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Man's ex-wife refuses to let him walk daughter down the aisle. 'Imagine being given away by a cheater.' AITA? + UPDATE

Man's ex-wife refuses to let him walk daughter down the aisle. 'Imagine being given away by a cheater.' AITA? + UPDATE

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"AITA for telling my ex wife she cannot forbid me from walking her daughter down the aisle just because I cheated on her?"

My ex wife and I divorced a couple years ago. We were married for 14 years and during that time, I also developed a strong bond with her daughter. However, my ex wife and I divorced a couple years ago after I cheated on her.

I take full responsibility for it and don’t really have any excuses for it. I still regret it to this day, and I know it really hurt my ex wife a lot. I really thought this would affect my bond with my stepdaughter and I was even prepared for her to go no contact with me.

However, it didn’t affect my bond with her at all, and my step daughter said it’s adult business and it doesn’t change that I’ve been a father figure for her for more than a decade.

Last month, my step daughter told me she was getting married next year and asked me to walk her down the aisle. I was really honored with this privilege but I asked her if her mom would be ok with it.

She said her mom wasn’t ok with it all, and did not even want me at wedding. I asked my step daughter if she was sure me being at the wedding wouldn’t cause any additional drama, and my step daughter said she didn’t care what others thought as she knew how much of a great father figure I was to her.

I was really happy but also emotional, and I said sure. However, a couple days later, my ex wife called and told me I shouldn’t attend the wedding, and that no one wanted me at the wedding.

I told my ex wife to not make her daughter’s wedding about her, and it didn’t matter what others thought as long as the bride wanted me at the wedding. I told my ex wife she cannot forbid me from attending her daughter’s wedding just because I cheated on her. AITA?

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:

Agoraphobe961

NAH. I get why ex is pissed but being a bad partner doesn’t mean you were a bad parent. That her daughter is so willing to ignore everything speaks both to your parenting and to your ex’s parenting. Fair warning: if you’re still with the affair partner, don’t bring them as your plus one (if you get one).

OP should definitely arrive solo or with a family member (maybe a sibling).

Maybe I’ll get downvoted I dunno, but I’m going to be honest. I don’t necessarily think you’re an AH. But as a mom of 2 daughters…. If they wanted their cheating stepdad to walk them down the aisle, I would be so hurt. I wouldn’t say anything though… and my Italian family would so not take it well if you were at this wedding.

Also there's an irony to having someone walk you down the aisle who betrayed their own vows. What a slap in the face to the mom.

This was my first thought. OP, a cheater and someone who could not follow their own marriage vows, thinks it doesn't seem weird or hypocritical to walk his stepdaughter down the aisle for her own marriage.

Yeah, don't even bring a plus one at all.

It's honestly a sad situation all around and I feel for your ex. Her daughter IS actively choosing her cheating husband over her. Why couldn't the mom have been the one to walk her daughter down the aisle? I don't think OPs the ah for going through with it. I think the daughter is. I would never do that to my mom.

Imagine getting married being given away by a cheater...

Cheating, when there are kids in the mix, causes decades of situations where there can only be, at best, a choice between crap options.

NAH but imagine getting cheated on and your daughter, who isn't even their child, constantly forces that heartbreak and pain on you over and over. And at her wedding. You know, where people vow not to cheat on one another. I'd be heartbroken my kid did that and probably wouldn't speak to the kid anymore. I mean it shows she has no love or respect for her mom if she happily keeps hurting her more herself.

I’m going to tell you an honest truth i think you need to hear. You aren’t a good father figure because good father figures don’t destroy their children’s homes and lives by cheating on their mom.

NTA but I hope you consider the effect it may have on your step daughter’s relationship with her mother. TBH if my daughter did that I would never see her the same way. It would feel like she is picking you over her mother.

You betrayed her mother and how would she feel if her husband cheats on her and her mother still stayed in motherly relationship with him. I love the saying, “if you want to know who people are to you, watch how they treat the people who do you wrong “.

Your poor ex wife. First you choose another woman over her and now her own daughter is choosing you over her. I hope she finds someone who will always choose her no matter what. Having your whole family prefer other people over you has to be the biggest blow.

Having someone who betrayed their wedding vows walk my daughter down the aisle would be a really tough pill for me to swallow as a mother. My heart would be broken.

I don’t think our relationship would be quite the same after to be honest... but I wouldn’t say anything. I would keep it to myself forever because at the end of the day it’s her choice. But dang... it’s a bit cold of the daughter unless mom is a serious raging AH.

Two days later, the OP returned with an update.

Hey everyone, just a quick update. I have decided not to attend the wedding and walk my ex wife’s daughter down the aisle. I have read a lot of the comments which say this might severely damage the relationship of my ex wife with her daughter, and that’s the last thing I want.

I called my ex wife’s daughter this morning and told her I wouldn’t be able to make it to the wedding. She asked me if this was because of her mom, and I told her no, it was just that that if I attended the wedding, I would be the focus of the wedding instead of the bride and the groom.

She broke down in tears when I said I couldn’t make it, and I really felt bad. However, I told her my girlfriend and I would take her and her husband to a fancy dinner at a Michelin star restaurant sometime after the wedding. She seemed happy with the suggestion.

She then asked me if I’m marrying my girlfriend, and I told her yes. She asked if she could be my “best woman” at the wedding. To be honest, I was shocked with the suggestion, but I told her sure. She seemed really happy after that. That’s probably my final update, thank you everyone for the advice.

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:

Is your girlfriend also same affair partner?

Damn, she must really hate her mother, that or she really has love for you.

“The last thing I want is to damage the relationship my ex-step daughter has with her mom, who I cheated on.”

Proceeds to make said ex-step daughter best woman as he marries the woman he cheated on her mom with. You and the daughter aren’t good people.

lowprofile47

How can a daughter want to be a godmother at her father's wedding to the lover with whom he cheated on her mother?! This is so disgusting of her, she will only put herself in her mother's place when her future husband cheats on her too, because it's not possible that she is so insensitive at this point.

joemc225

Personally, I think you should have been honest, but also understanding. As in: "Yes, it's about your mom, but we need to accept that your mom has a valid position. I really messed it up with her, and it's not fair to expect her to repress feelings she's entitled to have and that she can't help having. She deserves not to have to deal with them on this day that is very important to her, as well as it is for you".

The fact that you even entertained the idea is disgusting. And now she's going to be your best woman at the wedding to your affair partner? You two deserve each other. I hope her mother goes no contact with your stepdaughter. Go rot.

So, what do you think about this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?

Sources: Reddit
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