'AITA for not telling my husband anything about my pregnancy?' UPDATED
"AITA for not telling my husband anything about my pregnancy?"
I (38F) recently had my first baby. My husband (38M) and I have been married for 7 years. Things were fine until I got pregnant, and then everything shifted. For some background, I’m very close with his family—especially my sister-in-law (26F).
She and her boyfriend are trying for a baby, and one day she asked me what pregnancy was actually like. I didn’t go into horror story details, I just told her honestly—yes, I had morning sickness, yes, my breasts were sore and leaking sometimes, yes, I was exhausted and had round ligament pain. The normal things.
Well, my husband overheard me and snapped, “You’re disgusting. Why would you even say things like that out loud?” He acted like me describing literal pregnancy symptoms was the most inappropriate thing I could have done.
I was so embarrassed and stunned, especially because his sister had asked, and it wasn’t like I was just blurting out TMI to strangers. But the way he said it stuck with me. He called me disgusting.
So I thought to myself, fine. If my symptoms, my body, and this pregnancy are “disgusting” to him, then he doesn’t need to hear about them. I stopped telling him anything. I didn’t tell him when I had headaches, when my back hurt, when I was craving something weird, when I had to go in for extra appointments, nothing.
He would ask how I was doing, and I’d just say “fine.” If he didn’t want the “gross” truth, then he didn’t deserve it. Fast forward to when I went into labor. My water broke at home while he was at work.
He wasn’t there, and since I had already decided not to bother him with pregnancy stuff, I didn’t call. Instead, I called his mom and sister, who immediately helped me get to the hospital. They stayed with me, supported me, and were in the waiting room the whole time. I gave birth to our child (a healthy baby girl), and everything went smoothly.
The only reason my husband even knew what was happening was because his mom and sister told him. He showed up late, after the birth. I didn’t text or call him myself, and I honestly didn’t feel guilty. He had made it clear he didn’t want to hear about my “gross” pregnancy, so I assumed he didn’t want to hear about the labor and delivery either.
Now he’s furious. He says I humiliated him in front of his family by “excluding” him from his own child’s birth. His mom, aunt, sister, hell—even his grandma are absolutely pissed with him for how he treated me.
They’ve been very vocal about it too. His mom told him flat-out, “You called your wife disgusting for being pregnant with your baby. You don’t get to play the victim now.” His sister has cut him off until he apologizes, and his grandmother told him he needs to “learn some respect before the baby grows up.”
The only people on his side are a handful of his cousins, and honestly, they’re the type who think women should be seen and not heard, so I’m not shocked.
The weird twist is my own dad is furious at me. When I explained the situation since my husband is ghosting him, he said I was being “dramatic and vindictive” and that I embarrassed my husband. He sees no problem with my husband calling me disgusting for describing pregnancy and thinks I should have just kept him updated anyway because “that’s your husband, and he’s the father.”
My mom and brother, on the other hand, are completely on my side and said I was right not to tell someone who clearly didn’t want to hear it.
Right now, my husband and I are barely speaking. He goes to work, comes home, and avoids me and the baby unless his family is around, because he knows they’ll rip into him if he ignores us in front of them. I’m on maternity leave, bonding with my daughter, and honestly, I don’t even miss telling him things. I feel more supported by his mom and sister than by him.
But part of me wonders if I really did go too far. Was I wrong for shutting him out completely and not even calling when I went into labor? Or was he wrong for making me feel like my pregnancy and my body were shameful and disgusting in the first place and my revenge was completely justified.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Crafty_Special_7052 said:
NTA your husband needs to grow up. And now that he’s been called out by even his own family he is having a tantrum and being very childish. He is not only avoiding you but as you said avoiding your baby too! When he should be helping you out with your baby and bonding with her. Honestly I’d be threatening him with divorce if he doesn’t snap out this. It’s ridiculous with how he’s acting right now.
Few_External_9518 said:
Sounds like he only cared about being excluded because of how it made him look. Not because he cared about you or the baby. You did the right thing for you and the baby.
pennyb7 said:
NTA he brought that on himself. I hope you have an exit plan because you know you’re going to be raising that child yourself.
SpecialistAfter511 said:
He wasn’t mad you didn’t call him because he wanted to be there he was mad because it embarrassed him. He deserves this.
