 of their income and she said that money needed to go towards their new baby. He refused and kept paying for the remaining year and a half I had left. Over the years, I continued my education and now I’m a nurse practitioner. I do well for myself and I never remarried.
On to the problem. My son called me and told me he and his wife are expecting. I was ecstatic. I asked if I could come over sometime during the weekend by and give them some things (his favorite stuffy as a child, a check, and some other small sentimental things). He said yes so I went over earlier today.
I came by and gave him everything including a check for a few thousand dollars. (For baby stuff, co-pays, the nursery, or anything else they may want). My son and his wife thanked me and told me the money would be very helpful.
My ex husband and his wife came over and little while later (they surprised them with dinner and didn’t know i’d be there) and saw the check on the counter. My ex’s wife asked about it and I said “Oh well I wanted to help out where I could, everything’s so expensive nowadays!”
I was really just trying to be polite but i don’t think this is any of her business. This woman had the audacity to say “Well maybe since you have all this money now you can finally pay us back all that money you took when you went to college.”
I was dumbfounded. My ex has literally never brought up me paying him back. He’s always said it was the least he could do for both me and our son. My ex has done very well for himself in his career.
I didn’t see how or why they’d need the money so I asked them “Do you guys need the money or something?” and my ex said no and she said “Of course not, it’s about principle.”
I told her I will absolutely not be paying them back for college tuition from over twenty years ago especially when she ended up in our marital home while I was living in a small apartment barely making ends meet for years after I initially finished school. I’ve never been bitter or mean, I’ve always been civil since our kids are siblings but my blood was boiling. I left shortly after that.
According to my son this has been a point of contention in their marriage. She’s brought it up a few times over the years in front of him. And she’s insisting to him that he needs to convince me to finally “pay back what they’re owed”.
The biggest issue is now that the whole damn family is involved. I got calls from three separate family members saying I need to get over myself and just pay it back. So AITA here?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
She’s embarrassing herself. Calculate how much your husband should have paid you in alimony and child support so you can tell her you’ll repay the tuition when he pays what he owes in child support and alimony. I would bet money he would owe you. What a twat she is.
NTA lol. I'm not laughing at your situation. I'm laughing at the clown who your ex is now stuck with. It sounds like she's reeeaaaaallllllly hung up on the fact that you were with your ex before she was and this is a really weird expression of that. Basically staking claim to what she wants to be hers even if it's not.
My stepmom was this way. Treated me differently because I came from the woman before her. It's this weird insane jealousy-spite thing and frankly, it's toxic. It's also really, really unhealthy for her to bring other family members into this. Ultimately this is an issue between you and your ex and the other woman is making a mess of it. Don't pay it back. No matter who comes at you, die on this hill ✊
Tell her it was the adultery tax or that her husband was ensuring that his son would have a good life with either parent. NTA.
disturbiahope (OP)
This is exactly what my ex said. He wanted to make sure we could both afford things for our son. It was in a way a good investment for him because we went half on basically every activity he was in, his first car, and his college tuition. We definitely couldn’t have done that if I only had a high school education.
So reiterate that to her. ”OK, I‘ll pay the student loans back… and we can recalculate all the chidl support, car, uni fees etc as though I was never educated… so that would me I pay you about $30k and in return….
You’d be up for… let’s see… $10k a year for 13 years, plus half a car $20k , plus half of tuition $60k, plus health insurance at $1k a year, times 17… let’s call it $20k… so let’s call it even at about $230k… sound good? I’ll take my $30k off the balance, and you can just pay me $200k and we call it even?”
And when she balks say… “Your husband wanted your son to be raised well, with a fair and safe house… if I had not graduated… this is what it would have cost your husband. He is business minded and made wise financial decisions for himself, as well as his son.
Without paying for my fees it would have cost him significantly more, for significantly longer, and his son’s life would have had significantly more struggle. How he’s stayed married to you all this time is the true mystery… what did you say your qualification is in, because surely you can math this too?” And walk away.
Two days later, the OP returned with an update.
So, first I want to clarify some things. Yes it was OUR marital home, we bought it after getting married. I didn’t fight so hard for it in the divorce for a few reasons, mostly that she was borderline harassing me about how they needed the house for their “growing family”.
