'AITA for excluding my brother from a fun event because his wife talks too much?'
"AITA for excluding my brother from a fun event because his wife talks too much?"
I (29F) I’m having a game night and would love for my brother (33M) to attend, but do not enjoy the company of his wife (30F), not because she’s a bad person, but because she has no ability to control herself in a social setting. She not only dominates any conversation and is very loud (only appears to have one volume).
She also rarely ask anyone questions about themselves without immediately, jumping on what they’re saying to make it about her. Unfortunately, due to her behavior, I have to exclude my brother from this event (and likely future events) because there’s no way that he would show up without her (which is fair).
My brother has been married for a year. This is not new behavior from her, and I have discussed it with him. He says he knows that it is annoying/disruptive and that he has talked to her about it, but nothing seems to change. This happens at dinners, family gatherings, etc. I have to specifically seek him out alone, if I want to talk to him at all.
If they are together, she cannot stop talking for both of them and he can’t get a word in. I understand it’s probably an anxiety thing and she claims to be going to a therapist for the past couple years, but I just don’t know if there’s anything more I can do without being rude.
Here is where I may be TA…I’m inviting some cousins and some of my close friends to game night that live much further than my brother and his wife (they live in my city). I have not told them, but I’m concerned about them finding out and being hurt but I’d like the chance for everyone to participate in a conversation.
Last time she was at game night she delayed people’s turns because she wouldn’t stop talking and was practically yelling over people trying to participate in the game about unrelated things.
AITA for excluding them because of her behavior?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
jmgolden33 wrote:
NTA. I think you need to tell your brother that you're entering a new phase here...
It's good that you've tried to talk to him about it...now it's a matter of "Listen, she hasn't changed, it's gotten to the point that it's affecting all of our enjoyment of the events she's at - I want to work with you here but something has to change."
That will be a little awkward, but less so than them finding out second and third hand from the cousins.
OP responded:
Appreciate the feedback and ideas. We are young and I don’t want to tiptoe around this for decades but have seen where blood vs marriage family can go insanely bad (on this subreddit too may times) but I’m stuck. Thanks for the advice.
Both-Enthusiasm708 wrote:
Info: When she is interrupting or talking a lot have you ever politely stopped her and said hey you are interrupting us can you please stop? Have you only spoken to your brother?
OP responded:
Yes, I have talked to her directly. We went on a family vacation and I ran into them at the resort that was all inclusive and was trying to ask about how their day was etc.
She was the only one answering so I had to stop her mid sentence after a bit and be like “hey, I’d like to actually hear from “brother“ about what he liked about today”. That’s not the first time I’ve done it, but I haven’t been as direct as “I’ve heard from you enough please give anyone else the chance to talk.”
digitalabia wrote:
NTA. Your brother already knows you can't stand her, so if he finds out about game night, it won't bother him. If she finds out about game night, that might be the wake up call she needs to change her behavior. I'm curious...if she's this bad, how did you brother come to marry her? Does the rest of your family dislike her too?
OP responded:
He’s got a bit of low self esteem unfortunately and his last gf was amazing and I think messed him up when they broke up. He’s also got chronic health issues that will be lifelong that she accepts. She’s not a bad person (has a good job, doesn’t cheat/steal, aka the bare minimum) but is just very, very annoying.
blootereddragon wrote:
I have this problem: if I think it I say it, and I can't hear myself talk very well so I'm loud. I practice very hard at asking people questions, NOT always having to tell my story and apologizing for interrupting if I do. I also practice active listening. It gets easier & its been years since anyone has had to tell me "hang on, let so-and-so finish."
My friends also are welcome to tell me "hey, indoor voices" if I'm getting too loud, although that doesn't happen as often either, because my friends appreciate my exuberance as long as I shut up and listen a lot! It takes conscious effort to overcome and it sounds like she's not even trying. NTA but I hope she can learn like I did.
OP responded:
I have really bad ADHD with pressured speech and impulsiveness. I have had my mother tell me maybe five or six years ago that I was being annoying talking too much talking over people, etc. and ever since then I have literally worked so hard to correct that behavior because I don’t want to be that person that appears self-centered.
NaiveConcept69 wrote:
NTA but why not talk to her about it?
OP responded:
I’m worried she’s too sensitive and will try and turn my brother against me. He has chosen her as his wife and I have to respect that. She is an only child. My brother and I have been through a ton of BS in our family and have had a pretty strong relationship, even though we have vastly different careers and interests.