"AITA for letting my ex sign over his paternity rights before he knew the babies were his?"

My (f42) boyfriend (m57) of 4 years split recently. We met while we were both going through divorces and we got together about 6 months after mine was final (his was final before mine). We live in different towns so we sometimes would go a couple of weeks between visits due to distance but it worked for us. He has 4 kids (m37, f 35, m 14, m12) and has shared custody of the two youngest with his second ex-wife.

I share two kids (m18, f16) with my ex-husband. It just hasn't made sense for us to move closer due to having to fight with exs to change custody agreements. I found out 8 months ago I was pregnant. This was completely unexpected as he had a vasectomy after his last son was born. Neither of us had any intention to have more children and I was not prepared to be pregnant at 41.

I didn't even find out until I was almost 5 months along because my periods have been odd for years due to a combination of weight loss, anemia, genetics and age. I went to see him and his reaction was... well he broke things off with me and had some very choice words to call me. He refused to believe anything other than that I was seeing someone else and trying to pin this pregnancy on him.

His ex wife cheated on him often which is why they split so part of me understands his emotional reaction but he spent the last 8 months ghosting me and has refused to even speak to me. The babies (twins m/f) were born 3 months ago. I do not need his financial help but I decided to file for child support so he would do a paternity test.

Once his friend said he took the test but before we had the results (which I never needed he was the only person I had been with), I had him served with papers to sign over his parental rights and all financial responsibility as well. Unsurprisingly he signed the papers without hesitation.

We got the paternity tests results back and now he is blowing up my phone and showing up at my house angry at me and saying I am a jerk because I refuse to entertain the idea of getting back together or moving closer to him. He also says I tricked him into signing over his rights. (I am aware he may be able to fight me as it is recent).

Some of my friends and family are telling me I am an asshole for doing this to him and others say they understand why I did. So dear Reddit, AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

NUT-me-SHELL said:

NTA. Why would you get back together with someone who accused you of cheating? He has nobody to blame but himself. And if he signed over rights and the kids weren’t his, the papers wouldn’t have meant a damned thing. Sounds to me like his family is giving him shit and now he wants to save face.

OP responded:

I do believe he really felt like there was zero chance of the babies being his. I was 100% fine with a paternity test when I found out I was pregnant because of course with the vasectomy he was going to have concerns and that I could have dealt with. But ghosting me was childish and left me alone when I was feeling pretty damn vulnerable.

Now he wants to "be a family". He is a good dad, and I would be okay with him being in the twins life, but I don't want to pass off kids every other week for the next 18 years.

YanceyWoodchuck said:

"He also says I tricked him into signing over his rights." Yeah. Sure. Right. Unless you presented a stack of mundane papers awaiting his signature and hid the paternity docs in the middle, he knowingly signed away his rights. There was no trickery. Your ex needs a wake up call on reality and personal responsibility. NTA

WTFareYouTellingMe said:

NTA. He didn't have a problem with accusing you of cheating. He didn't have a problem with leaving you alone the rest of your pregnancy. He didn't have a problem with giving up his parental rights. Now he should not have to have a problem with facing the consequences.

Fattdog64 said:

NTA, He signed the papers before he got the results. The ONLY 100% sure fire way to prevent pregnancy is abstinence. I have been cheated on, so I understand his initial reaction. But he took it too far. To want to get back together after going over the top and believing you cheated really is unrealistic.

OP responded:

I honestly expected and even prepared for a discussion on getting a paternity test when I told him. I didn't expect him to ignore me the whole pregnancy and birth.

human61850 said:

NTA. Is there any reason he had to sign the papers right away? I’m sure he could have asked to delay until he had the results back. He made his own choice.

And OP responded:

He definitely made the choice there was no time limit. He just felt certain they were not his. I honestly don't know why he signed them honestly because if they weren't his he had no financial obligations or parental rights. I suspect it was supposed to be one more middle finger at me.

steeveebeemuse asked:

INFO: what does he mean you “tricked” him? You told him they were his children, right?

And OP responded:

Yes. I told him he was my only partner. We were in what I thought was a loving relationship. We had talked about planning to move in together in the distant future as we both prioritize our kids and the existing custody arrangements would make it extremely hard for either of us to move at the moment and we didn't want to interrupt the kids lives with more court, moving schools possibly, that kind of thing.

He says tricked but it just really is he was wrong. I suppose a few people have pointed out that I suspected he would do these things and yes, I did. I have known him longer than we have been together. I was his confidant during his divorce so he shared his feelings on being a father, on how he constantly had to fight for his rights as a dad and that he would.

I also know there was a chance their second child wasn't his and how that effected him while waiting for the paternity test. That being said guessing how a person will react isn't exactly fool proof and he made his decisions with full disclosure. He knew I never needed child support he knows my financial situation well. He also knows that I hate shared custody for a multitude of reasons.

One of our few arguments before this all occurred was because he and I disagree on custody arrangements in general. In fact, I let him influence me more than I like to admit during the period when custody was established for my children with my ex-husband.

In the end he still has legal avenues he can pursue to reinstate his rights. I have already offered to allow him time with the babies but am firm that I am not playing pass the babies with him. Especially now since I am breastfeeding as often as I can (definitely having to substitute so not exclusive, but I don't want to see how my body reacts to a week of pumping only).

Later, OP shared this update to her original post:

I live in Colorado. We did have to go to court to relinquish his rights but it was a very short visit. He did not deny paternity, he admitted to never wanting anything to do with the babies, that he had not met them, and that the distance between us would make it difficult to coparent. My lawyer brought up his felony, that he had abandoned the babies, the fact that I have both financial means and family support.

The judge agreed termination was acceptable. I will apologize because after speaking to a few people I am learning it is rarely this smooth when my lawyer made it sound and seem so easy. I do know he can fight and possibly get his rights back, and I am undecided on if I would fight him on that. I'm absolutely willing to co parent with the man. I am not willing to forget what happened and just start dating again.