'AITA for leaving my ex who said I had to cheat on him before he would marry me?'
"AITA for leaving my ex who said I had to cheat on him before he would marry me?"
Sorry for the long post, but I’ve never been able to fully explain this situation to anyone because we share a child and I don’t want to talk badly about my child’s father.
Some backstory: I got pregnant at 19 by a guy I’d only been dating a few months. We were living together and definitely not ready for a baby. The night after we found out I was pregnant, he cheated on me with a friend of mine. I stayed because his family was extremely supportive and I wanted to try to make it work for our child.
Even before the pregnancy, there were red flags such as: one time he took my phone and texted my ex pretending to be me. Another time a guy left his number on a receipt for me and texted him pretending to be me.
After he cheated, he would always say things like, “I know it hurt you, but now I know I want you.” I don’t know exactly when he started saying I had to sleep with someone else before he would marry me..but his reason was “So I can know for sure he’s who I want to be with.” I would always tell him I’m not a cheater and I don’t have any desire to be with anyone else.
Two things finally broke me: 1.) When our baby was about a year old, we were out sitting by the fire while our child was asleep. We had our home, our child. So I brought up getting married. He looked me in the eyes and said he truly couldn’t marry me until I slept with someone else. I could tell he meant it.
2.) One night I had a gut feeling to look through his phone (I know I shouldn’t have but I was extremely insecure with him). I found out he was subscribed to a girl’s account that lives in our very small town. Something in me snapped. I told myself I was finally going to give him what he wanted.
I was already back working at the restaurant I worked at before I got pregnant. There was a guy that would come in pretty often with his friends. His friends and my friends kind of ran in the same circle. One night we all went out together and, to make a long story short, I ended up cheating on my ex with him.
I told my ex the next morning thinking this was what he had wanted and he would be happy. He lost it…said I was supposed to tell him before I went and did it. That morning was terrible. I moved out within a week.
Fast forward to now: We co-parent great. I’m married with a baby on the way. His girlfriend is kind and great with our child. But almost no one in either of our lives know the full story, and I’m often seen as “the cheater who broke up our family.” I still carry guilt and wonder…AITA for leaving or doing what I did?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
You should have left him when he cheated on you.
Exciting_Plum2967 (OP)
Would’ve definitely avoided a lot of additional hurt!
What you did was very questionable. Not because it was cheating; you had permission to do it. You didn't do anything wrong in that regard, in spite of him not specifying that he wanted you to tell him in advance.
There's definitely even some logic to saying you want to have sex with someone else to make sure that you're really with the right person, especially when you get together that young with not much experience behind you.
The issue, and why I think you shouldn't have done it, is more because of of his all-around questionable character. I think that makes it unwise to do something rather bizarre that they want you to do.
It sounds like it turned out pretty well anyway, though. You co-parent well, and hopefully your current relationship is happy. But maybe what you did still doesn't sit right with you, and you don't like people's lingering (mis)perception of you. NTA to anyone except potentially yourself depending on how you feel about your life now.
Exciting_Plum2967 (OP)
I agree with you! I definitely regret going about things the way I did and would handle the situation entirely differently now.
Gonna say NTA. I'm coming at you from a background of ethical polyamory. Gotta say the only thing that rings badly here is the initial cheating and this is why: to me, it REALLY sounds like he was trying to get you to cheat on him so he wouldn't be the only one that messed up.
Again, just a guess. Dodged a bullet babe. And if you still feel like an AH, remember you did your best with what you knew at the time. Do better next time, and don't be so hard on yourself now. I'm glad it sounds like you both ended up in a good place. ❤️
Exciting_Plum2967 (OP)
I agree he didn’t want to be the only one who messed up. Thank you for this POV! I definitely didn’t handle it right but was young and naive and unsure how to handle what was handed to me.
I’m sorry this happened to you. This whole read gave me the heebie-jeebies. You’re not the AH and he was a whole red flag from the beginning. You’re not thinking clearly at 19, especially with a kid on the way, so I imagine you were constantly in fight or flight w that specimen of a man.
I don’t think you did anything wrong, but it was also reactive because you probably felt so much hurt and resentment from what he had done and how he treated you. It sounds like he’s a very insecure, small man.
It honestly sounds like he just wanted to get rid of you. His cheating didn't work so he pushed you to cheat then flipped out over it. I can't think of another rational reason why this course of events transpired. What a toxic situation.
Exciting_Plum2967 (OP)
While I don’t believe he truly loved me, because you wouldn’t do the things he did to me if he did, he did fight very hard for the relationship. Both after he cheated and after I cheated and made the decision to leave.
Nah. He was just finding a reason to leave you right from the start. He didnt want to appear the bad guy so he gave you an insincere option for him to leave. And he made you appear the bad guy instead of him.