CarrotofInsanity said:
Ghost your Dad. He doesn’t get to see his grandchild. Nope! Start making plans to divorce. Your husband doesn’t want any part of fatherhood. He can just pay child support and STFU…
And when you go visit your Mom, you can tell your Dad that HE FAILED AT BEING A FATHER… he should’ve stood up for you to your husband who CALLED YOU DISGUSTING. But he didn’t. So your baby will have NO GRANDDAD.
He didn’t earn it.
OP just shared this update (1 week after original post):
Hi! Thank you for all the comments and messages on my original post—it honestly helped me feel less crazy. A lot of you had similar questions, so I’ll answer those quickly before diving into the actual update. (The post will be divided into 2 sections just to help people out, and I have free time since the baby’s asleep lol).
For the few popular questions, S1
Q: Are you taking counseling? Only if he agrees and it’s split 50/50. I’m not going to shoulder the cost of fixing something he helped break. If he doesn’t want to invest financially or emotionally, then that tells me all I need to know.
Q:Since you didn’t tell him, did anyone else? Yes, several people did—before and after the birth. My brother texted him right away since my in-laws were already on their way. SIL called him three separate times after I had already delivered and was holding the baby. He didn’t pick up once. His mom called and left a voicemail. His brother texted him.
My dad called, texted, and left three voicemails. This wasn’t a case of “nobody told him.” It was a case of “everyone told him, and he ignored it.” And to add insult to injury, he wasn’t working late—he was literally “out with the guys.” (I only knew of my sil and mil calling him, until yesterday when my brother told me)
Q: Did you try to communicate with him before you stopped sharing pregnancy updates? Yes. The exact moment he called me disgusting, I told him, “Don’t call me disgusting, that’s rude.”
We got into a brief fight about it. He didn’t back down, and that’s the day I decided if my body and my pregnancy were so gross to him, then he could live in ignorance. I’m not a mind reader, and I’m not going to beg him to treat me with respect.
So, the day after my post, things blew up. My husband came home from work acting like nothing had happened. He barely looked at the baby, didn’t ask me how I was doing, and plopped down on the couch scrolling on his phone. At that point, I asked him directly if he was ever going to apologize—for calling me disgusting, for ignoring everyone’s calls, for missing the birth, anything
His response? “You embarrassed me first by running your mouth to my family. I don’t owe you an apology.” That was it for me. I grabbed some essentials for me and my daughter, packed a bag, and left. I’m currently staying at my brother’s house. He and SIL welcomed us in without hesitation, and honestly, the peace here is refreshing.
I didn’t go to my parents, instead I went to my brothers because my dad has still been openly siding with my husband. He told me I was “dramatic and vindictive” and that I embarrassed my husband by not keeping him updated. Meanwhile, my mom is absolutely furious with him for taking that stance.
She flat-out told me she’s embarrassed to be married to a man who thinks this way and that she worries I’ll cut her off from seeing the baby because of him. (For the record: I would never cut her off, but I also don’t want to see my dad right now. He can sit with the consequences of defending someone who called his pregnant daughter disgusting.)
As for my husband? His phone behavior has been wild. One minute he’s texting me saying I “took his daughter away,” and the next he’s acting like this is just a fight we’ll get over. Still no apology. Not even a half-hearted one.
Meanwhile, his family are absolutely tearing into him. His dad is more reserved but disappointed, and his brother told him he’s “lucky (my name) didn’t divorce your ass on the spot.” The only people on his side remain a couple cousins, which, frankly, tells you everything.
Right now, my baby girl is surrounded by love and support—my side of the family, his family (with the exception of him) has been stepping up. My husband is on the outside looking in, and that’s a position he put himself in.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
Dump the husband, keep the inlaws.
In my family we call them “outlaws” (lovingly) after divorces when we keep them.
I don’t think counseling will fix whatever’s wrong with him… talk with a lawyer
The fact your husband is willing to ignore his own child because of his wounded pride tells you all you need to know about who he's going to be moving forward as a father and husband.
It's time to consider what's best for your daughter, and if that's not being around someone who would manipulate and emotionally abuse her full time, then either its time he gets some therapy, or its time to talk to a lawyer.
If the latter, since most of his family seem to be on your side, you could see if they would stand up as character witnesses should your soon-to-be-ex challenges you for custody.