'My ex-wife who left me twenty years ago asked me out to dinner and to her place tomorrow.' AITA? + UPDATE
"My ex-wife who left me twenty years ago asked me out to dinner and to her place tomorrow and I don't know what to do."
So I dated Dawn for three years, we tied the not at 20 and we're married for three years. We had some struggles, we both had a lot of growing up to do. She was working a minimum wage job and trying to finish her career.
I was just finishing up my career by then. So after three years her attitude changed and she became distant. She was sexually and physically abused as a child also i don't know if it matters though.
Anyway it came to light that she was having an affair with this guy who she worked with. She ripped my heart out and left me and went to go live with him in his parents house. She started doing drugs and has a kid by him. I was left devastated and broken and had trust issues over the years.
Well she added me on facebook a few months ago and I got divorced again two years ago. We have been chatting and she said she's sorry for everything she did and she would like to take me out to dinner and would understand if I decline or never want to see her again.
But that she "would really love to see me" She is a lawyer now and is dicorced and has her own kids. I didn't contact her much at first but she likes literally everything I put up. She has started every conversation. Telling me she's sorry for the hurt she's caused me, my kids are beautiful, you look great.
I don't feel any ill towards her anymore but this is all a shock to me. I feel as if she wants a new relationship judging by what she has said to me. She mentioned that we can go back to her place afterwards. She has tried to contact me over the years but I have blocked it.
I feel all these emotions of sadness and anger. I also feel like I would like to see her again for "closure". Haven't seen her in person for twenty years. I have gotten over her, this just feels so weird.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
She's an aging, twice-divorced cheater with kids from another man, and she's automatically at risk for relapse if she ever falls on hard times again. She's far, far past the point where she has a reasonable chance of a good relationship. If she pursues you it will likely be because she doesn't think she can do better any longer. Keep that in mind. Don't take someone back who has stolen so much of your life.
I dont think it would be a bad idea to see her for closure reasons. Ive had a situation where Ive been dumped, thought about and missed ex for ages and when I met her, she wasnt the person who I misssed and found closure. Similar thing happened to one of my other exes as well. She always contacted me, missed me bla bla and after we met since breaking up (2 years), she never contacted me again.
But that would be the only reason why I would see her - closure and benefit for you. I certainly 100% would not start any kind of relationship with someone who cheated on me like that. I would even unfriend her.
It sounds like she may want to start things up again and that's probably a REALLY bad idea, If it's been twenty years and you are still feeling hurt closure may not be a bad idea but she sounds like she used to be incredibly selfish so chances are she is doing this for her benefit. She is in her 40's, with kids, divorced and likely lonely. If she hits on you, run for the hills.
Two days later, the OP returned with an update.
Long story short I did meet her, we talked for hours and I felt better getting some answers throughout the night. It was an emotional mostly on her part meeting, she apologized many times and asked about my kids, what I'm doing now, how I've been.
She told me she's had counseling to work through her personal issues the last few years and it's helped her tremendously. I asked her a bunch of hard questions I needed the answers too, I actually wrote them down previously. She answered them honestly and didn't hold anything back. She knows the affair is completely on her and that I was devastated for some time after our divorce.
I wanted to know why she added me in the first place a few months ago and started speaking to me again. She told me she always has wanted to apologize in person to my face and thought it would be inappropriate while we were both married. She also told me none of the guys in her life ever really matched up to me and that she was hoping one day somehow we could try again ever since our divorces.
I told her I forgive her, but I'm not ready for anything right now. I appreciate her taking me out to dinner and I enjoyed it. I didn't go to her place, she told me she wanted another chance but wants to do it differently this time.
Although I do find her attractive and have always cared about her, I'm not ready right now. So let's just be friends for the time being. We hugged and she kissed my cheek and that was it. A tearful goodbye, we haven't seen each other in twenty years.
And some of the comments were people calling me a cuckold and other things, I don't really understand how. I divorced her when she left to go be with the other guy and blocked her for all of these years, even after attempted contact by her. So say what you want I guess.
Thanks all for the advice, I understand some of you might not agree with my decision, but I enjoyed my dinner and getting some answers I needed about our past. It may or may not evolve into something else, but I'm not ready for anything right now.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Things happen. Lessons learned. Revelations spring forth. We get older. People change.
I'd go with the flow.
I mean, I don't think it sounds like he was her last choice. It seems more like she did the dumb thing and realized how good she'd had it, then spent the next two decades trying to get it back. Not that he should agree. It's good she's finally getting help, but he really doesn't need to be a part of that process if he doesn't want to be.
It's hard for many on reddit to get, but people change over time. Someone who cheated at 20 isn't destined to cheat at 40 (and occasionally, vice versa).
Sometimes it's validating having someone who rejected you previously, want you now. It sounds like that's all he needed, got it, and walked away again. Almost every person over 40 looks back at their 18-25 year old selves and considers themselves to be somewhat idiotic at that age.
I'm really sad that he's 44 and thinks he's so old that no one would find him attractive and it's not worth it to marry again. He's 44, not 104. He's got so much life ahead of him.