I also didn’t want to deal with a longer and more drawn out divorce and it would’ve been if I fought for the house. Yes he bought me out of the house however it really wasn’t much as it was late 2007.
Most of it went towards credit card debt anyway. Another thing, when he was paying for my schooling we were still legally married. The divorce didn’t finalize until after i graduated.
There was no child support until after I graduated. There was never any alimony. I did live in the house while I was in school and they lived in an apartment. He paid all those bills including hers after she got pregnant.
So his finances were tight at the time. The “family” that called weren’t MY relatives. They were my ex’s and his wives relatives. I thought they were family, they’ve since been blocked.
Onto the update. I got off work yesterday to find a few missed calls from my son. When I called him back he tells me that his stepmom has now asked for the money from the check since it was “almost the same amount” they they spent on my college.
She said it was obvious Id never “pay my debts” and that i would “just give him (my son) more money anyways” I’m stunned. I’m pissed. I don’t know what has possessed her to think to ask my son for money intended for his family. I tell my son to ignore her and i’ll handle it.
So next I call my ex. It goes straight to voicemail. I try again a few minutes later and it’s the same thing. So I reluctantly call my ex’s wife and she answers immediately. I tell her the three of us (my ex, her, and me) need to meet first thing in the morning to discuss the “debt”. Im thinking this needs to happen in person with all three of us so there’s no confusion. She agrees.
This morning we met at a coffee shop near my ex’s work. As soon as they sit down I say, “So [ex’s wife] want to tell me why you think it’s appropriate to ask my son for money?” My ex looks at her and says, “You asked [our son] for money?”
She starts, on about how she was only asking for the money they’re “owed” and she didn’t ask for more than was on the check. Then she says “For years we struggled due to paying for your school.
For years we couldn’t afford a new car, a new house, or a nanny. My kids had to share a room.” She goes on about her “struggles” I started to tune her out because I keep thinking there’s no way she’s this deluded.
It may have been inappropriate but I laughed. I literally took out thousands in credit card debt to keep me and my son afloat while my at the time husband was shacking up with her and PAYING HER BILLS. My ex looks at her and says “What the hell Sarah.”
I added “It’s laughable you think you’re owed anything from while you were a mistress. We were MARRIED when he paid for my schooling, it’s quite literally none of your business how he chose to spend money.
You had zero entitlement to his money until you said ‘I do’ and from what I recall that wasn’t until years after the divorce was even finalized. Do not contact me or my son about this money again. You will NEVER see a dime from me.”
She rolls her eyes and gets up to leave. My ex tells her he’s going to stay for a minute. After she’s gone he asks why I didn’t just call him and tell him about what was going on, said he would’ve handled it and that it didn’t have to go this far.
I say I did call him, twice actually and this is how we figured out she blocked my number from his phone. So those of you who said she’s just very insecure, you were absolutely correct.
I tell him that she involved his sister, cousin, and his sister in law. That I got several calls and texts from them telling me I should just pay back my “debt” finally. I tell him that she involved the family and then asked our son for money intended for his baby.
She’s crossed too many lines. He apologizes and says he’ll make sure she doesn’t bother me about it again. We both leave after that. My son told me he blocked her number and doesn’t want her at his house until she apologizes. That’s pretty much it for now.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Wow, your ex's wife needs a reality check! Maybe she should start a GoFundMe for her 'struggles' instead of asking for money from your son.
disturbiahope (OP)
What’s weird about this is that my ex makes significantly more than I do. They’re anything but struggling financially.
She is a very insecure person. She is jealous of you. She took your man, he is trash she can have him but you are thriving and she is jealous because you did what you had to do and are thriving.
Her being his mistress didn't destroy you so she is just holding on to this money thing. Good for you. Remember to always be petty. It's good for the soul. Glad you had the chat and I hope this annoyance is over for your and congrats on becoming a grandma.
Idk what your ex sees in her. And I doubt she’s going to let this go if apparently this has always been an issue for her.
I hope ex and mistress get divorced. They find deserve a “happily ever after” and more importantly your son doesn’t deserve to have that psycho around him.
disturbiahope (OP)
Yeah honestly the person I feel the worst for here is my son. He grew up with a woman who hated his mom for no good reason and apparently always held a grudge over me getting an education. I can’t imagine after what she did recently he’d want her super involved as a grandma. I don’t think that’ll go down well.