'WIBTA for excluding my BF from my family's holiday plans after being excluded from his mom's birthday plans?'
"WIBTA for excluding my BF from my family's holiday plans after being excluded from his moms birthday plans?"
So me and my BF have been dating almost 7 years. Today I found out that his mom had planned to not have a birthday celebration and just treat Thanksgiving dinner as her birthday dinner.
This absolutely threw me into a rage because I am super big on birthdays. Not to mention i really like his mom and she has been having a rough year. He is well aware of all of this.
Obviously I would never force someone to have a party with a cake etc if they're not feeling like it but i at least like to make sure that they get a small present and a card minimum.
Come to find out today that him his other 2 brothers, their girlfriends and his parents are all on a group chat and we're all aware of this dual dinner on Thanksgiving Day and I was excluded from the entire thing.
We usually end up having her birthday on a weekend after the actual day depending on everyone's time off and I already have a present and card picked out and her birthday is today. And now I feel like a asshole.
So my boyfriend doesn't see the issue as I technically attended her birthday dinner even though I didn't know it was her birthday dinner. So Would I be the asshole for completely excluding him from my family's plans for this entire month and see how he likes it.
Let's see what readers thought:
cram writes:
YTA for making his mom's birthday plans about you and planning a passive-aggressive attack in response. It doesn't sound like you even tried talking to his mom about not being aware of the plan.
You didn't try to find out why you weren't included, and it's usually not personal. Plus, you seem to be ready to punish your boyfriend without talking to him either. None of this sounds good.
felagin writes:
Yes, YWBTA if you excluded your boyfriend from your family’s holiday plans purely out of retaliation. While your feelings of hurt and frustration are valid—being excluded from the group chat and not knowing about the dual-purpose dinner
—it’s important to address the issue constructively rather than resorting to tit-for-tat behavior. Excluding him from your family’s plans wouldn’t solve the underlying issue and would likely escalate tensions unnecessarily.
Your boyfriend’s failure to inform you about the dinner being treated as his mom’s birthday celebration is a legitimate grievance, especially since he knows how much you value birthdays. However, rather than excluding him, a better approach would be to have an open and honest conversation with him.
Explain how his actions—or lack of communication—made you feel unimportant and excluded. Focus on your feelings rather than accusing him, which might help him understand your perspective without becoming defensive.
If you value your relationship and the bond you share with his family, it’s worth trying to resolve the situation in a mature way. Excluding him from your family’s plans might feel like a way to make a point, but it risks creating further resentment and conflict instead of fostering understanding.
Instead, use this as an opportunity to set expectations for better communication and inclusion moving forward.
agah7 writes:
YTA. "Would I be the asshole for completely excluding him from my family's plans for this entire month and see how he likes it." .. Maybe he will love that, and get used to it.
cracfac6 writes:
As someone with a late November birthday who lives in the U.S., I’m fully siding with your boyfriend’s mother. The end of the year is always jammed packed for me and I’ve celebrated my birthday on Thanksgiving for many, many years now.
She had a rough year and didn’t feel like celebrating again. YTA. Her birthday isn’t about you and you can still give her a card or small gift if you really want to.