'How do I tell if my Valentine’s Day expectations are reasonable in a 10-year relationship?'
"How do I tell if my expectations for effort on Valentine’s Day are reasonable in a 10-year relationship? (28F, 29M)"
My partner and I have been together for 10 years, and we’re both in our late 20s. I’m visiting him in New York around Valentine’s Day, and I asked him to plan one evening while I’m there. Nothing extravagant. He knows I like flowers (he’s never given me flowers in our entire relationship), and I’ve explained that what matters to me is the thought and effort, not the cost or scale.
In general, I’m the planner in our relationship. I usually plan trips, dates, dinners, and most things we do together. When I ask him to plan something, he often says, “Even if I plan something, you won’t like it anyway,” which isn’t true. I’ve told him many times that even very small gestures make me happy because it shows he thought about me.
Because I’m used to being disappointed, I tend to over-plan and handle things myself. It’s my way of protecting myself from feeling let down. I recognize that this might also make it easier for him to step back, but I’ve reached a point where I’m tired of always carrying the effort.
When I asked if he’d planned anything for this trip, there were repeated excuses: work was busy, he was tired, he came home late, or he was annoyed. When I mentioned that Valentine’s Day in New York usually needs advance planning, he said, “Be ready to be disappointed.”
That comment really hurt. It felt less like managing expectations and more like telling me not to expect effort at all. This led to a fight, and instead of trying to resolve it or acknowledge how I was feeling, he ended the conversation by saying he had a big day tomorrow and was going to sleep.
Now I’m questioning whether my expectations are reasonable or whether I’ve simply normalized doing everything myself in the relationship. How can someone tell the difference between having a reasonable expectation for effort in a long-term relationship and unintentionally over-functioning because they’re used to being disappointed?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
GoldiOGilt wrote:
"But I’ve reached a point where I’m tired of always carrying the effort." and here is the problem, you grew, you learned, you now see and know what you want in a relationship and you see that he isn't meeting your expectations. So my question is: how long? How long will you accept that? How long before you have too much resentment?
Explain that to him, tell him that how he acts is NOT what you want to keep in your life and that you're serious, that one day you might leave because you'll be tired of being undervalued.
He is not listening to you. Show him you're serious. But what hurts is that you shouldn't have to "look serious" to be listened to. You're not the problem ; the problem is that you discovered that you're incompatible and it hurts. He refuses (or he can't) give you what you want/need in a relationship.
Mamabearonhercouch wrote:
You started dating when you were teenagers. He hasn’t grown up. Neither one of you knows what an adult relationship is because you’ve never had one. Look, those people you date between 15 and 20? That’s practice. They’re not keepers.
We all do a tremendous amount of growing up between 18 and 30; couples RARELY grow together during those years.
If you want a man who will make you a priority and put real effort into a relationship, GO FIND A GROWNUP. You’re dating a child and you deserve a lot better.
DragonDrama wrote:
So I’m 49 and have friends who are now divorced because the effort started low and got lower to the point where these imbeciles would actually ask them on Christmas why they were the only one in the family not opening their stocking or presents because they didn’t get her anything and things like that.
No gifts, no nice experiences out for special occasions etc. if someone can’t get you a $3.99 bouquet in 10 years, I think they are telling you what to expect to them, as well as how important you are to them. If he wanted to, he would.
Its_Sincerely_Liz wrote:
Ten years and no flowers? Not even the $5 bouquets from Trader Joe's that he can pick up while grocery shopping? He has shown you who he is for 10 years and has proven that he doesn't want to do things that will make you happy. Ask yourself: if you knew doing a small specific thing would make your BF extremely happy, would you do it?
I'm assuming yes. So why is it so difficult for him to have that same level of care for you? Again, flowers are not expensive ($5-$10) or take much effort to get...and he hasn't done that ONCE in TEN YEARS despite KNOWING it would make you happy.
My older coworker (I'm 25 she's in her 60s) that I only have occasional small talk with has gotten me a flower bouquet the past two birthdays. Just to really put it into perspective. If this was one of your friend's relationships, what would you tell her to do? Would you want this type of relationship for her?
youknowimright25 wrote:
You know who he is. He's shown you who he is for 10 years. You have accepted it for 10years. Why do you think he's going to change now?
TherapyKitty wrote:
I was in your shoes and guess what, he never changed. I eventually left 8 years later. Guess what, he does it now for the new gf. His actions have no consequences so he is going to continue treating you that way.